I Found You
by michelle1039
Summary: What happens if Katniss believes Peeta was killed by the capitol while being held captive after the Hunger Games. How will she move on in life? And what will happen if she gets to see him again. Tried to keep to the original storyline as much as possible.
1. Chapter 1

Hey, quick authors note, this is my first fanfic story ever! I loved the Hunger Games series, and Katniss and Peeta's relationship and just wish it had been explored more thoroughly in Mockingjay. After reading so many of your amazing stories it inspired my to write this story. I starts at the end of Catching Fire/ Begging of Mockingjay. I plan for it to continue on to their life after the war. We'll see how it goes.

Anyways, happy reading!

* * *

_"Katniss!" Peeta's voice fights its way through the haze brought on by the blood lost from the deep gash carved into my arm by Johanna. I try to search out for him but all I can hear is the fast footfall of two others – too fast for Peeta's pace. I scream out Peeta's name in hopes of catching the others attention, anything to protect Peeta. But it doesn't work, I can hear them and they're not moving in my direction – as well as I can in my state I try to follow the direction of Peeta's voice, ignoring my thundering footsteps alerting everyone else of my presence. I need to get to Peeta. He hollers out for me again and I scream his name, hoping somehow the louder I shout the closer it'll bring me to him._

_As I tumble through the forest I'm suddenly knocked off my feet onto the floor, a large mass following after me – pinning me to the ground. I scream in panic, arms flailing pathetically in front of me trying to push the human like figure off me. "Katniss!" It calls to me, looking me in the eyes, it's then I realise it's Peeta – his familiar beautiful blue eyes searching me, darting between my panic stricken face and the blood gushing from my arm. "Katniss we need to get out of here." He gasps trying to catch his breath while clutching my arms and tugging me to my feet. I can't react, I'm stunned by the happy delirium that he's okay, I found him. Now we just need to outlive the others during the blood bath which was ensuing around us._

_"Peeta," I breathed out slowly, cupping his face with my hands, he tries to move away – in a rush to get away from the scene, but I tug him to me pushing my lips firmly against his, warmth instantly radiating through my body. The hunger I felt at the beach returns to me and I deepen our kiss, never wanting it to end – wanting to stay in the world of just me and Peeta, no hunger games and no impending death. He mumbles something about needing to move but I just lower my head to his strong chest, his heart thumping wildly inside. "I'll never leave you again," I promise, tears streaking down my face before the whole world starts to lose clarity and slowly fades to black._

As I wake up it takes me a while to realise where I am, lying flat on my back staring at the blank ceiling in my small cabin back in district thirteen. Warm salty tears reach my mouth and I realise I've began crying. These dreams are much worse than the nightmares because they fill me with hope, which is torn apart as soon as I remember the truth. Peeta is dead. The capital took him during the rescue from the hunger games, and he hasn't been heard from since. A sudden ache erupts through my chest and I sit up angrily brushing the tears from my face. They took Peeta from me, and they would pay.

"Katniss, are you alright?" Prim asked from across the room, her delicate face screwed up slightly as she rubbed her eyes stirring from sleep. Without answering she knew my answer and quick moved across the room before clambering onto my bed and wrapping her arms around me. "Was it a bad dream?" She asked, looking up at me through her long eyelashes, she looked so young like this – yet her demeanour had aged so many years during the last few months. Sometimes I felt it was now her looking after me instead of the other way round.

"No," I shook my head, looking at the wall behind her as my eyes teared up again, "it was a good one." Prim frowned for a moment before recognition casted over her features, without need for explanation she pulled me closer. "It's gonna be okay Katniss, we'll be safe here." I nodded my head slightly to try and appease her, because it wasn't my safety that had been concerning me. After a few moments of us sitting holding each other mother began to stir and we moved apart slowly, ready to carry on with our normal everyday routines, which were always so mundane here in thirteen. I got up and ready for the day, checking my schedule on my arm – even though I knew I was unlikely to actually follow much of it. I missed the freedom from twelve, being able to go and hunt, spend time with people I loved, even just sitting starting at the hilly landscape that surrounded the district – instead of option of staring at walls here. Mother and Prim left earlier than me, going to work in the medical ward, but not long after I forced myself to leave the room – only to bump into a friendly face as I opened the door.

"Hey Catnip," he grinned, his smile managing to reach right across his face as he looked at me. I forced a small smile before greeting him.

"Gale, what are you doing here?" I asked, trying to keep my tone light as to not offend him.

"Well, actually I came to tell you to ignore your schedule; we've been given the day of because we're required for a meeting with Coin in a couple of hours. But I thought we could spend a bit on time together before that." Gale quickly took my hand and began dragging me down the hallway. I groaned inwardly thinking of the meeting later – what could Coin really want that was so important they'd cancel our entire days schedule. Did I really want to know? As we rounded a corner Gale quickly spun back on himself, catching me in front of his chest before pulling me towards him and sealing my lips with his own. I tried not to tense as he caught me off guard, and it often offended him if he felt I was resisting at all. "I've missed you," he breathed out as he moved away from me, a schoolboy grin creeping over his face.

"You saw me yesterday," I rolled my eyes at him before continuing down the hall, already knowing he would probably be taking me to the training centre, the one place that felt slightly like home with bows in our hands.

"Well sorry Catnip, can't I miss my girlfriend," he called to me as he jogged to catch me up at the end of the corridor. I tried not to cringe at the use of the word girlfriend. After I had got back from the quarter quell, Gale had spent a lot of time in and out the hospital trying to help me recover – without knowing that a lot of my pain was not physical, and something he would never be able to help with. Eventually I found he was getting much closer to me, and I began to feel hints that he wanted more than friendship again. This was confirmed a few months later when I found his lips on mine, I didn't resist. There had always been something between me and Gale, or there should have been – everyone had expected it and so I let it happen. I couldn't bear to break another boy's heart after all I had done to him and Peeta in the past. We had officially been 'together' for three months now, and although we never did anything more than light kisses, Gale didn't push it any further – scared that any more physical contact would scare me back into the emotional barricade I usually had up.

I spent the rest of the journey in silence, holding on to Gale's hand as we made our way through the many levels of district 13 to the training centre. We spent the afternoon practicing shooting and setting up snares – it almost felt as though we were back in twelve, without a care in the world except which squirrel we had our eyes on next. Only here there was no squirrels, no wind blowing through my hair, and no lake that I used to sit by with my father. Thinking of my woods tugged at my heart lightly but I let it slide, it was the first time in a long time in this district that I had felt free. Finally with a bow in my hand I had something else to focus on except the war and my pain. All too soon our meeting with Coin was upon us and we made our way to the Collective, a huge room used for meeting and our weekly Reflection, in which President Coin would make updates on the war efforts and any goings on in the district. Only when we arrived the room was only host to a small number of people. Of those I recognised were Haymitch and Plutarch, the five others were all soldiers in thirteen. I gave Haymitch a small nod, our encounters here had been brief since he had been so involved in many of the war efforts, for the meantime I had been ordered by the doctors to keep out of it due to my fragile mental state. Coin appeared a moment later before taking a seat in front of us all.

"Thank you all for coming, I have some urgent news concerning an update we have received from the Capital. This information if extremely confidential, hence why I have called only those necessary." She began, looking round the room slowly at us all. I wondered what the announcement could be considering those who had been called. "We have received news that there are several high profile members of the rebellion being held by Snow in the Capital. An undercover agent has informed me that he plans to use them in televised interviews with Caesar Flickerman in order to ruin the image of the rebels." People began muttering between themselves as Coin took a break from talking but I just frowned to myself, who could these high profile people be? "And so.." Coin continued, recapturing everyone's attention. "We are going to devise an operation to get these people out before any damage can be done to the cause. It will be a small operation, and a quick in and out to avoid arousing suspicion. Haymitch I want you to stay behind and be in control of command, Plutarch, I was thinking you can set up a small camera crew – very inconspicuous, to maybe get footage of the Capitols hostages, help fuel the fire. We need some good footage since Katniss still cannot go out into the field." She gave a pointed look in my direction, something passed across her face, almost annoyance. "Plus she is too closely affiliated with those in captive to be efficient at the job. So I suggest taking Gale with you, he's completed most his training and is high profile enough for people to recognise him." I stiffened, clutching onto Gale's hand – which didn't clutch back, he just stared blankly ahead. "And Boggs," she looked at one of the soldiers present, he was of a tall broad build and I felt I'd probably seen him around Coin before, "you are in charge of setting up a squadron; I need them ready for two days' time."

Two days, my throat closed up and I gave a small choking sound. All this had come so suddenly, and now Gale was being taken into danger on a mission that sounded positively suicidal to me. Everyone began to clear out the room whereas Gale stayed seated, slowly turning towards me.

"Katniss I'll be fine," he smiled weakly, taking my hands in his. "It's what I've been training for."

"I don't understand," I croaked after a few moments, "why do you have to go instead of me, why is this so important?" I gazed at him, he looked to be contemplating what to say before he sighed heavily, forcing himself to look me in the eye.

"Because Katniss, the high profile people they're on about… they're victors from the games."


	2. Chapter 2

Hi, just a quick authors note: Sorry for the delay! I've been on holiday for two weeks and had no internet connection to upload, but the good news is I've got the next couple of chapters practically finished, so quick uploads from now on :)

Thanks to everyone who read the first chapter and is following the story, and hello to any new readers :)

A big thanks to **HG4EVER** for my first ever review, it's great to know people are enjoying the story!

happy reading!

* * *

I let Gale's words sink in for a moment. Why would it be particularly hard for me to meet past victors? Sure, I'd met many during the Quarter Quell – but most of them are dead by now. And then it hit me. _Most of them_. All at once I felt like someone had a clamp on my chest and I couldn't breathe, I struggled out a strangled cry before my legs buckled from underneath me, the only thing that broke my fall was Gale catching my arms and holding me up right. I looked up at him but everything was hazy and I could barely hold my head straight, I could hear strange noises and his mouth was moving, but before I could comprehend anything the world went black.

"Whose idea was it to have Katniss at a command meeting?" I could hear a high pitched shrill from somewhere in the room before I even opened my eyes. The harsh brightness of the room stopped me from immediately comprehending where I was or who was there, but moments later I recognised the young face in front of me, her blonde braids hanging down round her face and the tips tickling the skin on my arms.

"Prim," I breathed a sigh of relief as she smiled softly at me, at the sound of my voice the shrieking stopped and a woman loomed over me, I realised then it had been my mother – she looked sick with worry.

"Oh Katniss, I don't know what they were thinking, you're not of a stable mind to be hearing such things." My Mother sighed and started muttering to herself. I reached out slowly and gave her a quick squeeze of the hand before pulling away. The gesture was more to silence her than anything; I wasn't used to such concern from her. I turned to Prim giving her a questioning stare and she just brushed my hair behind my ear.

"It's okay, you're fine." She smiled sincerely, and then I knew nothing bad had happened. "You fainted during the command meeting, the doctors – and mother – reckon it was because your mind could not comprehend the shock." Her smile became sad, almost as if she hated reminding me that my mind was still not in a good place, and possibly never would be.

"Where's Gale?" I croaked, my voice felt as though it hadn't been used in days. _Days_ – the thought made me panic, they'd been scheduled to leave just two days away from the meeting, what if I'd been out of it for the whole duration. What if I'd woken up too late to even say goodbye. I began hyperventilating and my eyes darted round the room trying to find an answer out quicker than I was getting. Prim put a steady hand on my arm to calm me before my mom grasped my other arm and firmly placed me back into a reclined position.

"Katniss everything's fine," Prim wiped a cool cloth along my forehead, cleaning off the beads of sweat that had appeared in my panic. I tried to calm my breathing, Prim wouldn't lie to me. But it wasn't long ago I'd been lied to by a whole lot of people, and I'd already lost Peeta through all that. And again I was panting, unable to stable my breathing. I couldn't lose them both. "Katniss!" Prim said firmer as a doctor injected what I guessed was a mild sedative into my arm. "You're fine, Gale's fine. He's just in another command meeting; he doesn't know you've woken up yet." I gave a heavy sigh of relief before I felt my eyelids drooping, I heard Prim say my name once more before I again entered darkness.

* * *

"Hey Catnip," a lopsided grin greeted me and I opened my eyes. I groaned groggily, trying to stretch my limbs on the small hospital bed. How long had I been here now? I looked up into Gale's grey eyes which showed no sense of worry, more of amusement.

"So, fancy explaining to me what's going on." I mumbled, still finding it hard to use my voice. Gale seemed to sense this and handed me a glass of water, which I sipped at greedily.

"Well where to start..." he drawled before smirking at me and taking the empty glass. "So, first you passed out during the meeting, then we got you back here, then you were sedated for being a crazy woman." He cut the story incredibly short and I glared at him for it, earning a small chuckle. "To be honest Katniss, there's not much more to tell, the doctors said it was purely the stress on your mind, but nothing is medically wrong – you're as healthy as normal." He eyes glinted impishly as he said normal, but I noticed it – we both knew I'd never been normal.

"How long have I been out?" I asked the question niggling at me the most, I highly doubted it had been long enough for the mission to have already taken place – but I could hope. Once again I felt the tightening sensation on my chest as I thought of it, although I tried not to give this away.

"About a day," Gale sighed, obviously it had been a long twenty four hours for him. It angered me slightly that I'd wasted more time by freaking out and being sedated. "They've said they want to keep you in till the morning at least for observation." He added on the end, I could sense an edge of something in his voice.

"When do you leave?" I murmured, realising now how tight the timing would be, the hospitals in thirteen were pretty strict on visiting hours and I just hoped this wasn't the last time I'd see him.

"Sometime in the morning," he murmured, obviously thinking the same thing, he sighed and took my hand in his. "I'll be fine Katniss, trust me, they wouldn't want me killed on camera would they." He smirked lightly at the end, obviously trying to lighten the mood.

"Well I'll just have to make sure I'm up early," I sat up in the bed smiling back at him, before something crossed my mind again. "Gale, what are you exactly going there for?" I knew they'd had more meetings about the rescue mission and he must know by now the details. Gale sighed, a heavy sigh that felt like it was burdened with something he really didn't want me to know.

"Well," he started, trying to compose himself, "I guessed right – we're going in to rescue victors from the games, they're some of the most influential people in this war – if they turned against the rebels, we'd look like we were fighting for nothing." He skipped the obvious question – _who _the victors were. I already knew the answer, it was the reason I wasn't allowed to go.

"It's survivors from the Quarter Quell isn't it?" It wasn't a question, we both knew it, but Gale nodded slowly. Once again I felt my breath hitch in my throat, there was one name burning into my mind. _Peeta_. This was my one hope of getting him back, and it was led by the person who'd want him back the least. My chest was tight again and I began coughing then spluttering for breath, Gale had his hands on my face murmuring my name, telling me it'd be fine. I tried stringing together a sentence but all that came out was a strangled cry, "Peeta". Gales face recognised it instantly and his expression soured, right in time for a nurse to appear and stick yet another needle into my arm.

* * *

I had finally awoken in the early hours of the next morning and forced myself to stay on my best behaviour so I would be let out to see Gale before he left. I certainly couldn't let him leave on the note we'd left it on last night. In the end I'd managed to convince the doctor to sign me out of the ward for an hour to go and say goodbye before I had to return back immediately to await further test results on my mental stability. I already dreaded what they were going to say – at the rate I was going I'd be trapped in the hospital for the foreseeable future. As soon as the doctor signed the papers allowing my release I practically ran through the district trying to reach the loading bay as soon as I could without alerting anyone of my strange behaviour, the last thing I needed was the doctors thinking I was erratic. I was in such a hurry that I didn't realise Prim had followed behind me; it was only when I reached the loading dock and froze at the sight of the hovercrafts that I noticed her presence. Her tiny hand squeezed mine tightly trying to snap me out of my state of shock. The last time I'd seen one of these I'd been in the arena. I swallowed hard, forcing down my emotions with it – I would not break down now and let Gale down yet again.

As soon as I arrived everyone seemed to try to noticeably busy themselves with their guns or last minute preparations and plan adjustments. I slowly walked over to Gale, the one person willing to acknowledge me. As I reached him I held my hands out to him and he took them in his, giving them a gentle squeeze, almost as if trying to comfort me – even though there was a glint of sadness in his grey eyes. I couldn't decide whether it was because he didn't want to go – or due to what happened in the hospital, I didn't really feel like asking him in fear of what his answer would be - and then I would have to try and explain myself. Instead I just sighed, looking deep into his eyes as mine brimmed with tears. Gale was my best friend – I couldn't imagine what losing him would do to me, would it be the final straw before I snapped and finally went insane? I tried to shake the thought before it started to panic me, the last thing I needed was being dragged back to the medical ward in front of everyone.

"I guess I'll see you in a few days," Gale broke the silence; obviously realising I wasn't going to be the one to do it. He raised my hands, which were still encased in his, to his lips – brushing gentle kisses over them. I began to feel a blush overcome my cheeks and tried to look down to avoid him seeing, but as soon as I did so Gale cupped under my chin forcing me to look at him. "Katniss, look at me, I want to make the most of your face before I go." His expression was burdened and his tone exasperated, I had no choice but to let him lift my head and hold his gaze.

"Look after yourself." I said sternly, giving him a mock glare. "Who else is going to want to spend time with a crazy person like me?" Gale shook his head lightly, even laughing a little at my last statement. It was nice to see a smile on his face, lighting up his features – this is how I wanted to think of him while he was gone.

"I will, I promise." He leaned forward, giving me a quick peck on the cheek before Boggs called him from over by the hovercraft. "I better get going," he sighed. He took me in a firm embrace, my head resting against his chest and his chin on top of my head, I breathed in his scent – trying to make the most of it before it was cruelly ripped from me and he made his way over to where the others were standing. Within a few minutes Gale was boarding the hovercraft, giving me a genuine smile and wave as he did so, I called out his name once more, just catching a glimpse of his brown hair as he went inside – but he didn't hear me. The tears that had been previously pricking as my eyes were now streaming down my cheeks and Prim was beside me again, tightly holding onto my hand and waving to the hovercraft with her other.

"Sweetheart," a familiar voice pulled me out of my trance, Haymitch was stumbling towards me, he was obviously drunk – but had seemed to sober up somewhat in order to help with the mission. "We'll get them back." He spoke again when he was a small distance from me, his voice was firm. I stood for a moment wondering if he meant the people we had just sent out on a mission, or those they were going to rescue. I opened my mouth to ask Haymitch but he just gave me a small wink before turning on his heels and heading in the opposite direction, but I could've swore I heard him murmur something about the reunion of the lovebird's from district twelve.


	3. Chapter 3

Hey again everyone! Hope I didn't leave it too long since the last upload, this is the first day I've had off work!

Hope you all enjoyed the last chapter and a massive thankyou to **Kitkatlogan **for the reviews, it really means a lot to hear what you guys think! Any constructive criticism is always welcome as well.

I forgot to do this in the last two chapters, but quick disclaimer, none of the characters etc belong to me - they are the makings of Suzanne Collins and i'm just using them for a bit of fun

Anyways, happy reading!

* * *

"Still no word from them?" I asked Haymitch as I entered the command room. It had been a long couple of days. The mission as a whole was meant to be a day of travelling, but an in and out operation – done incredibly fast. But as soon as the team had entered Capitol air space communication had become sparse, and now it was none existent. It was obvious everyone feared the worst. I had been allowed to come into command as much as I liked due to another episode I'd had yesterday after finding out the hadn't heard from the crew for days without telling me. Haymitch looked up at me with a haggard face, his eyes were sunken into his face with black rings surrounding them and his face had turned paler by the day. He hadn't touched a drop of liquor since the mission started, and he blamed that for his condition. Only I knew better. Haymitch had hardly slept since sending the others out and hadn't left the command room for more than a bathroom break. Everyone was starting to worry about his health. I set a glass of water next to Haymitch but he just eyed it wearily before shaking his head at me.

"I don't need looking after sweetheart," he muttered, facing back to the screens in front of him, trying fruitlessly to get a signal through, "but no, still haven't heard from them." He answer was like someone had thrust me hard in the chest, I felt I could double over in pain, but I focused my energy into squeezing the chair next to me tightly before sitting down in it – not too confident in my stability. As I looked at Haymitch I wondered if I'd started to show the same signs of wear as he was, it had been a hard couple of days which consisting of me sitting in a dark cupboard somewhere in thirteen and imagining every scenario possible. I never even felt true relief when I imaged them all returning home with no signs of harm on them, and I knew why. A new hope had been etched into my heart, one which should have never been put there in the first place – because if it was taken away from me now, I didn't know what I would do. Peeta could be alive. I realised then that Haymitch wasn't in command for any of the others, he wanted the bakers boy back almost as much as I did, he cared for him, and hadn't got him through two hunger games for the Capitol themselves to take him away.

"Will he come back Haymitch?" I asked quietly, not able to look him in the eye as I felt my throat closing up and tears threatening at my eyes.

"Which one?" He asked bluntly, the gruffness in his voice hitting hard. I didn't know who I meant. All I knew is I needed both Peeta and Gale in my life, I tried to imagine a world without either of them in, I'd never see the glint in Gale's eye when he hunted, nor Peeta's soft smile if I caught him sneaking glances as me. My heart ached, I should've been happy that I had one of them in my life, but now I had the opportunity for both the greed consumed me. Haymitch seemed to sense I wasn't going to answer and decided for me. "Don't get your hopes up sweetheart," he warned, "as far as we know, Peeta's still dead."

I quickly rose from my chair and bolted out the room, not saying goodbye to Haymitch, and didn't stop until I reached my familiar cupboard. Once inside I fell to the floor and began to sob, unable to breath at times I was gasping so hard. I couldn't lose either of them, not now I'd been given the chance to have them both.

* * *

It was after another day of silence that I ventured up to the hospital ward. I'd woke up that morning thinking of Finnick, I'd dreamt about the Quarter Quell the night before and when I woke I'd realised he was probably one of the only people who could understand how I was feeling – we'd gone through this together. After a heated debate with security to allow me to see him, I made my way over to the ward Finnick was in. I grinned as soon as I saw him, until his appearance really sunk in. He was sat on the hospital bed with a gown on, furiously tying knots in a piece of rope he had been given. His face was drawn and his whole body radiated exhaustion, but as his eyes settled on me he still managed his signature smile.

"Hey," he called to me, motioning me to perch on the edge of his bed. Once I was comfortable I looked up at him and smiled, for what felt like the first time in an age – being in his presence I suddenly felt relief, I wasn't alone anymore.

"How've you been?" I asked, instantly regretting it, there was a reason Finnick was still in here and I wasn't, I'd heard that he'd suffered more severe mental trauma than I had and found it had to concentrate for more than a few minutes at a time.

"Alright I guess," he shrugged before laughed breathily, obviously noticing my faux pas. "How about you, girl on fire? Been starting any more rebellions?" He winked at me before refocusing his attention on his piece of rope.

"Not so good," I felt myself admitting before I even thought about what I was saying. Finnick forced himself to look away from his rope and even let go of it to place a hand over mine.

"I heard about the mission, you've just gotta think positive Katniss or the stress will eat you alive." He looked at me earnestly, but it was easier said than done.

"What makes you an expert then?" I scoffed, feeling bad for saying it, but I was fed up of feeling like a head case that everyone felt they could tell what to do or how to feel.

"Well… They have Annie." He replied so calmly I thought I'd misheard him, but the way his eyes glistened at the arrival of tears confirmed what he'd said. Annie Cresta, the poor mad girl from District 4 that happened to be the love of Finnick's life. I didn't understand why or how they had her. Finnick seemed to sense my confusion and carried on; "I guess they found out id been part of the rebellion, and when they couldn't get me…" he trailed off. Sighing heavily and lowering his eyes to stare intently at his lap.

"I'm so sorry," it was my turn now to take his hands in mine, giving them the most reassuring squeeze I could. But even I didn't believe in the comfort I was giving, so far the mission hadn't been fruitful.

"You don't need to do that Katniss," He raised his eyes to mine again, "console me I mean. I know you're in the same position, Peeta being there an all…"

I frowned at him, surprised it was Peeta he'd concluded at, and that he had assumed Peeta was in fact alive. "It's harder for you though, Peeta's just a friend." I ignored the fact that Gale had been sent in after them, it was hard to describe what Gale exactly was to me; I didn't need to think about it at times like this.

"Really?" Finnick frowned as if trying to figure something out, "I guess I just assumed, the way you guys acted in the arena, that you really did love each other." His words hit home, Peeta had loved me, and he'd devoted his life to keeping me alive. Now look where he was.

"I'm with Gale now…" I felt the need to clarify my situation, not ready to delve into the complicated world of myself and Peeta. Suddenly I felt the need to get out of there; I stood quickly from the bed giving Finnick a small smile. "I need to go, better see if I can do anything to help." As I was about to turn away Finnick grabbed my arm.

"Take this," he handed me the piece of rope; "it'll keep you busy. I've only got one person to worry about, let alone two." I gave Finnick's hand a tight squeeze in gratitude before wordlessly leaving the room. As I left he called after me.

"If you and Gale have anything like you and Peeta did, I'm really happy for you."

* * *

"Katniss, quick!" Prim cried, bursting in to our family cabin and disturbing me from my current two hour stint at staring at the ceiling. Her eyes were wild and she was panting, obviously out of breath from running.

"Prim what's wrong?" I asked quickly, jumping up from where I had been lying on the bed and rushed over to her, resting a hand on each of her shoulder.

"Nothing's wrong Katniss! You just need to hurry!" She grabbed my hand and roughly began to pull me from the room; I'd have been shocked her small frame had carried my weight if I wasn't so dumbfounded by what was going on. Prim seemed to sense my hesitancy and obviously I wasn't going fast enough for her. "Katniss they're back! I heard someone talking about it on my way back from the hospital, I ran as quick as I could to get you." She beamed at me, and then it was my turn to begin dragging her to the loading bay. I needed to see who was back. I tried to push the fact that I hadn't been told of their arrival to the back of my mind, I didn't need to think of what implications that had, and that maybe no one had come back that meant anything to me. What seemed like a lifetime later we finally reached the area the hovercraft had been stationed in. There was a mass of people around, doing quick assessments on the hovercraft itself and its passengers. One look at the craft made me flinch, it was covered in scrapes from bullets and sparks were flying out from one side. They'd obviously encountered some trouble on the way back. I looked frantically around the room but couldn't make sense of anyone, suddenly I noticed Haymitch who quickly pointed over to the far corner of the room where people were sat being further assessed by doctors.

I made my way over to them, people in my way were slowing me down, and I'd left Prim with one of the medical assistants after she had muttered something about helping out. When I was half way across the room I spotted a familiar mop of brown hair, right before his face tilted up to me and that school boy grin I knew all too well appeared. Soon I was rushing across the room before colliding into Gale's chest, his sturdy arms closing around me.

"Hey Catnip," he laughed lightly, kissing the top of my head. "Hope I haven't worried you too much," I looked up at him glaring slightly as he smirked at me, I was too happy to keep it up though.

"I'm just so glad you're okay," I breathed out heavily, a long awaited sigh of relief leaving my body. I pulled away from Gale's embrace slowly, keeping eye contact with him. "We didn't hear for days, and I thought…" I trailed off, it didn't matter now, they were back.

"Yeah, things got a bit hairy at one point – but we're all back in one peace. No one was seriously hurt; those we got out of captivity are the only ones who needed immediate medical care." He smiled sincerely at me, and then reality sunk in, who had come back from the Capitol with them?

"Who did you find?" I asked quietly, I wasn't even sure I'd been able to form the words, but I could tell Gale had registered what I said. He paused for a moment and my heart plummeted, I almost wanted to run away and not hear what he had to say. Until I had confirmation otherwise, Peeta could be alive.

"Apart from a few of the victors there were some civilians from several districts we found," he started, but he knew that wasn't what I wanted to know about, "we thought right about the victors, we found Annie Cresta and Johanna in there, both are pretty shaken but they'll be okay"

I paused, waiting for him to continue but he didn't. Suddenly I was gasping for breath, clutching on to Gale with such force I was surprised I didn't break the skin. They hadn't found Peeta, once again he was cruelly taken from me and I felt as if my whole world was falling from under my feet. I tasted hot tears on my lips which then fell onto the dirty floor beneath me. Gale cupped a hand under my chin but I pulled away from him harshly, probably too harsh but I couldn't take his love right now. I didn't want anybody. I just needed to be alone. And so I ran, away from the loading bay, past Prim as she shouted to me. I knew being alone wasn't the solution, but it was as close as I was going to get – because Peeta was gone.


	4. Chapter 4

Hey guys, quick authors note! Sorry for the delay again with uploading, I've been working so much these past few weeks. After this week it should die down so I should be getting chapters out a bit quicker for you.

Good news is I now have an amazing Beta reader! **ct522 **- who has been a star with getting the chapter read and edited for me. She had also written a Hunger Games fanfic which I am currently reading and I would definitely recommend, she's a brilliant writer!

And a big thank-you for my reviews from **Kitkatlogan, VMars lover, BeMyStar, and a guest visitor**. Your reviews really mean the world, and are always welcome. I love to hear feedback!

Quick disclaimed - I do not own any of the characters etc, they are property of Suzanne Collins

Thanks enough from me, happy reading!

* * *

The next couple of weeks went by in a painful blur; every moment was spent in a hazy blur of a drowsy sleep-deprived state. I couldn't sleep through the night without nightmares but couldn't stay awake long enough to engage with the world outside of my dreams. Often when I opened my eyes I'd see Prim, Gale, or my mother. Once I'd even seen Haymitch standing in the doorway, but I couldn't bring myself out of my grief-filled coma. Just thinking of Peeta made a sickly bile rise in my throat which I had to harshly cough back whilst tears pricked behind my eyes. After everything how could we have lost him? How could I have let him out my sight during the games? I'd lost my boy with the bread, and I knew his love for me had probably been the end of him. It wasn't until I opened my eyes in the early hours one day to find our cabin filled with people that I started to break away from the fog clouding over my mind.

"Katniss, there's people here to see you," Prim's soft voice cooed to me as she clasped my hand with one of hers and used her other to support my back as I sat up. "They said it's important," she sighed, looking over at everyone else in the room before starting to move away from me, but I kept a tight grasp on her hand, pulling her to me. I had a feeling I'd need her support. As my mind cleared and my vision focused I could make out who was in the room; in front of me stood President Coin and Plutarch, with Haymitch hanging behind them. Out of the corner of my eye I see Gale standing next to my mother, giving me a small sympathetic smile.

"Get it over with then," Gale snaps, looking sharply at Coin, "if you really think now's the right time to ask things of her…" he trailed off, obviously remembering his place before sinking down into a chair in the corner of the room. Plutarch coughs roughly before taking a few hesitant steps towards me.

"Katniss, we know recent events have been very taxing on you, but the war efforts lately have faltered. We need our Mockingjay." I stare at Plutarch menacingly; I never wanted to hear that phrase again. Being the Mockingjay had brought me nothing but loss so far.

"It's important we keep morale up among the troops." Coin adds, crossing her arms over her chest. "You're absence has been noted, and with Peeta still classed as missing, people are losing faith in what they're fighting for."

I stare blankly at her, trying to push past the agonising pain in my chest. Peeta wasn't missing, he was dead. But she knew confirming that to me wasn't going to have me in the mind-set to do what she wanted. Prim's hand clasped mine tightly and she gave me a worried look, I looked over at her for a moment before looking back at Coin and the others, noticing how sheepish Haymitch looked behind them.

"What will I get out of it, I've already lost Peeta, and my best friend is out fighting for a war that I started without even meaning to. I can't do this anymore! I can't keep losing everyone I care about!" I was shouting by the end of it, tears spilling out of my eyes. Plutarch backed off but Coin stared me down, not about to give up. Gale rushed over to my side, kneeling by my feet and wiping the tears from my face.

"Do it for Peeta, Katniss." Haymitch's voice was gruff and barely audible. I looked up at him in disbelief, could he really be using that against me? "You know he'd have fought for this war Katniss, and he'd have wanted you to stay strong, so that what's happened to him won't have been be in vain." And with that he turned and left the room. His words stung, not because he'd hurt me but because I knew he was right. Peeta would want me to fight, he didn't risk his life so I could throw away the power I now had in the war.

Coin seemed to notice my change in demeanour and uncrossed her arms, relaxing a little. "We need to start work today; you'll need to be in compartment 2308 by ten o clock." She spun on her heels and stalked out the cabin before I had an opportunity to say anything else, and Plutarch followed quickly behind her.

"Well this should be fun," I muttered, earning a small chuckle from Gale.

* * *

"You don't have to do this Catnip," Gale mutters as we walk through Thirteen towards compartment 2308, our footsteps falling heavily on the ground and it's almost like everyone in the district has been called to do something, it's that deserted. "I know you haven't been feeling well…"

"I need to do my bit Gale," I cut him off, not ready to talk to him about the emotional wall I've hit after not finding Peeta. That was a conversation which could never end well between us. "You're out there fighting; I may not be stable enough to do that, so whatever they need me for in here – I'll do it." Gale smiles lightly before taking my hand and we continue the rest of the journey in an anxious silence. Eventually we find compartment 2308, along a darkened corridor with all metal doors and several security officers which allowed me and Gale through on sight, I guess everyone knows who the Girl on Fire is. Gale shunts open the huge door with a small grunt, greeted on the other side by Coin, Plutarch, Haymitch, and a couple of people I haven't met before.

"Good to see you're here Katniss." Coin nods sternly in my direction before taking a seat at the opposite end of the room, almost like her work here is done.

"Yes it is Katniss!" Plutarch beams, offering a much more hospitable approach, "I'm so glad you're on-board. This wouldn't all be possible without you – of course." He motions to the people standing behind him, "This is Cressida and Messalla, Cressida is going to be your director…" it's only then that I notice the bulky camera set up in the corner of the room.

"What exactly are we doing here?" I ask coldly, I couldn't say I was very fond of cameras, they were all too related to my time in the Games.

"Ah right of course, introductions should wait," Plutarch carried on his upbeat tone, obviously trying not to scare me off. "We wanted to start with shooting some propos for the rebellion – you know, keep spirits up, remind them what they're fighting for. We know the Capitol were planning on using the victors to try to sway people to their cause, we don't think they managed to shoot any, but we know they've done some in the past so it'll be good to step on their toes with the idea."

A long silence ensued as I processed what Plutarch was suggesting, I know I'd said I would do anything to help, but this wasn't what I was expecting. Really I should've known, my face was one of the most recognised in the whole on Panem. Having that on your side during this war was one of the most powerful tools you could behold.

"What will I have to talk about?" I ask nervously, noticing how Plutarch's eyes lit up even further, I even saw a small smile creep onto President Coin's face.

"Well we were going to start with general propos about what the rebels are fighting for, we wanted to get some footage of the war first hand with our troops, which you could narrate over. We also wanted to try some interview style segments with you and maybe even getting some footage of you in the field"

Coin stood up harshly, giving Plutarch a warning glare, "well that's a long way off yet, don't get her all excited. If we sent her out there in this state she'd be dead in a minute. Then what do we have?" Some expression I couldn't detect crossed over her face for a moment before she returned to frowning. "Just get her ready for her first propo; we need to get a move on. And Gale," for the first time someone in the room acknowledged Gale who had returned to clutching my hand. "Come with me, there's a meeting in Special Defence." Gale looks confused for a moment before nodding quickly.

"You'll be alright by yourself?" He asks, even though we both know I have no choice. I just nod lightly and they're both out of the room in a flash.

"I know this is all very sudden," Plutarch regains my attention, giving me a slightly sympathetic smile. "But I know some people who will cheer you up."

I turn round when I hear shuffling in the doorway; there stands Flavius, Octavia and Venia, my beautifully eccentric prep team. "What are you doing here?" I cried, a smile breaking over my face and I rush to them_, _tears streaking down their faces as they embrace me.

"Do you really think Cinna would have wanted any other prep team styling this rebellion?" Fulvia smiles down at me. It's only then that I take them in properly. They look nothing like they had in the Capitol, none of the bright colours, dyes, and jewellery. Just three, slightly less than normal, people now stood before me. They were also noticeably calmer than they used to be – obviously this war had tainted even the most naïve of us.

* * *

It took a good few hours for me to be remade to 'Beauty Base Zero' as Venia had called it; seems even the rebels didn't want to see a Mockingjay who was in emotional pieces. Once I'm deemed presentable I'm helped into my Mockingjay costume and given a bandage to cover the gruesome scar on my arm which I'd gained from Johanna digging out my tracker during the last Hunger Games. All three of them try to keep reassuring me that I look beautiful, but I know the truth, my face is drawn with bags under my eyes, I'd never quite managed to put the weight back on I'd lost during the games, and most noticeably my eyes were dead. Plutarch was going to have his work cut out for him trying to make me look approachable on camera.

I'm led to the set alongside Venia who will make any last minute adjustments. Once we arrive Plutarch greats us with a huge smile.

"Well, Katniss, you look great!" He beams, obviously meaning it to be a compliment but I just glare at him a little. He might as well have said I looked a wreck before. As he begins a monologue about what's going to happen today and what we're aiming for, my mind wanders and I begin to gaze round the room. I notice Finnick wandering round the set, and he gives me a thumbs up when he catches me eye. He looks in much better spirits; I'd guess he'd been to see Annie a number of times since she'd been back. The thought made my stomach churn uneasily, all these times Finnick had seen Annie should've been the times I'd been to see Peeta. But he'd never made it back…

I coughed harshly trying to cover the sob forming in my throat and focused my mind on the task at hand. If I was going to avenge Peeta in anyway, this rebellion needed to win.

"Katniss, I thought we could start with something easy today – I just want to get a general shot of you rallying the rebels, something to keep their hopes up, and I thought we could do some narration over some of the footage we've shot." Plutarch motioned for me to follow him to the far side of the room. I did this without question – leaving Venia to consult with the camera crew on my best angles and arrange the lighting. Along the far wall was a small electronic set up with a computer display and some camera reels lying alongside it. Obviously some of the edits of the filming was done here. "We've got some footage we shot in the Capitol during the recent visit to rescue the victors – there's some great shots of the cells they were kept in and we even got some action shots of our troops against their guards." Plutarch continued in his upbeat tone but I felt sick to the stomach. I was going to see the conditions that people had been kept in because they'd helped save me from the games. I could even see what conditions Peeta may have been kept in, that's if they hadn't killed him as soon as they had the chance. I didn't have time to process this thought as Plutarch inserted a disc into the computer and the display filled with images of dark, dank cells. I could almost feel how cold and neglected they were just by looking at them on a screen.

"They're awful," I whispered, more to myself, each cell seemed smaller than the last, with small beds in the corners covered in sheets that may have been once white but were covered in stains ranging from dirt to blood. I covered my mouth with my hand to stop the gasp from leaving me; I had to stay strong now. I tried to ignore the shackles on the wall and the awful images that filled my head of what they could have been doing to my friends. As the imaged changed to footage of a fight going on between some of the Capitol guards and our own men I found I couldn't look anymore, couldn't bear to see the destruction this war was actually causing. I needed to focus on the end goal. As my eyes drifted from the screen I noticed another disc on the counter, on the front of it in very small writing was one word. Peeta.

"What's this?" I asked angrily, grasping the disc before Plutarch had chance to find any excuses. Whatever this was I needed to watch it, even if it only had a glimpse of Peeta's face it'd be worth it. Just to see him one last time. I pushed past Plutarch as he roughly tried to grab me and ejected the disc that was playing before ramming in the new disc. Plutarch tried to jump in front of me, but suddenly it was like he couldn't move. I looked past him and saw Finnick clasping the back of his shirt.

"Play it Katniss!" He cried - I didn't need telling twice. I clicked the play button on the screen and watched as the image unfolded in front of my eyes.

There was Peeta, he was skinnier, his face paler and his hair wasn't its usual glowing blonde. But it was him. I breathed out slowly, feeling the tears prick in my eyes and my heart ached for him. He was sitting down in a chair on a stage, it was only then that I took in the rest of the screen. There next to Peeta sits Caesar Flickerman, I frowned at the screen trying to understand what was going on – this wasn't an interview from the games, I could remember every outfit Peeta had worn for each interview and he'd looked nothing like this. Before I could decipher what they were saying the video cut to another scene, almost identical to the first but this time both Peeta and Caesar were wearing different outfits. How many of these interviews were there?

"What the hell is this?" I cried, snapping round to face Plutarch, I could feel the venom in my glare. "When were these? Why have I not been shown them?" Plutarch began mumbling out incoherent sentences before Finnick gave him a stern shove in the back.

"We didn't want any citizens to become distressed," he sighed, almost remorsefully. But that wasn't going to quell my anger.

"Distressed about what?" Hot tears were spilling down my face now, I'd been denied these last images of Peeta, the proof that the Capitol had kept him alive. That if we'd have been quicker we could've brought him back to us. I turned back to the screen and my question was soon answered for me, Peeta had begun screaming at the camera man before he was knocked in the side of the head, the camera following him to the floor before it was splattered in Peeta's blood. More scenes followed of Peeta in a cell, taking beatings from various guards.

"No!" I screamed, lurching for the screen, wishing I was there to catch Peeta as he fell, to stop them from ever touching him again. "How could you let this happen?" I spun round, glaring at everyone in the room in turn. "You all let him die!" I was running from the room then, hot bile building up in my throat before I collapsed in the corridor, throwing up everything I could've possibly eaten in the last week. The sickening images of Peeta's bloody battered body burned into my memory, never to be forgotten.

"Katniss, breathe!" I looked up to see Finnick crouching above me, pulling my hair from my face. "I'm so sorry Katniss; I can't believe that was kept from you." He rubbed my back soothingly, but it did little to lessen the pain.

"He must've gone through so much!" I gasped, realising now I was sobbing uncontrollably, "We could've saved him!" I was screaming but I didn't care, all those who were guilty deserved to hear this.

"I think you should see Johanna," Finnick spoke up suddenly; I gave him a questioning glance, not understanding what she had to do with anything. "She had the cell next to Peeta's; she could answer some of your questions. She's been insisting to see you but no one will let her, I don't know why, but she keeps saying you need to know the truth about Peeta."

It took a few moments to take in what Finnick was saying, Johanna knew what had happened to Peeta, and she knew who was to blame. I was going to make sure I found out every detail and made sure anyone involved was going to pay. "I need to see her now Finnick," I demanded, he quickly nodded, pulling me up onto my feet and wordlessly led me down the hall. It was time for answers.


	5. Chapter 5

Hey readers! Quick authors note! Thanks to everyone who returns to this story again and again, i'm so happy you enjoy it, and a big hello to any new readers I hope you enjoy the story as well.

a big thank you and shout out again to my beta reader **ct522**, who has once again done a brilliant job, my story wouldn't be as good without her!

And another big shout out to everyone who reviewed on my last chapter; **TornPages03**,** ct522**, and** Kitkatlogan**. Any feedback is the most valuable tool when writing my next chapter. So please feel free to write what you think of the story.

Quick disclaimer - I do not own any of the characters etc, they are all property of Suzanne Collins.

Happy reading everyone!

* * *

The sight of Johanna nearly shocks me to tears. When I walk into her room in the hospital ward, the sight of Johanna nearly shocks me to tears. She's sitting on her bed staring straight at the wall with a blank expression. She's much thinner than I remember; her bones protrude angrily from her body especially around the base of her neck. Her head is shaven and I can clearly see scabby cuts across its surface. But worst of all when she looks at me, her eyes are dead, there's no Johanna spark left in them. If someone as strong as her could be so defeated, what could they have done to others – what had they done to Peeta?

"Johanna," I sigh as I walk across the room, not quite sure how to react. We were never friends, but she did help save my life. I had the scar on my arm to remind me of that every day.

"Katniss," she nods slowly, looking me up and down with a scrutinising eye. "You look _well_" she spits out the last word, but her eyes betray her anger, they look too confused to agree with her tone.

"It's all an act," I pull off the bandage covering the scar on my arm and grab a tissue out of a box on the side and roughly scrub some of the makeup off my face. "It's all for the audience." I sigh, I never ever got round to shooting any footage which meant I'd have to face it all again. Johanna still eyes me curiously but she seems less annoyed at me. "I need to know about Peeta," I blurt out, unable to hold it in anymore, no more pleasantries; Johanna wouldn't have ever wanted them anyway.

"No, how are you doing Johanna? Just tell me about Peeta," Johanna smirks, a slight glint of the old her reappearing in her eyes. "I should've known…" She looks down at her lap, suddenly unable to look at me. "There's not a lot to tell Katniss, but I think you should sit down for it."

I sit down next to Johanna on the bed and she scoots close to me so her mouth isn't far from my ear. "I'm not sure they want me telling you any of this," she explains her closeness, diverting her eyes to the corner of the room where I suspect they must have a camera installed.

"So you had the cell next to Peeta…" I begin, trying to coax the rest of the story out of her, knowing if she doesn't tell me quickly I may never get the chance to hear it again. She nods sadness clear in her eyes.

"They used to torture us Katniss, all of us who were there. But they seemed to want something else with Peeta. They would take him off for hours on end, and when he came back he wouldn't speak for hours." Johanna takes a deep breath, trying to steady her breathing as she explains their ordeal. I give her hand a tight squeeze before letting go, it's the most contact we've probably ever had but I know Johanna is on my side right now. "He would scream out in the night, and it would nearly always be your name Katniss. Sometimes it would be soft and sad, other times it was like he was furious with you."

I tried to process what she'd said to me, why would Peeta be angry with me? "He blamed me," I blurted out, tears stinging in my eyes. "I'd have never left him if I'd known Johanna, he must've known that."

"That place does weird things to you Katniss, I don't know what they did, but before I could've never imagined Peeta being angry with you. It was like he was a different person." Johanna shook her head, frowning lightly as she did so as if she was trying to work something out.

"What happened to him Johanna? Why didn't he come back with you all?" I asked the question which had been bothering me the most. Johanna just shrugged then sighed loudly, knowing she couldn't keep the truth from me.

"It must've been about two weeks before we were rescued. One day they took Peeta away and he was never brought back." She looked at me with grief filled eyes. "I kept expecting him to turn up one day, and he never did."

"They killed him Johanna," I spat out bluntly, I had to accept what had happened, and now the pieces were all adding up. Snow had killed Peeta, and we'd been too slow to save him. Johanna shocked me by grabbing my arm roughly and yanking me even closer to her.

"Katniss I need to tell you something." She spoke quickly, her eyes darting around the room in a panic. "I don't think Peeta's dead, I heard people talking, they thought I was asleep." Johanna was interrupted by a number of doctors rushing into the room. One ran over and roughly pulled Johanna from me, shoving her roughly into the bed, in her frail state she was unable to fend him off. Another two grabbed me by one arm each and starting dragging me from the room. I tried to fight against them, kicking and screaming, I needed to know what Johanna had heard.

"Katniss!" I heard Johanna scream as the doctors were finally pulling me through the door. I grabbed onto the doorframe, my fingernails digging into it and peeling off the white paint as they dragged along the surface. "Four – three – seven!" she shouted to me before I was yanked from the room and the door slammed shut in my face.

* * *

After being escorted from Johanna's room I was rushed to my own cabin before being shoved inside and the door locked from the outside. I'd spent the first couple of hours of my isolation screaming and banging on the door, demanding somebody let me out. However, no one even called back a response to my cries, let alone open the door for me. It wasn't until my body was overcome with exhaustion that I collapsed in my bed and let the world around me fade into darkness. It must've been a few hours later when I was woken by a soft call of my name.

"Katniss," a girl whispered, for a moment I refused to open my eyes; I wasn't ready to face up to the consequences of my earlier actions. It wasn't until the voice called again that I realised who it was and my eyes snapped open.

"Prim!" I cried, sitting upright and pulling her into my arms. I wasn't sure how long my isolation would last; I certainly hadn't expected to see my family tonight.

"I heard what happened," Prim sighed, pulling away from me and looking into her lap. Her blonde braid hung across her shoulder, creating a pendulum affect as it swung in front of her. I leaned over and took it in my hand, steadying it as Prim raised her eyes to mine. She didn't look angry, just confused. "Finnick told me you went to see Johanna, and things got out of hand." She explained, taking my hand from her braid and clasped it in her own. "What are you trying to do Katniss? They'll have you locked back up in a medical ward if you carry on this way. Finnick said Coin's been informed and she's not happy." Prim frowned lightly before breaking into a soft smile. She knew I'd never be one to play by the rules.

"I had to Prim, it was about Peeta," Prim looked at me, even more confused than before. I then explained to her everything from the disc I'd found to what Johanna had said to me in her room.

"Wow," she breathed out loudly at the end of my story. "What do you think? Do you think Peeta's alive?"

"I can wish," I sighed, knowing I couldn't get my hopes up again, not after they'd been crushed yet again after the rescue of the victors. "If he is, I will find him Prim, nothing will stop me." Prim nodded before rushing over the other side of the room to grab a piece of paper and a pen.

"You need to write down everything, especially that number Johanna called to you. It all has to mean something," she began muttering to herself as she handed me the paper and pen, before pacing back and forth in the room. "We need that disc," Prim added, looking at me hopefully.

"I think Plutarch has it," I interjected, suddenly annoyed at my stupidity of running away without it. "I left it in the computer." Prim just nodded lightly, eyes fixated on the wall in front of her, obviously trying to hatch some kind of plan. We were suddenly interrupted by a knock on the door.

"Catnip, I know you're in there!" Gale called through the thick walls. "Are you alright?"

Prim headed over to the door before looking at me for permission, I nodded hastily and as soon as she turned the handle Gale came bounding through.

"Sorry Prim," he called to her hastily before rushing over to me, "what the hell have you been up to? I don't see you for a few hours and everything goes to pot," he laughs lightly before diving forward and giving me a tight squeeze.

"I'd better be heading back to the medical ward," Prim murmurs to us, obviously wanting to give us space. "And Katniss," she adds before she leaves the room, "I'll have a think about what it could mean." Gale gives me a questioning glance but I just shake my head lightly.

"So since when do you risk Coin's fury to see Johanna Mason?" Gale asks laughing lightly, but there's sincerity behind his question. I know he doesn't understand any of my motives because I haven't been able to confide in him about any of this.

"I had some questions for her, things I needed answering. I hate being in the dark about things," I ramble, trying to cover over the fact that the reason I went was to ask about Peeta.

"I know what you saw Katniss," Gale sighs, sounding slightly frustrated that I'm not being open with him. "I came by the set to see how you were doing and Plutarch filled me in on everything. I then went to find Finnick and he told me what had happened and that you'd be here."

"Oh," I reply pathetically, not sure how to explain to Gale what I'd felt seeing Peeta hurting. "Johanna was one of the last people to see Peeta, I just had to know" I look into his eyes hopefully, maybe he won't take any of it to heart.

"He's gone Katniss," Gale answers coldly, his body visibly stiffening. "You need to focus on yourself; this obsession with Peeta is going to ruin you."

"He was my friend Gale!" I cry, inching away from him – how could he not understand how hard this was for me. "How do you think I'd react if something happened to you?" I realise once I say it that I'd made a big mistake.

"So that's it is it? Peeta means the same to you as I do." Gale spits, heading over towards the door. "I'm trying to be understanding Katniss but I don't know what you want from me. You're not getting Peeta back, why can't you just move on?" He's shouting by the end of his sentence before he leaves the room, slamming the door behind him.

"No, Gale!" I cry after him before a frustrated scream erupts from my throat and I throw myself down onto the mattress. The last thing I needed right now was Gale being against me.

* * *

It seems like days before another knock sounds at the door. I've spent the last few hours lying on my back on top of my mattress staring around the bland room, trying to thinking everything through – from the possibility of Peeta being alive to Gale's outburst. I'm thankful for the interruption of my thoughts.

"It's Finnick," he calls through the door and I quickly rush over and unlock it for him.

"What are you doing here?" I ask quickly once I've ushered him inside. "Didn't you get in trouble for helping me with Plutarch? And taking me to see Johanna?"

"Being declared mentally unstable has its advantages," Finnick winks at me, a boyish grin settling over his face. "I just need to be under observation for more hours a day, which works fine for me 'cus the doctors often let me see Annie while I'm in the ward." He shrugs before covering the length of the room and plonking himself down in the chair situated in the corner. It's only at his mention of Annie that I remember he finally managed to be reunited with her.

"How is she?" I ask lightly, not sure what kind of response I'll get.

"Shaken up," he answers simply, "but she's getting better every day. I'm just glad to have her back." I smile warmly over at him, genuinely happy that some good things could happen amidst all the fighting. "Now, back to why I'm here," he interjects, suddenly rifling in a bag I'd only just noticed he'd brought with him. "I've got a present for you," he smirks, handing me over a folded old grey t-shirt. I look at it questioningly until he motions for me to open it. As I do, I recognise the one word poking out from within the folds of the fabric. Peeta. I gasp, throwing the shirt aside and gazing at the same disc I had taken from Plutarch earlier.

"How did you?" I mumble, too busy staring at the disc like it was going to disappear.

"Swiped it from under Plutarch's nose while everyone was watching you run out," he shrugs like it was nothing. "I figured you'd want it for something."

I rush over to him and embrace him in a tight hug, "thank you Finnick, for everything," I beam up at him, today wouldn't have been possible if it wasn't for his help.

"I like Peeta," Finnick explains as we pull away from each other. "I just hope you can figure out what happened to him." He then wordlessly walks over to the door giving me a quick wave before he leaves.

I stare at the disc in my hands and find I'm crying, tears of relief. This disc holds the last sightings of Peeta I have, evidence that he was alive in the Capitol and they had been using him for something. That had to mean something; surely they wouldn't kill someone who they needed. I needed to find everything I could about this disc and the footage on it, when and where it was filmed, where it had been recorded from. There was only one person I could think of who had the technical ability to help me and would be discreet about it. I needed to find Beetee.

* * *

I rushed around Thirteen, asking any officials where I could find Beetee. Eventually I was told I'd find him down in the armoury. I ran there as fast as I could, panting uncontrollably as I burst into the giant room. It took a while for my eyes to adjust as I entered the dark room, but eventually I could make out the large training area surrounded by rows upon rows of weapons. I scanned the room quickly until I spotted Beetee, sitting at the far end of the room at a large computer set up.

"Beetee!" I called to him before jogging across the room. He spun round on his chair and smiled widely at me.

"Katniss, if you're after Gale they just finished training," he started but I cut him off.

"Erm, no," I answered awkwardly, brushing off the fact that I was probably betraying Gale right now. Some things were more important than petty jealousies. "I was looking for you, I need your help." Beetee paused for a moment before nodding, motioning over to another chair next to him. I quickly sat down and explained the whole thing to him. "So, do you think you can help?" I finally asked, looking at him hopefully, I knew next to nothing when it came to technology and if Beetee wouldn't help I'd reached a dead end.

"Of course," Beetee emanated confidence and smirked at me slightly, as if I'd asked a ridiculous question, "let's get started," he took the disc from me before inserting it into his computer for analysis.

"Do you know when it was filmed?" I asked one I could see data beginning to fill the screen. Beetee's eyes scanned over it quickly before nodding

"It was recorded three weeks ago," he answers simply, continuing to look through the scrolling words on the screen. Three weeks ago would've been during the time period Johanna had said Peeta had gone missing from his cell. So they had kept him alive. I felt relief flooding over me; all the clues were beginning to paint an optimistic picture of Peeta possibly being alive. "That's weird," Beetee muttered, breaking me from my thoughts.

"What is?" I asked urgently, leaning closer to the screen.

"This recording was taking off live footage streamed from the Capitol. But this was never shown on the channels here. It's like it was intercepted before citizens were able to see it." Beetee frowned, looking over at me, "there's only one person who'd have the power to do that."

"Coin," I breathe, finding it hard to believe. Why would she intercept the streams from the Capitol? Yes it may be distressing, but surely seeing one of our own tortured by the Capitol would only rally the troops.

* * *

After seeing Beetee I returned to my cabin, jotting down everything Beetee and I had found out on the paper like Prim had told me to. It'd be easier to figure it all out if I could order it in some way. A few hours after I arrived in the cabin my mother had come, confused that Prim wasn't around.

"She should've finished her shift by now," my mother mumbled to herself, "she must have a patient that needs attention." She begins busying herself by tidying the room, burying her head in the sand as usual. When it reaches 9 o'clock I begin to get suspicious; there was no way Prim would be kept in the hospital till that time. I start to worry she's been intercepted by the guards on her way back, maybe trying to get information on what I found out from Johanna, when suddenly she bursts into the cabin.

"Katniss!" she cries, rushing to me and ignoring my mother as she babbles on about the hospital keeping her so late. "I think I know what Johanna meant, four three seven is a ward in the hospital!"


	6. Chapter 6

Hey everyone, as always thanks for either sticking with the story - or if you're a new reader, thanks for giving it a chance

First off, once again a massive thank you to my amazing beta reader ct522, she's truly amazing! The story wouldn't be half as easy to read if it wasn't for her help :)

And another big thankyou to **Kitkatlogan, silverghost105, DA8636 **and **ct522 **for the lovely reviews. Feedback is the best thing a writer can receive - especially when people enjoy your work. I have only recently realised that you can reply to reviews (I'm still new at this) so I will get round to it asap

Quick disclaimer - all the characters etc belong to suzanne collins

Happy reading :)!

* * *

"What?" I gasp, grabbing my sister's shoulders with a sudden urgency." How do you know this Prim?" She begins to nervously play with her hair, a sign that she'd done something she believed she'd be reprimanded for but I nodded to her- encouraging her it was okay to say what she was thinking.

"I went on the hospital computer system after my shift ended. I was looking for Johanna's room to go and talk to her. But the strange thing was she'd been moved since you'd talked to her and they hadn't entered her new room number on the system"

"They're trying to keep me away from her," I interjected, the pieces all falling together, there was something to officials were trying to hide - which Johanna had held the key to all along. Prim nodded eagerly before continuing."

"Well I decided to look at a floor plan of the hospital ward, to try and see which rooms would be most inconspicuous for them to relocate Johanna to, and then I was going to have a look round and see if she was there." I marvelled for a moment at my sister's logic – she really had matured over the last few months. She was becoming much wiser than I was myself. "And then I saw it! There's an old section of the ward which used to be used for general intensive care patients, but now it's only used for extreme cases. I've never seen it because it's hidden behind another ward, but on the floor plan it says all the bed numbers from four hundred and higher are in there." Prim beams at me, obviously very pleased with herself before she reaches out and squeezes my arms tightly. "We have to try it Katniss."

I breathe out slowly, my breath hitching in my throat as I do so. I can feel my whole body is trembling – which excitement, or anxiety I don't know. If Prim was right, Peeta could've been under my nose all along. Maybe that's why the doctors had been talking about him when Johanna overheard them. A sickening feeling started in my stomach, why would Peeta have been kept a secret though? This thought began to defeat my optimism; surely these were just thoughts of a hopeless girl who wanted someone she cared about back in her grasp.

"What are you two talking about?" My mother angrily interrupts my thoughts, I'd completely forgotten she was in the room – and so had Prim by the ashamed look on her face. I'd doubt my mother would be very happy that both her daughters had carried out actions which would not please the authorities in Thirteen.

"Prim thinks she's found Peeta," I sigh, watching the confusion take over my mother's face. She opens her mouth to retort but I cut her off, and start explaining from the beginning.

"I can help," my mother murmurs after I've finished explaining. She stayed eerily quiet for the whole explanation. I look at her, questioning her motives. Why would she want to help her daughters sneak into a hospital ward they were most likely prohibited from entering? She looks at me determinately before reaching and giving my shoulder a soft squeeze, "Katniss I've seen what Peeta's disappearance has done to you these last few months – you're not yourself and you're not happy. I'll do anything to try and change that." She sighs, extending her other arm to Prim who quickly runs into my mother's chest. "Now, I have higher security clearance than both of you at the hospital. I will sort something out first thing in the morning and come and get you at midday during my lunch break." I frown at her - although I'm grateful for her help, how am I supposed to last until midday tomorrow knowing Peeta was within walking distance. My mother see's the doubt on my face, "Katniss, if we try and act too rashly we could be caught out and you may never get into that ward. Now I'm not guaranteeing Peeta will be there so don't get your hopes up, but I know there's got to be something they're hiding in there."

That night went by painfully slow; it involved a lot of hours sitting and staring at the walls or ceiling. I'd also pulled out the rope Finnick had given me, furiously tying knots into it to try and steady my mind. I was scared any thought I had could send me over the edge, they ranged from happy thoughts of being with Peeta this time tomorrow, to thoughts which involved finding evidence that Peeta was gone forever. At one point in the night these thoughts had made me burst out into tears and Prim had ran to my side, holding me with such force I felt I'd break if she let go. The emptiness in my heart felt like it was expanding. Even though every minute was one closer to finding out the truth, I felt as though it was getting further away.

The morning after didn't pass easily either, I spent the majority in a haze caused by my lack of sleep. I couldn't eat, and could barely even converse with Prim as she bustled around trying to keep meoccupied, she even resorted to washing and styling my hair, stating that I should look my best if I saw Peeta – even though she assured me he wouldn't mind anyway. It was then that my heart truly sank, Peeta wouldn't ever mind how I looked, he'd loved me unconditionally, and all I'd done was hurt him. What if he'd finally awakened to the truth, it was my fault he'd been captured, tortured, and maybe now kept in a hospital ward away from human company. I forced myself to breathe deeply, and soon I was in a half asleep haze in which visions of our reunion replayed in my mind. I must've spent a few hours in this state because it wasn't until my mother entered the room that I re-joined reality.

"Katniss, get up, you need to be quick," my mother rushed over to me, extending a hand to me to pull me off the bed. "I've had a key card printed off the system for you, I've managed to get access to all wards on it – but if anyone spots this on the system before you get there it'll be wiped off immediately." My mother hands me a card, shaking her head at Prim when she holds out her hand to accept one, "you're not coming, I'm not having you brought into this." She waves off Prim's arguments and directs her attention back to me. "When you swipe the card, the hospital system will get an automated message that someone has entered the ward. You'll have about ten minutes before anyone gets to you to have a look around." Prim looks at her sceptically, but I know ten minutes is all I need, all I need to know is if Peeta is in that room. I know if I see Peeta in that room they can't hide him from me anymore. My mother gives me a worried stare as I ready to leave the room so I quickly embrace her in a hug.

"Don't worry, I've survived two Hunger Games - this is nothing." I wink at Prim, gaining a small giggle from her. In that moment I was probably the happiest I'd been in months. "You and Prim had nothing to do with this," I say sternly before marching out the room.

* * *

Gaining access to the hospital ward is easier than I expected; I'd been in and out so many times in the last few months for check-ups, appointments, and due to my many breakdowns that the nurses had become accustomed to my random presence and didn't acknowledge it. I quickly made my way around the maze-like layout of the hospital, following the directions Prim had given me from the floor plans she had looked at. I tried not to bring attention to myself and ignored eye contact knowing speed was the best way to handle this. As I got closer to the ward I felt my palms moistening and my heart pounding. My breaths came out in sharp gasps and I felt like everyone's eyes were turning on me. I practically ran through the hospital, finally – after what felt like an age – I reached the old metal doors at the back of one of the lesser used wards. They were painted over in white which matched the walls and were only noticeable by the thin slit windows at the top of each door and the small keypad by the side. I stood on my tiptoes but was unable to see through the windows.

I was about the push my key card into the device on the wall when I felt as though my whole body had frozen. Everything I had hoped for these last few months could be behind that door, my pulse was racing and I felt my vision blurring. I shook my head, forcing myself to stay in the realm of the conscious – I couldn't waste this opportunity I had now, but my body still refused to react to my mind. In the next few minutes I could have my hopes crushed yet again, I couldn't grieve Peeta's death again, I'd already done it twice and I knew this time would be the end of me. I moved away from the keypad -what were even the chances of Peeta being in there? Surely the whole hospital would be more heavily guarded if there was such a secret behind those doors. I was about to turn away from the door until I heard a rustle behind me. In a fit of adrenalin I quickly pushed my key into the slot and burst through the ward doors. I let out a sigh of relief as they shut behind me, sealing me from whoever was on the other side.

It wasn't until a moment later when I realised what I'd done. I slowly spun round in the room and it was eerily empty. I didn't know what I'd expected, like Peeta would be sitting right in front of the door in plain sight of anyone who came in. I took in the surroundings around me, quickly trying to gain some kind of bearings. It was almost as if I'd walked into a small-scale hospital. I appeared to have walked into some kind of reception room, as there was a large desk with piles of papers long ago discarded on there. I quickly walked through the room, trying to ignore the toppled furniture in the room which suggested it hadn't been used in years. The floor was slightly sticky, which felt wrong in a medical facility, but I doubted anyone treated in this area would be here for physical health problems. Past the reception area was another double doorway – however this one wasn't locked. I pushed the heavy doors open, almost collapsing under their weight. Everything about this room screamed neglect and disuse. All my hopes began to diminish the longer I spent in here. Once through the doors there were several doorways in a row. As I studied them I noticed on the front of them were clipboards, I'd have guessed they were used for patient notes. Obviously these rooms had been old patient rooms. I looked up and down the row of rooms, not sure where to begin when I suddenly heard a rustle; my keen sense of hearing I had gained through years of hunting would not let me down now. I quickly followed the direction of the noise to the end room.

I placed my hand on the door, noticing that it felt slightly warmer than the freezing reception area. It would've suggested some kind of heating had been used in the room. I swallowed hard - this had to be it. Whatever was a secret back here was in this room. I realised then I'd been taking too long in my search and needed to get a move on before someone found me. I took a deep breath, reaching out and twisting the doorknob, noticing that it wasn't stiff under my grasp – it had definitely been used recently. With the last piece of adrenaline I held in me I burst through the door into the room behind it.

For a moment all I could see was an unbearable bright light, the whole room was pure white with unforgiving fluorescent strip lights stretching across the ceiling. As my eyes adjusted a figure started to focus in my sights. I felt myself gasp before I truly understood who was sat before me. There, lying on the hospital bed was Peeta. He was thinner, his once thick defined muscles had shrunk in size, his shoulders were much less broad and his face gaunt. He looked less like himself in the plain hospital gown, showing off his bruised and battered body with no shame. His hair seemed duller, less healthy, and it hung in front of his eyes – desperately needing a trim. But his eyes never changed, they were still the most unbelievable blue I'd ever seen – able to entice me just by making contact with my own. Peeta could change in many ways, but I'd never mistake those eyes.

I was frozen in shock as I gazed at him, in that moment he was just the helpless boy with the bread, the boy I'd fought to protect in the arena, the boy I'd have given my life for. I finally had him back.

"Katniss," Peeta breathed, his voice sounded strained and unfamiliar, but it was him. His eyes locked with mine, for a moment they held his usual gentleness until they seemed to harden. I held my hand out towards him, still unable to move, afraid that even touching him would make him disappear from me again. I couldn't take that, not now he was so close. Peeta moved before I did, almost jumping off the bed before moving towards me, I felt the smile on my face grow as his eyes glances over me. I wanted him to just take me in his arms, hold me tight and promise he wouldn't be taken again. I even felt my lips tingle in anticipation of the kisses he would most likely give; he'd always been so generous with them. As Peeta's arms began to reach for me I found myself able to move, the desire to be within them again fending off any anxiety I felt. As I near him my lips begin to form his name, as his fingers lock around my throat.

"Peeta!" I gasp desperately against his strong hold, my hands flailing useless around his strong arms. Clearly he still had a considerable amount of muscle left despite his appearance. Peeta moved us back until I hit the wall behind me, his grip on me tightening further. I tried calling his name again but I find myself unable to draw in enough breath to do so. Tears begin falling freely down my face as I search his eyes, for once they looks so foreign to me – full of anger and hurt. I can't think of any reason why Peeta would do this to me, why would he ever hurt me? My breaths start becoming short and panicky; Peeta is going to kill me. I'd spent the first Hunger Games believing this to be the truth until he proved me otherwise, never did I again think this would be our reality.

"Please," I manage to choke, seconds before a group of doctors and security burst through the door, finally responding to someone entering the secret ward. The guards instantly move to Peeta, pulling him away from me roughly. As his hands move from my throat I find my body violently convulsing trying to regain the oxygen it had been starved of moment before.

"Katniss," a female doctor coos as other hold me down on the floor. "Breathe steady Katniss, you're going to be fine." I force myself to look into her eyes, begging her to help me as I slowly slip into unconsciousness.


	7. Chapter 7

Hey again everyone! Thanks once again for sticking with the story :) and thank-you to everyone joining the story for the first time, hope you enjoy it!

And yet again a massive thank-you to my amazing beta reader **ct522 **who edited this chapter for me amazingly quick this week

sorry for the delay, I meant to send this before I went away for a few days but completely forgot and had no internet! Good news is the next chapters written

Another big thank-you to my reviews from **rhianon, kitkatlogan, destined627, silverghost105, **and **tornpages03 **I really love hearing what you guys think, and feedback is always appreciated!

I know a lot of you guys were hoping that Peeta wouldn't be hijacked, but lets face it - it's a big part of Mockingjay. However I do promise that he will not be as bad as in Suzanne Collins' books and Katniss will not be putting up an emotional barrier between them.

Disclaimer - all the characters etc belong to Suzanne Collins not myself.

Happy reading!

* * *

I enter the world of consciousness very slowly, not wanting to face a reality where I'd just been strangled by the boy I'd been dreaming about seeing for months. My hearing comes back to me before me sight, I can make out the constant beeping of hospital equipment. I then know I'm back in the place I hate most, the hospital ward. I sense something cold pressed against my throat and my eyes snap open in panic. My hand flies up to my neck, only to find it's not Peeta's hands once again locked around my throat, but a metal collar. My sudden movement alerts those in the room. The same female doctor who had come to me in Peeta's room quickly makes her way over to my bed.

"Katniss, try not to make any sudden movements, you've been out for quite a while" she places a hand on my arms, coaxing me to lay it back down my side. "I'll tell your family you're awake."

"What's going on?" I murmur, gaining her attention before she turns away. "Why is Peeta here? Why did he hurt me?"

"I can't answer your questions Katniss, I'm sorry," the doctor quickly turns away from me and exits the room. I quickly grow frustrated, sitting myself up in the bed. I wasn't going to be kept in the dark anymore, look where it had landed me this time. Peeta had been kept a secret from us all for a reason, it probably had something to do with him attacking me, but I couldn't understand that for starters. The look in Peeta's eyes was of pure hatred, something I'd never seen him even show a hint of towards me. The only conclusion I could think of was that I left him; all those months I'd been safe in Thirteen, he'd been tortured by the Capitol and kept a prisoner. I'd hate me in his position.

"Katniss!" My mother and Prim burst into the room, Prim reaches me first, throwing her arms around me as my mother's hangs back from us both. I look at her questioningly and tears begin to well in her eyes.

"Katniss, I shouldn't have let you do that, I'm so sorry," she murmurs, showing the most emotion I'd seen in her in years.

"It's not your fault, you weren't to know." I console her before turning to Prim, giving her a weak smile as she looks up at me. "You were right little duck," I laugh lightly knowing it will help make Prim feel better. I start to feel pressure on my throat – probably from the inevitable bruising forming there.

"Why would he do that Katniss? Peeta would've never hurt you!" She cried, burying her face back into my chest as I rub her back soothingly. I say nothing as I can't understand it myself. We're interrupted moments later when the door swings open again and my family is ushered out by the same female doctor who insists she needs to do urgent medical tests.

Once she leaves again I'm greeted by an unexpected visitor. Haymitch lingers in the doorway; his clothes are wrinkled like he'd slept in them for days. His hair is unkempt and dark circles have further defined themselves under his eyes. As he looks at me his expression screams guilt - instantly I know why.

"You knew," I spit at him. He looks shocked for a moment before regaining his composure. "You knew what happened to Peeta in the Capitol, and you knew he was here and you kept it from me!" I was screaming by this point, my doctor tried to re-enter the room but Haymitch assured her we were fine. I was far from fine. "How could you Haymitch! You're supposed to look after us, look what you've done to us! He hates me," Furious hot tears were now falling down my face. Haymitch simply shook his head lightly before moving towards me, he laid a hand on my arm but I tore it away from his grasp.

"Sweetheart, I didn't know." He sighs, forcing himself to meet my eyes, "do you really think if I knew Peeta was in the district I would've let them keep him prisoner. I wanted him back too remember," I try to detect the lies in his voice but he sounds completely earnest.

"I don't understand Haymitch," I murmur pathetically, the tears still flowing freely down my cheeks. "Why would Peeta ever hurt me?" Haymitch reaches over again and takes my hand this time.

"Katniss, Peeta was brought back with the other victors – but he'd undergone a lot worse than they had." Haymitch started, it seemed even he was finding it hard to think of words. "He's been hijacked sweetheart, it's a form of torture used in the Capitol. They used tracker jacker venom in fear conditioning techniques - I don't know if I'm the best person to describe this to you…" he trails off, muttering to himself.

"No, please, Haymitch you're the only person I trust to tell me the truth." I urge him to carry on; I know he wouldn't keep anything from me.

"They've forced Peeta to remember events while injecting him with the venom to distort his memories," Haymitch sums up. Just then I notice the small girl behind him who had crept into the room during his explanation.

"So they took Peeta's memories of Katniss and made them scary?" Prim almost whispers, her big eyes watering as if she's about to cry. She knew the pain I'd been through waiting for Peeta, and once again he had been torn from me. Haymitch simply nods at her before she rounds him to return to my side. I let myself process the information, it would explain Peeta's sudden hatred for me, the normal Peeta would've wanted to treasure every moment of our reunion. "Can it be reversed?" Prim squeaks after a while, obviously asking the questions I couldn't process myself yet.

"We don't know," Haymitch answers, forever honest with me. "There's not much information on it." He sighs, balling his hands into his hair. I knew his pain; we hadn't kept the boy alive all this time for him to be destroyed in front of our eyes.

"But you'll try?" Prim persists, squeezing my arm tightly.

"I'll make sure of it, the officials have already crossed us enough –they will make it up to us this way." I hadn't heard as much determination in Haymitch's voice since the last time he's sent us off to the arena. I nodded to him to show my thanks.

"I still don't understand though. If Peeta was brought back with the other victors, why was he kept a secret?" I ask the questions still bugging my mind, why did Coin feel the need to keep us apart. If I'd have known of Peeta condition I wouldn't have mindlessly burst into his room like I had this time.

"Control I guess," Haymitch shrugged his shoulders, "loosing Peeta had already motivated you to start shooting propos. Coin would always have that power over you."

"Who knew?" I asked, the angers rising in my voice as I learnt of Coin's betrayal. Peeta had been kept from me by people I thought I could trust, I wouldn't make the same mistake again.

"Everyone on the mission to free the victors," Haymitch answers simply, looking me dead in the eyes.

"Everyone?" I croaked, thinking of the one person who had gone on the mission, who I trusted more than anyone in my life. Haymitch knew who my question was about and just nodded – confirming my fears. Gale had known all along. "I need to see Gale," I turn to Prim and she nods curtly.

"He's sat outside; he's been waiting hours to see you." I can tell she's answering cautiously, trying not to spark a further fury in me before I see Gale.

"Bring him in; I need to talk to him, alone." Haymitch quickly excuses himself, practically jogging out the room, but Prim hesitates for a moment.

"Try not to be too brash Katniss; Gale would never try to hurt you." She almost whispers to me before disappearing out the door – replaced moments later by Gale. He seems sheepish, I can tell by his expression he's weary – he knows I know something. He just doesn't know how much. I eye him up and down, he looks slightly dishevelled, I'm sure he's spent the last few hours of my unconsciousness pacing the room – but I don't feel any sympathy for him. Not yet. He moves over to me slowly, I can feel his eyes on my face - carefully calculating my reaction to his every move. I try to keep a stone face until he's too close for me to bear his presence.

"How could you?" I breathe out, it's not a scream – it doesn't even sound angry. My voice is tired and strained, and I think that gets to him more. His eyes then fall to the floor before peeking up at me every now and again. "I asked you a question," I probe, anger beginning to rise in my voice now. Gale obviously realises he's not getting away with anything and looks up at me with a stern expression.

"What, Katniss?" I can't tell if he's playing dumb, or he's just as fed up as I am. His voice lacks any emotion, not what I'd expected from him.

"You knew Peeta was in the district, you lied to me! You made me think he was dead!" The anger rose in my voice and I ended up screaming the word "dead". It fell flat in the silent room as Gale just breathed in and out loudly.

"They were my orders Katniss," he sighed, trying to look me in the eye. I can't even bring myself to meet them. His voice sounds softer and I could tell he's getting upset but I wasn't going to give in now. I wanted my answers.

"What orders Gale?" I spit at him, moving forward in my bed – not caring as my body ached from the sudden movement. "I want to know everything! I'm not being kept in the dark anymore!"

"All of us on the mission were ordered to keep Peeta's status under wraps. I'm a soldier now Katniss, what Coin says goes." His eyes search me all over, as if anxious for my response.

"You couldn't even tell me Gale?" My voice came out much softer than before and I could recognise the emotion lacing through it – hurt. "I'm your best friend Gale, your _girlfriend_." I almost whispered the last word. Gale's expression changes at that, he knows I hate using that word and I'd only used it to get at him. "I'd have told you everything."

"Why do you care so much, Katniss!" he cried, suddenly breaking his calm demeanour – making me jump back as he did so. "He's just another person we rescued on another mission, you don't argue if I can't tell you other things Coin has planned."

"He's my friend!" I cried back, tears of frustration welling in my eyes. Gale knew what I'd wreck I'd been over losing Peeta, yet he'd refused to lessen the pain.

"He's not just your friend Katniss," Gale's voice was full of anger by then, and then I realised the truth behind his betrayal. Jealousy.

"I haven't got time for your petty jealousy, Gale; you were playing with a boy's life." My voice was cold, I wasn't sure I'd ever spoke this way to Gale before. "You should leave, but don't you worry – I'll find out everything you've all been hiding from me." He opens his mouth to protest but I hold a hand up to him, simply mouthing the word 'go'.

I was kept in the hospital for a further two days, I was told it was to keep an eye on my condition and make sure the pressure on my neck had not caused internal damage. Really, I knew it was to keep me out of the way for a couple of days. Gale didn't come back during this time and I was glad for it. I needed space; I needed time to think about everything that had happened over the last few days. Gale had betrayed me, Peeta was alive – but he wasn't Peeta, and Coin seemed to be plotting against me for some reason. It was all too much to take in at times, and I'd often opted for spending most the day trying to sleep off the pain – both physical and emotional. Prim and my mother had spent as much time as possible with me and Finnick and Johanna had even come together to visit me – although most of their visit was just me filling them in on what had happened with Peeta.

When I was finally allowed out the hospital I gained another visitor – moments before leaving the ward. It was Haymitch, he smelt less of booze and his appearance was more groomed, which meant he'd probably been working on something.

"You should come with me," is his only means of a hello, I just give him a cynical glance, to which he chuckles lightly. "They're going to try something on Peeta," he explains, to which he gains my full attention. "They've found someone from district twelve to send into Peeta – someone he shares childhood memories, but nothing too close to you."

"What for?" I asked, although I already had my bag in my hand – ready to go.

"Try to stir up some good memories I guess," Haymitch shrugs," I don't really pay attention to their scientific crap." I shake my head lightly, even letting out a short breathy laugh. Whether it was Haymitch's lack of attention to something so important, or the thought of Peeta regaining some of his memory – I suddenly felt a lot lighter and happier.

"Well come on then old man," I call to him, heading straight out the door. "Lets get Peeta back."

As we walk up to Peeta's new recovery room – which has been moved to a normal intensive care ward in the hospital now that Thirteen's secret was out – I notice a lot of traffic in, out and around his room. I feel as though a weight has been lifted, knowing people are actually working to make him better. I know Haymitch probably has a big part to play in this, but I don't call him up on it – knowing he never likes to get positive attention. Then I see her, Delly Cartwright – sitting talking to Plutarch. He had obviously decided to help Peeta – probably after losing his Mockingjay on set the other day. Delly spots me and gives me an all too excited smile before she calls to me.

"Hey, Delly," I reply with much less enthusiasm, "how are you?" I ask out of courtesy. It's not that I dislike the girl, I just often find myself uncomfortable around overly happy people. She begins going on about how nice the people are in Thirteen, I try to agree with her, knowing it's not everyone in Thirteen's fault for Coin's secrecy. "Are you the one they picked to see Peeta?" I ask quickly, as to stop her from talking forever. As nice as the girl was, I was more interested in seeing Peeta again.

She nods sadly, her eyes suddenly losing their excitement from a moment ago. "Poor Peeta, poor _you_" she adds at the end. I'm not sure how to react so I just leave it. I couldn't say I minded that someone could see Peeta would always affect me.

"You've known Peeta for a long time?" I asked, feeling slightly stupid for not knowing they could be friends in the first place. Did I really know Peeta that well though.

"Oh yes, we used to play with each other as children, we were so close we would say he was my brother." She laughed quickly before the sadness began to creep back into her eyes. I could imagine hearing the news about Peeta hadn't been easy for her. With that I could sympathise.

"What do you think?" Haymitch suddenly piped up, and I realised he was asking for my consent.

"She's perfect," I reply quietly, I couldn't imagine anything about Delly bringing out bad in anyone. I quickly turn to her, giving her my most sincere 'thank-you' before turning back to Haymitch. "So how are we doing this?"


	8. Chapter 8

Hey readers! A Massive thank-you to everyone sticking with the story, and hello to any new readers! I've had a lot of repeat reviews off people lately which is amazing, it's so good to see people enjoy the story chapter after chapter!

A massive thank-you to my beta reader **ct522** who did am amazing job as per, as always I highly recommend her work! This chapter honestly had a lot of input from her, so credit to her!

A big shout out to people who reviewed the last chapter! **Kitkatlogan, silverghost105 and destined627**! You're opinions mean so much and every comment helps the story!

I promise I am a romantic at heart and the next few chapters will hold more Peeta and Katniss scenes!

Disclaimer - all the characters etc belong to Suzanne Collins not myself.

Happy reading!

* * *

Haymitch led me into the observation room next to Peeta's room, Plutarch joined us inside before he introduced to the doctor heading Peeta's recovery.

"Katniss, this is Dr. Aurelius – he's managing Peeta's case, I believe you two may have met before." Plutarch gestured to the man in the corner of the room, who then stepped forward for his introduction. He was an ordinary looking man, apart from the abnormally large thin wired glasses he had balanced on his thin pointed nose. As I studied him I realised I had met him before, during my grief over the loss of Peeta when I'd first arrived in Thirteen. Many people had asked me to speak to the doctor but I hadn't been able to muster the words. After a couple of silent visits, Dr Aurelius had left me alone – obviously sensing that was best for both of us. I nodded towards him, acknowledging I did recognise him, before extending a hand to shake his.

"It's good to see you out and about Katniss," he smiled genuinely, which confused me as we've never actually held a conversation. "This is my assistant, Fern – if ever I'm not able to observe Peeta, she'll certainly be here." He motioned behind me and for the first time I noticed the woman watching a screen with footage of Peeta playing on it. As she turned to face me I recognised her as the woman who had come to my rescue when Peeta had attacked me. Obviously the pair of them had been involved in Peeta's treatment since he'd been in Thirteen.

"So what's happening with Peeta?" I asked, wanting to hurry along events. The one way mirror from our room to Peeta's had not been activated yet and I longed to just get a glimpse of his face. Hopefully even get to see his eyes without the anger that had filled them last time.

"Well, we haven't really delved into details of events with him; we doubt he'll trust us. But we've hinted to him what happened to your district and why he's here. We're just hoping Delly can fill in the gaps for him. Once he's stable and happy we can move on with furthering his treatment." Dr Aurelius explained. He seemed to sense my anxiety and just smiled softly. "Hopefully then we can begin introducing you back into his life."

I tried to contain any emotion I felt, not willing to get my hopes up. These doctors had never dealt with a hijacking before; this was all trial and error. But still I couldn't stop my heart from thudding quickly in my chest at the thought of being reunited with _my _Peeta. Not the Capitol created boy who was in the room next door.

"Right let's get started," Dr Aurelius turned to the observation window and Fern returned her attention to the screen, changing the setting so she's viewing live footage of Peeta's room. I'm about to move over to look at the screen when the observation window was opened, flooding light from Peeta's bright room into the dark observation room.

I can't help but smile at the sight of Peeta and my heart lurches forward like it's the first time I'd seen him. He looked so peaceful, half lying- half sitting on is bed with his eyes closed, but I could tell he's not asleep. I knew exactly what Peeta looked like asleep. He was thinking deeply about something. Before I had chance to ponder what he could be thinking of – Delly slowly walked into the room and into my line of sight.

Peeta reacted slowly to her arrival, his eyes opened and widened slowly before they settled – but it seemed he couldn't place the person who is stood in front of him. As Delly smiles something mustve clicked in Peeta's head and he broke out into a similar smile. "Delly?" he asked cautiously and she nodded eagerly before they both broke into a light laughter. Seeing Peeta's smile was like watching the sun, it lit up the whole room, it even felt as though it could warm my whole body. It had been so long since I'd seen a carefree, happy Peeta – and even the shortest glimpse of that boy was enough to make me smile giddily. "It's really you?" He confirms to which she just beamed further. I could see the relief on her face, and I could feel it too. The hope I had for Peeta's recovery was building with each fragment of a memory he regained.

"How are you feeling?" She asked eagerly, making her way across the room to him before sitting in a chair set up next to his bed.

"Awful," Peeta sighed, running a hand through his hair. "No one will tell me what's going on."

"Well, we're in district Thirteen," Delly began, to which Peeta nodded in understanding – obviously he knew the basics. "There was an accident at home," she continued. I noticed everyone in the observation room tensing around me; it must've been left to Delly to fill Peeta in on the details of what happened to our district. "It was bad, Peeta, no one could stay – that's why we're all here."

"What happened to my family?" Peeta butted in, my heart suddenly felt like it had stopped. I wanted to run into the room and hold his hand, I felt like I was all he had left. But even that had been taken from him now.

"A lot of people didn't make it out of Twelve," Delly had started to tear up and struggled to form a complete sentence. Peeta's face dropped, but it was as though he had already expected the news – why else would they have not seen him? I felt my eyes begin to burn and I furiously blinked away the tears, I would be strong for Peeta – even if he didn't know I was there for him.

"It burned down did it?" Peeta asked suddenly, I could see his eyes clouding over, like a memory which had been buried in his mind was making its way through. "Twelve burned down because of Katniss," his eyes had grown angry but his tone betrayed him as confusion laced through it.

"No, no Peeta, it wasn't her fault." Delly reached over to Peeta, holding his arms tight. I saw Dr Aurelius tense in the corner of my eye, but my gut instinct told me she was making the right move.

"She's a mutt Delly, she tried to kill me! She's already killed my family!" Peeta cried, he tried to break free of Delly's grasp but she held firm to keep him seated on the bed.

"No Peeta, they are all lies. It's the Capitol who did that to your family, not Katniss. She'd never hurt you." Delly was crying even more furiously and Peeta had begun writhing in her grasp.

"Get her out of there," Dr Aurelius chirped up, before he Fern dashed out the room. Within seconds Fern had moved Delly away from Peeta while Dr Aurelius moved to push Peeta's hands into the restrains on the arms of the bed.

I watched as Peeta struggled against the restraints, I could tell they were just making him worse, he needed to be talked to – and someone to tell him what was right. Haymitch placed a hand on my shoulder, keeping me in place as if he'd sensed my urge to be at Peeta's side before I had noticed it myself.

"We'll get him past this sweetheart," I looked up at Haymitch but his eyes were focused entirely on Peeta thrashing about in the other room.

"How can I help?" I almost whispered - Haymitch just shook his head in reply.

"Be patient," he stated simply. I returned my attention to Peeta as he began to calm down, but the fury was still present in his eyes. His beautiful blue eyes had now been transformed into those black orbs. My heart ached, but anger began to pulse through me. The Capitol would pay for what they had done.

"Send me to one of the districts." I blurted out before I even thought about what I was saying, but once it was out I wasn't willing to take it back. "I need to do something to help." Haymitch paused for a moment before nodding sternly. Without any more words we took our cue to leave, I took one last painful glance at Peeta before the observation window blacked out.

* * *

Over the next few days Haymitch managed to speak with President Coin and it was agreed I would go to District Two. My mother and Prim hadn't been at all happy with the arrangement but they soon realised it was for the best. A camera crew would be taken with us to film 'the Mockingjay' in action in order to use it in promos which I had currently been absent from. Plutarch was delighted with the idea and it was soon arranged that I would be sent in the same crew as Gale. I was both nervous and glad for this, Gale and I hadn't spoken since our argument about Peeta – but it was a relief to know I wouldn't be out there on my own.

I hadn't been allowed to see Peeta again since his episode. Haymitch had filled me in on his treatment, so far they had been showing him real footage from the Games to reinforce any memories he may have had stored in his mind. Delly had also been allowed to continue to visit him as he often looked to her for confirmation on events. He couldn't fully trust the doctors – in his eyes they had kept him locked in a room for weeks within walking distance of the girl who was trying to kill him. I had barely been able to think of little else than the hatred I'd seen in Peeta eyes, my stomach twisted in agony every time I imagined the beautiful blue irises changing to hollow black orbs. I felt like I was slowly losing my boy with the bread, all my memories of him being replaced with new ones of the Capitol made boy who had come back to us. I spent my days mindlessly following the schedule printed on my arm, and any free time was spent in my cabin trying to relive memories of any of the times Peeta and I had spent together. All the kind words he'd ever said to me which I may not hear again. I'd even begun writing down things he'd said in the past – so I would always have proof he'd actually said them. I'd rooted through my draws and found Peeta's pearl – I hadn't allowed myself to touch it during his absence, but now I needed its comfort more than ever. The cool surface of the pearl felt like bliss against my lips, touching the pearl was as close as I was going to get to touching Peeta and it would always be a reminder of the gentle boy who had given it to me. It wasn't until Gale came to my cabin one evening that I snapped out of my trance. I had been lying on the bed clutching the pearl in my hands when he knocked the door.

"Why are you here?" Was all I simply said when answering the door, I had stuffed the pearl in my pocket – unwilling to share it with anyone. Gale just sighed and rested his hand on the doorframe.

"Coin's organised a midnight meeting to brief us all on the mission in District Two, I just thought it'd be good to clear the air before we left." He explained, looking into my eyes with such hope than I soon gave in and nodded in acceptance.

Gale led us both through the District and outside into the open world. Immediately my body caved the gentle breeze of the wind. Instantly I wanted to run through the grass into the nearby forests and re-join nature. It had been so long since I had even experienced the outside world that I had begun to forget how it felt. The sun was warm on my skin and my nose was teased by the smell of the grass as it moved in the wind. I was immediately grateful to Gale for bringing me out here, even after our arguments he knew what I needed. Gale found the remains of a fallen tree just on the outskirts of the forest and sat on the grass next to it – his back leaning against the bark. He gestured for me to sit next to him and I gladly agreed. Sitting there with him almost felt like home, and it was the most carefree I'd felt in a long time.

"You should come up here more Katniss," Gale broke the silence, refusing to catch my eye as he spoke and instead focusing on moving the grass in-between his fingers.

"It wouldn't feel right," I muttered, no matter how nice it felt to be free I didn't deserve it. Everyone was fighting a war which I was the main figure for – I needed to become more involved. Sitting here enjoying myself was not a pro-active was to spend the time. Gale just sighed heavily in response; he knew too that things could not be the same. We had too many worries to pretend that things had not changed, not just in the context of the war – but between ourselves.

"I'm sorry Catnip," Gale forced himself to meet my eyes. "I know I hurt you, and you will probably never forgive me. But we can't get through this war without each other." I didn't really know whether Gale was still trying to achieve more than a friendship, but I knew he was right on the basis that I would be miserable without my best friend. I was losing Peeta in front of my eyes; I couldn't throw away my best friend too.

"I know," I whispered before taking his hand in mine. "I need you to accept that Peeta is part of my life now, I will do everything I can to get him back."

Gale tensed at the mention of Peeta but I saw him take a deep inhale of breath, obviously to calm himself. "Why do you want him back so much Katniss? Why does it matter to you?" He wasn't accusing me, but seemed genuinely confused as to my motives.

"He's my friend," I answered automatically because I didn't really understand myself why I needed Peeta so much. I hadn't needed him before the Games, I'd ignored him before the Quarter Quell – but now I knew I'd never hear him say he loved me again it tore my heart apart. I turned away from Gale as tears formed in my eyes and gazed out into the horizon – it was then I noticed that sunset had begun. The beautiful orange which would always remind me of Peeta had begun to fill the sky and I closed my eyes, only for a moment so I could truly feel my skin being bathed in the suns orange rays. Tears were falling down my face once I opened my eyes but I refused to blink them away and waste anymore of the glorious sunset in front of me. I could feel Gale looking at me questioningly, "orange at sunset," I murmured quietly – to which Gale only stared further. "It's Peeta's favourite colour." I felt my throat close at the mention of his name and I forced back the sobs threatening to erupt from my throat. I'd have done anything to have Peeta up here with me at this moment, so he could experience something so beautiful – something which would forever be linked to my boy.

"Do you love him?" Gale asked suddenly, breaking me away from my thoughts. I opened my mouth to answer him – but found I couldn't. The strangest part was that I couldn't say no, I did care for Peeta – but was it love? I had never been able to distinguish my feelings and I wasn't ready to now. Even if I did love Peeta, he wasn't mine to love anymore. Gale seemed to sense my confusion and just smiled sadly. "I hope he comes back to you Katniss, for whatever reason," he stood up and extended an arm out to me to pull me up along with him. "Just know, I'll always be waiting, just like I was after both the Games."

My heart stopped for a moment, "you're my best friend Gale." I squeezed his hand desperately; I needed him now more than ever.

"But nothing more," Gale sighed before forcing a small smile. "I'll always be your friend Katniss, I just need some space." With that he dropped my hand and the two of us walked in silence back towards Thirteen. The worst thing was that although I knew Gale's heart was breaking, I felt as though a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.


	9. Chapter 9

Hello once again readers! And a big welcome to any new readers out there! I hope everyone is enjoying the story

As always a massive thank-you to my beta reader **ct522 **who always does such an amazing job! Her work is amazing, i seriously suggest you all read it :)

Sorry for a bit of a delay with updating! I've been at work loadsss the last week - luckily i've now got practically two weeks off so plenty of writing time to make up for it

A big thank-you to **ct522, kitkatlogan, **and **destined627 **for your reviews on the last chapter. It's great to get feedback, especially positive. I love to hear what you guys think and if you have any suggestions - i'm always looking for ways to improve my writing

Disclaimer - all the characters etc belong to Suzanne Collins not myself.

Happy reading!

* * *

District Two is a large district, now responsible for the housing and training of Peacekeepers. At the centre of the district is a mountain that houses the heart of the Capitol's military – 'the Nut' as it's nicknamed. That was our target, even though it was practically impenetrable. During our brief it was decided I was to visit this District first with a small team to tape propos and visit the wounded to build up general morale on the rebel side. President Coin had decided I needed to be more involved in the action, which suited me fine as I was afraid if I stayed in Thirteen any longer I would lose my mind over grief and confusion. Once I had spent some time in the District we would be joined by another team – including Gale and Beetee, who would strategize with the District Two rebels on what action would be taken to take the Nut.

After it was decided I would leave for District 2 in two days I was sent alone to my cabin whilst the others continued their planning in detail. It infuriated me that I was still kept in the dark, but I had reached a level of exhaustion that I could not fight against once reaching my bed. Since Peeta's arrival in the District I'd felt constantly tired, like my worry and constant thinking of him was draining me. Every action I took – or anything anyone said to me, I could somehow relate back to him. I'd relay memories of his reaction to things that made him happy or sad, and fit them into conversations like he was there with me. I was getting desperate. I needed to see him, not the Capitol created boy which had been presented to me, but my Peeta – the one who always knew the right thing to say, who I'd taken advantage of day after day but he'd always return to me. Would he ever return to me now?

Those thoughts plagued me until I fell to sleep, and then my dreams were laced with nightmares of Peeta's torture. I was glad when morning finally arrived, along with a loud knock on our cabin door. I quickly ushered my mother and Prim back to sleep before hurrying to the door – grateful to whoever it was for freeing me from my nightmares.

When I opened the door Haymitch eyed me up and down before huffing at my appearance. "I hope you plan to clean up today," he muttered, earning a loud scoff from me. He was one to talk, his clothes usually looked like they'd been slept in and his hair tousled messily over his eyes.

"I was asleep," I explain, staring at him curiously, "what does it matter to you anyway? I don't have anything to do anytime soon." I cross my arms over my chest stubbornly, earning a quick chuckle from Haymitch.

"Well you're in for a surprise," he shakes his head – more to himself, before raising a hip flask from his pocket and taking a long swig – only lengthening the time I had to wait for him to tell me his reason for being here. I cleared my throat loudly, already losing my patience with him. "Peeta's asked to see you before you leave for District Two." He finally answered, smirking as he did so.

It takes a moment for me to process what he's said. Surely if Peeta actually wanted to be within ten feet of me it meant some progress. For Haymitch to present it as a possibility only increased my hopes. As much as I annoyed the man, he'd never put me in harm's way without reason. "Is it safe?" I asked, instantly feeling ridiculous. I'd have never thought Peeta would be a threat to me, but I guess things have changed.

"I've seen him a couple of times and he's been alright, he got angry with me. But all for the right reasons," Haymitch shrugs; I knew he blamed himself for keeping Peeta in the dark about the rebels – which led to his capture during the Quarter Quell. But I saw now that it was a risk that had to needed to be taken, no matter how much I disagreed with it. "Delly's been with him almost every day and he's been shown footage of the two of you almost none stop. We've been very intense with him – it's the only way." I felt a pang of jealously that people have been able to spend time with Peeta yet I've been kept away from him. There seemed to be an ever stretching expanse of time between me and Peeta being truly reunited. With that I knew I had to see him.

* * *

As I waited outside Peeta's hospital room I found an unsettling feeling of anxiety filling my stomach. I didn't know what Peeta I would find behind the door. Would he be happy to see me? Or had he asked for me only to throw accusations my way? I'd been given a headpiece by Haymitch as himself and the doctors were all watching from the observation room. Once I was given the OK from Haymitch, I slowly opened the door.

Peeta's eyes lock on me instantly, and I immediately notice a change in them. They're softer than when he first arrived and the beautiful blue of them shine brighter than before. They seem less angry, but still cautious. This emotion seems to radiate through his whole body, like he could be afraid of me – I found the thought impossible at first, but then again the Capitol had made him believe I was a deceitful murderer who had plotted against him the whole time. I slowly make my way over to the bed as not to startle him, judging his reaction as I do so. When I'm about a metre from his bed and he still hasn't made a move to lunge at me, I muster up the courage to speak.

"Hey," It's the only thing I could think of saying, no matter how pathetic.

"Hey." He responds, his voice was almost the same as I remember and it felt so nice to have him actually speaking to me. When he said nothing else I forced myself to further the conversation.

"Haymitch said you wanted to see me." I probed, not willing to give up on the conversation, strangely this was the most we'd spoke in months.

"I wanted to look at you," Peeta replied, which confused me at first. Last time I saw him the mere sight of me had started a fit of rage. He stared at me for such a long time I almost said something else but he cut me off. "I've been watching a lot of the videos from the Games. I wanted to see if you really are that girl."

"I am Peeta," I urged, taking a step towards the bed. "I'll do anything to help you see that."

"We loved each other?" He asked, but he didn't seem convinced.

"You loved me," I answer truthfully, trying to ignore the slight pang of hurt I felt having to use the past tense of the word. I had taken Peeta's love for granted, and now it was gone.

Peeta nodded sadly, like he knew that would be the answer. "Haymitch told me about your ploy for the cameras." I tried to interject to defend myself but nothing came out. What I'd done was hurtful, but I really did care about Peeta – now more than ever. "You're with Gale now, right?" His eyes narrowed as he asked me and I felt as though my heart had stopped – there was no way to explain it to Peeta.

"I'm not anymore," I answered truthfully, knowing lying to Peeta would only cause hurt further down the line.

"But you were," he probed.

"Yes," I sighed and found myself unable to meet his eyes. "I thought you were dead," I tried to explain.

"You obviously mourned me for long," I could hear the same malice in his voice as before. Haymitch began chirping in my ear to neutralise the situation.

"It wasn't like that," I tried again, tears forming in my eyes. "I was on my own; if I'd have known you were alive I'd have never stopped trying to find you."

"Why?" Peeta asked, it was such a simple question but filled with so many implications.

"Because that's what you and I do Peeta, we protect each other." I saw a spark of recognition over Peeta's eyes and he seemed to calm again.

"I was going to give my life for you." Peeta says slowly, as if trying to conclude with himself that it was true. I nod eagerly, a small smile even playing on my lips.

"Me too Peeta," I whisper.

"I wish I could believe you that easily." Peeta sighed, running a hand through his hair roughly.

"I wish you could too. I miss you," I admitted, staring deep into his eyes, willing him to believe what I was saying.

"Why?" he asked the simple, yet most confusing question again. The truth was I didn't know why, I just couldn't live without him. That was evident by my almost comatose state after the Quarter Quell.

"You're my friend Peeta, even if you can't remember that I will always care about you. I'd still give my life for you."

"How do I know you're not lying again," I could hear the sadness in Peeta's voice, like he was remembering the pain he'd felt after the first Games when he found out I had been pretending to love him. The memory itself hurt me; I couldn't imagine what it would make him think of me. "You should probably go," he sighed, his eyes fell into his lap and his shoulders slumped, "Don't you have to prepare to leave for Two?"

I felt tears welling in my eyes at his sudden dismissal, it felt like being back at square one. I just nodded and silently made my way for the door, until Peeta called to me.

"Katniss," he had said it so quietly I thought I'd imagined it; I turned to him slowly and found he was looking at me again. "Stay safe."

* * *

Once I arrived in District Two I found I was treated with much more respect than in Thirteen. The first few days of my visit were uneventful, with me just carrying out my duties delegated by Coin – to shoot propos and visit the rebels. Boggs had come with me as protection, but I suspected it was just a way for Coin to keep an eye on me. However, district Two's commander – Lyme, soon invited me to the war meetings they held there, it was much freer in Two with no schedules and no Coin breathing down my neck. Still, I found myself missing people terribly, it was becoming more and more frequent that the person who occupied my thoughts the most was Peeta. I hadn't been allowed to see him again before I left as it had been decided I would only see him if he requested me. Haymitch had been filling me in on any progress Peeta made while I was away – no matter how big or small, he obviously could tell I couldn't get the boy off my mind. I convinced myself it was purely out of worry that without my there Peeta's recovery would result in him forgetting the friendship we had.

As originally, a week after my arrival in the district another team arrived so they could discuss what action would be taken against the Nut. I had been immediately glad to see Gale but any encounters between us were kept brief so he could continue making plans with Beetee, I also knew he was avoiding me after our talk back in Thirteen.

Bright and early one morning, we were all gathered to discuss the problem of the Nut. I could tell I was invited along more out of courtesy but I planned to make my opinions heard – and hopefully get myself involved in the action. The meeting involved hours of fruitless debate, during which many people's ideas were turned down as they were too risky. I couldn't blame Lyme for being cautious; she'd already lost many men trying to take the fortress. We'd all lost too many people; we couldn't just run into things anymore – especially when the Capitol was gaining information on the rebel side every day.

"What if we just disable the Nut?" Gale suddenly piped up after hours of silent contemplation. Lyme looked at him with a tired expression, but he continued anyway, "there are avalanche paths all across the mountain," Gale said, pointing animatedly out the window at the mountain ahead. "What if we cause an explosion which would trigger the avalanches and as a result block the entrances?"

Everyone was quiet for a moment, I could see a calculating look on Beetee's face as he thought over Gale's plan before he nodded slowly – giving it the thumbs up on a scientific point.

"You risk killing everyone inside." Boggs pointed out, showing Lyme the blueprints to the mountain. She muttered something under her breath but it was obvious she agreed with him.

"People can still escape through the train tunnel to the square." Beetee suggested. Lyme seemed more pleased with this idea until Gale interrupted the discussion in the room.

"Not if we blow it up." He says it so bluntly, I can't tell if he's truly serious. It's then that everyone in the room understood his true intent. Gale didn't plan on saving anyone's life in there – it was going to be one of his death traps.

"Gale!" I hissed, to which he just held a hand up to me. Did he not understand what he was suggesting?

"I'm sure they didn't think twice when they blew up Twelve." He replied bluntly. I ignored the stabbing pain in my heart at the thought. No matter what we'd been through, could I really manage the guilt of having more deaths on my conscience? I looked Gale dead in the eyes, when had he become so angry? Sure, as a boy he'd always blurted out obscenities about the Capitol – but I'd have never thought he'd one day mean it to such an extent.

Eventually it was suggested that the only way to disable the Nut would be to cause the avalanches, however the train tunnel would be left intact – only with heavily armed soldiers waiting at the other end. I agree heartily with this idea before I am quickly escorted from the room, obviously no one trusted me to behave myself and not get involved in the action if I knew the plan. By evening I was suited up in my Mockingjay outfit, I would go along with the others to shoot footage, but that was the extent of my involvement. This infuriated me to no end, how was I to make Snow pay for his actions if I was never allowed to do anything. I made myself accept this was the best I would get for now and instead focused on making sure we got the best footage possible.

Gale's plan exceeded everyone's expectations and the great mountain succumbs under the avalanches. I found myself unable to even watch the devastation; it was too much like what to what had happened to my father. What made this so different? These people were just like our rebels, fighting for a cause they thought was right. I realised I had to toughen up, especially when the cameras were focused on me. Eventually I was taken to the square where any survivors had managed to climb out to. Fighting had been going on there for hours, and the only way to stop it would have been to make them surrender. Who better than the face of the war?

Haymitch fed the speech to me line by line, usually I'd have hated public speaking, but people's lives were at risk. It was during the speech that I really wished Peeta was by my side. He'd know exactly what to say, how to make people understand that we were not all enemies – the enemy was Snow and what he had done to our people, our _children_. I could imagine his flowing speech capturing everyone's attention and the Capitol soldiers putting down their arms. But that was the old Peeta; this Peeta would probably turn on the rebels and order the Capitol's men to fight until we were all dead. The thought made me feel sick, and that only fueled my anger at Snow further.

It during my speech that my hatred of Snow really boils over, I watched men fighting each other who should be sticking together to help their people. Instead district Two has become dependent on a single man's orders. It's when our men have their guns pointed at an injured Capitol soldier that I realise the opportunity I had. I made my way over to the man, blocking him from their fire. It doesn't matter that he could shoot me at any moment – what mattered was that people started to understand the real tragedy of this war. I knew cameras were focused on me and probably airing all across Panem. If I was going to show Snow what I was made of, this was the time to start.

"Give me one good reason I shouldn't kill you," the man managed to muster. The hatred in his voice hit me hard. It was strange to think in some people's eyes I was the bad guy. I was the reason a war had started by rebelling against the law. I had to prove them wrong, for myself, for the rebels, for Peeta.

"I can't" I cried, exasperated. "There is no reason, you burnt down our district, and we blew up your mine. It's all reckless violence. All because of one man, we're all slaves to him!"

"I'm no slave," he answers sternly, his eyes narrowing on me.

"Well I am," I blurted out, noticing how his expression changed to confusion. "That's why I killed people in the Games; it's why they tried to kill me. It's why we're fighting now. Nobody wins in the end; it's just more and more death. The only winners are the Capitol." I heard a few jeers from the crowd. "I'm tired of being a part in their games!" When I say this I remember the blonde baker's boy who had said something similar to me before our first Games. I'd thought him ridiculous at the time; it was only now I truly understood him. Peeta never would be a part of their games because he would always fight them. That's what we all had to do. I hoped with all my might that he got to watch this, and maybe remember the words he had said to me – just to prove to him that he'd managed to completely change my view on everything.

"We're not all enemies; I'm not your enemy. Snow is your enemy, he killed your children and now he is killing us in this war" I brave looking away from the man and try to gather support round the square. "Please, join us, together we can make peace in Panem, start a new life without fear" I reach out my hands to everyone listening. I could almost hear Plutarch's praise at the footage he was getting. Only instead of the happy ending you would hope to get, no one joins me. Instead as I look up at the large televisions airing my speech, instead of seeing a woman flooded with appraisal, I see myself get shot on-screen.


	10. Chapter 10

Hey readers, both old and new! Hope you're all enjoying the story!

As always, a massive thank you to my beta reader **ct522** who was amazing with this chapter- as usual!

A big thank you to **rhianon, kitkatlogan **and **The Lady Osipria **for the reviews! I love hearing that you guys are enjoying the story! As always, any comments you guys have are appreciated greatly, I'm always open to ways to improve the story, and of course its always amazing to hear when people enjoy it.

I hope you're all seeing where i'm going with Peeta and Katniss, as I hope you've noticed - Peeta is _much _less hijacked than in the book.

Disclaimer - all the characters etc belong to Suzanne Collins not myself.

Happy reading!

* * *

In the haze of morphling I encountered many memories of people leading up to the war. Gale coming to see me before I left for my first Games, Finnick saving Peeta's life in the Quarter Quell, Johanna's cries to me in the hospital ward. I also encountered some happier memories with Peeta; the nights we'd spent together on the train, when he'd stayed with me after I'd injured my heel back in District Twelve. I remembered that he'd whispered something to me, something that I'd never been able to catch and was now haunting my dream. It was as though I knew the word, buried somewhere in my sub-consciousness but I couldn't quite bring it to the forefront of my mind.

As I began to surface through the fog of memories and back into the sterile hospital room I realised I'd been brought back to District Thirteen. I barely have time to adjust to my surroundings before the curtain surrounding my bed is whipped back revealing Johanna.

"I thought I heard you wake up," she smirked before closing the curtain behind her. "The doctors don't know you're awake yet. I insisted on having the bed next to yours, and who's going to argue with me really." She laughed curtly before taking a seat on the end of my bed.

"Why would you want to have the bed next to mine?" I asked suspiciously, I knew there had to be a reason, although Johanna was much more pleasant to me these days – she probably still wouldn't have thought of me as a close friend. With an expert hand she quickly detaches the morphling drip from my arm and plugs it into the socket attached to hers.

"They've been cutting down my supply," she shrugged and I just rolled my eyes in response.

"So that's why I've suddenly gained a new best friend." I muttered sarcastically, Johanna smirked for a moment in response before her expression dulled slightly.

"When you have memories like I do, slipping into a morphling coma is the only way to cope." She responds, matter-of-factly. I cringed slightly, remembering how she'd described her memories of Peeta's cries in the cell next to hers. If I had to listen to that every night I'd probably plug ten morphling drips into my arms. "Besides, Katniss," Johanna piped up, interrupting my thoughts, "it's not the only reason. I was actually concerned."

I frowned at her, finding that hard to believe. Things between Johanna and I had always been a bit cold and hostile. "Why would you be concerned? You've always hated me."

Johanna erupted into a full blown belly laugh at this. "Oh Katniss, you really don't know me do you. I don't hate you, I just found you a bit hard to swallow at first." I looked at her questioningly and she just made a noise of exasperation. "Well can you blame me, with your tacky romantic drama and your defender-of-the-helpless act."

"Then what made you change your mind?" I asked, as far as I knew nothing could have changed to make her develop a new opinion of me.

"It wasn't an act, though, was it; you do want to help people?" She looked me in the eye and smiled lightly. "Plus I always thought you were just playing Peeta – which I hated since I actually think he's a nice guy. But then you came to see me in the hospital, and I saw the look in your eyes. You do actually care."

After she's finished I find there are no words to say. Of course I cared about the war, and Peeta. But the way she said it insinuated that it wasn't that I just cared about what happened to Peeta, it was that there was something more – and I knew I couldn't argue with her as Johanna would see straight through me.

"Speaking of Peeta," Johanna suddenly jumped up off the bed and detached the morphling from her arm. "He's just outside that curtain," she motioned her head towards the split in the curtain where she'd entered before winking exaggeratedly at me.

I felt my body involuntarily tense at this, if Johanna was telling the truth the boy who wanted me dead was only separated from me by a sheet of cloth. Strangely at the same time my heart seemed to summersault, of course I wanted to see him. I'd thought of him so much during my time in District Two, I just wanted to look into those blue eyes and see if he was coming back to me.

"He's been waiting to see you," she added, seeming to get impatient at my lack of enthusiasm. "He's even been putting up with my company so he can stay by you. He's been here all day; he was convinced you were going to wake up."

"Should he be here?" I murmured, unable to detach my eyes from the crack in the curtains – if I could just get a glimpse of him.

"Probably not," Johanna laughed loudly. "But I think Dr Aurelius likes to bend the rules for Peeta a bit, plus Haymitch is here too." I instantly feel safer knowing Haymitch was around. He may be a drunk but I knew he could throw his weight around if Peeta did attack me again.

"Well, is he going to come in?" I ask hesitantly, not understanding the delay.

"Oh yeah" Johanna waved a hand at me, "I just insisted I had to come in first or he couldn't see you." She chuckled again before darting through the curtains.

The moments before Peeta walked through the curtain seemed to drag like everything had begun to move in slow motion. My heart begun hammering in my chest and I was pretty sure anyone within a ten mile radius would be able to hear its juddering rhythm. I had to work hard to control my breathing as it came in loud gasps every time I tried to calm myself. I couldn't tell if this anxiety was due to fear of Peeta, or the excitement of seeing any progress he could have made. After what felt like a life time a mop of blonde hair appeared through the curtain. I saw Peeta's head quickly dart around my small enclosure before the rest of him followed into the room. For a moment he stood looking at the ground with his hands stuffed deep in his pockets. He was swaying side to side and looked almost nervous; I'd never seen Peeta nervous. He'd always been so confident, it was one of the things I found most endearing about him. I suddenly noticed his hands were shaking in his pockets and from the protruding veins in his arms – I could tell he had his fists clenches tightly. It was then I realised it wasn't nerves he was feeling, it was a mixture of anxiety and anger – the same emotions brought on by his episodes. I wanted to call his name but I was afraid to startle him so instead I left him for moment to calm himself, giving him the chance to prove he could manage to be around me.

Slowly he seemed to come round before he let out a loud sigh. I was rewarded for my patience when he finally lifted his head and those bright blue eyes met mine. They were so much brighter than before and no longer seemed as plagued by the black orbs which had ruled them. Peeta himself looked healthier, he had more colour in his cheeks and his hair seemed to have thickened out slightly. The cuts which had covered his body before had healed considerably and the only noticeable marks were any scars which he had gained during his time in the Quarter Quell and the Capitol. Peeta's eyes searched me for a long time before a small smile formed on his lips, it was barely noticeable but my heart skipped a beat. It had been so long since I'd seen him smile at me. His whole face was much softer than before and I felt I could burst out into tears out of sheer happiness that Peeta was in fact coming back to me – no matter how long it could take.

"Hey," Peeta managed to muster the courage to break the silence and I felt a warm spread across my whole body. The way he said it was so casual, no hidden agendas or malice in his voice.

"Hi," I replied, feeling a smile creep over my lips, the expression felt foreign to me and I realised it had been such a long time since I had smiled so genuinely. "What are you doing here?" I asked, curiosity getting the best of me. Before I left District Thirteen I'd been under strict orders to stay away from Peeta unless he asked for me, and he only had once. Now he was voluntarily standing beside my hospital bed.

"I told you to stay safe," he answered simply, but I felt the concern behind his voice. He slowly began to make his way towards my bedside.

"Well, I never was very good at listening to you." I joked, to which I even earned a small chuckle from him.

"I do remember that about you," he spoke softly as if he was drifting into thought. For a moment I had almost forgotten that Peeta's real memories of me were very few and far between. The thought dampened my mood slightly, would we ever get a real reunion?

"How have you been?" I asked, wanting to know from his point of view how his progress was going.

"It's weird hearing you say that," he sighed and I looked at him for an explanation, "that you'd ask about me, when you're in hospital. That's nothing like how the Capitol portrayed you to me."

"Well the Capitol doesn't really like me very much," I answered light heartedly, trying not to let Peeta's suspicions of me darken our conversation. "I thought about you all the time while I was away, I wanted to know how you were doing."

"I thought about you too, well I didn't really have a choice with all the videos I was shown of you." He laughed lightly before he moved on to tell me about what footage they'd shown him and conversations him and Delly had had about life before the Games. "The only problem is that sometimes when I have some memories about you, nobody knows the answer." He sighed, and I instantly felt guilty for leaving.

"Well, you can always ask me. I won't leave you again, not if you need me." As soon as I said it I knew I'd keep to my promise. Now I'd been shown there was promise for Peeta, I wasn't going to force myself away from him.

"Why did you go?" He looked genuinely intrigued; obviously I'd been sending him mixed signals about how involved I wanted to be in his recovery.

"Truthfully, I didn't think you wanted me around. The only way I could think to help you was to make Snow pay for what he's done. I won't give up until that man gets what he deserves." Peeta looked at me expressionless as I spoke. It killed me to see him so undecided on what side he was on. The old Peeta would have done anything to fight against the Capitol, and in his own way he'd already rebelled against them. This Peeta had no fight left in him.

Peeta seemed as though he was about to say something else until we were interrupted by voices the other side of the Curtain.

"You shouldn't go in there," I could tell from the gruff tone it was Haymitch.

"I can do what I like old man, she's my friend." Before I had chance to react Gale burst through the curtain. Judging by Peeta's expression, his arrival had taken him by surprise. "What are you doing here?" Gale asked staring directly at Peeta.

"Gale its fine," I interjected, noticing Peeta's face seemed to have drained of all colour and he had clenched his fists tightly.

"He could hurt you again Katniss!" He cried, moving to step in between us. I shot up on the bed as far as I could, holding out a hand to keep Gale away from Peeta.

"You'll only make him worse," I explained before directing my attention back to Peeta. "Are you alright?" I asked. His whole body had tensed and his arms were shaking violently. I realised he was on the edge of having an episode and I needed to act fast if I was going to bring him back. I quickly took one of his clenched fists in my hand and held it tight. "Peeta, its okay I'm here. No one is going to hurt you, it's not real." I reeled off as many calming things that I could think of as I traced small circles on the back of his hand with my thumb. I moved closer to him so there was barely any distance between us, I heard an objection from Gale but ignored him. "Stay with me," I whispered.

Peeta's shaking suddenly started to subside and he closed his eyes as if trying to focus on something within his mind. He began to take deep breaths and his whole body became slack. Gale suddenly rushed forward to catch Peeta as he lost his footing. Peeta slowly opened his eyes to look at me; they weren't as bright as before and seemed to have lost the energy within them.

"Always," he whispered back. I stared at him for a moment not quite understanding what he was saying until the memory rushed back to me. It was the answer to the dream I had been having, the promise Peeta had made to me back when I'd been bed ridden in District Twelve.

"You remember," I murmured, hoping that it hadn't just been a coincidence. Gale was staring between us both perplexed as he helped Peeta steady his feet.

"You hurt your foot, "he looked at me for confirmation and I nodded eagerly.

"You promised to stay with me, always." I added hastily, wanting him to remember his promise. He smiled sadly at me before his body began to sag again.

"Katniss, I need to take him back to his room." Gale interjected, "he's lost all his energy during that episode." He called Haymitch as he slung one of Peeta's arms over his neck, before helping Haymitch to do the same with Peeta's other arm. I stared after them as Peeta was dragged away from me, instantly feeling empty after they left. I felt a longing for Peeta's company even worse than before, I'd been shown a glimpse of the old Peeta and now I just craved him more than ever. I was going to do anything I could to help get my baker's boy back.

* * *

I was kept in the hospital under observation for two more days. I almost had to contain my excitement when I was finally discharged. Those couple of days had been full of emptiness and agony. My only companion was Johanna when she nipped through our dividing curtain, even if it was only to help herself to some of my morphling supply. Even though I needed it myself to subdue the pain I still allowed her to help herself, after what she'd done for me in the Quarter Quell and how she'd helped me find Peeta – I felt I owed her. I hadn't seen Peeta since I'd first woken in the hospital. Haymitch had been to visit me one of the days and explained that after it was revealed Peeta had an episode out of the doctor's care his movements were heavily monitored. I felt guilty for his lockdown, but there was nothing I could do about it whilst stuck in a hospital bed.

Before leaving the hospital ward I popped through the curtain to say goodbye to Johanna- and to sneak her the remainder of my morphling bag which I had detached and hidden before the nurses came to discharge me. When I popped my head through the curtain I noticed she already had company – Finnick was sat next to her happily talking her head off about something. I quickly said hello to the two of them before handing Johanna the bag, she had taken the bag from me with greedy hands before stuffing it under her pillow.

"Thanks Katniss," her eyes glinted with excitement; Johanna would feed off any kind of rebellion that was handed to her.

"Don't mention it," I shrugged off her thanks before gathering my things and stuffing them into a bag I'd been brought to take my belongings back to my cabin. I then redirected my attention to Finnick, I hadn't spoken to him since my search for Peeta and I felt a bit guilty for it. "How've you been Finnick?" I asked him.

He beamed up at me. " Actually, I have some news. I've already told Johanna and I was going to come over to your bed in a minute." From the enormous smile on his face I could tell it was something he was excited about. "Anne and I are getting married."

"Finnick, that's amazing," I smiled genuinely at him. I'd never been one to get overly excited about weddings, but I knew how much Annie meant to Finnick – and considering weeks ago he'd been trapped in the hospital ward going insane because she was missing. It was nice to see that people could make it through this war. "I'm really happy for you guys."

"Thanks Katniss," Finnick nodded towards me, ignoring Johanna as she made some over dramatic gagging noise at all the niceness. "Anyway, I'm not the only one with good news. I've heard about Peeta's progress." Finnick smirked at me, once again making the link between him and Annie, and me and Peeta – like our relationships were the same. I just rolled my eyes at him.

"He's been doing well yes; he's actually been visiting Johanna quite a lot as well." I added, trying to downplay anything Finnick was insinuating. Now it was Johanna's turn to roll her eyes.

"Speaking of Peeta actually, I've been thinking of asking him to do the wedding cake. I know he's a good baker, and I figured it might help him return to some kind of normal routine." Finnick looked at me, as if for approval.

"That's a great idea," I nodded eagerly. I knew how Peeta loved to bake; it was the thing which had always defined him. While he was in district Thirteen it was like he had been missing something which wouldn't allow his memories to connect. Hopefully introducing him to something he'd loved before would help stir older memories. Suddenly I felt I wanted to help with the wedding, it was something to look forward to, and maybe an occasion for Peeta to come out and socialise with people. "Finnick, does Annie have a dress?" I asked.

"Well, that's a problem we've come across actually. They do have some dresses here which have been shown to Annie, but to be honest they're too plain for her." He sighed sadly; obviously the perfect turn of events would be the two of them having their wedding back in their home district, with their own traditions. "Plus Plutarch's been hinting that the wedding's going to be filmed and he wants something a bit more flamboyant. Why what were you thinking?"

"I have all those dresses Cinna made me," I sighed deeply, thinking of my stylist – who had become such a close friend and life line. "I never even got chance to wear some of them. If Cinna can't be here to enjoy the day himself, his work should make an appearance."

"I think Annie would really like that; during your first Games Annie had just loved his work." Finnick gave me a small smile, obviously realising my pain at the mention of my lost friend.

"Looks like I'll be making a visit back to Twelve then." I gave Finnick my most convincing smile. As much as I wanted to go back and see what Twelve was like now, the thought of it filled me with dread. All the destruction there could be traced back to my actions. But I had to face it; otherwise I'd never get closure.


	11. Chapter 11

Hey readers, welcome back! Hope you all enjoy this chapter

as always, starting off with a massive thank-you to my beta reader **ct522 **who made some great suggestions this chapter!

And of course a big thank-you to those who reviewed; **destined627 **and **kitkatlogan**. I didn't get as many reviews this chapter, I hope this wasn't a reflection of the writing lol. As always, please feel free to review, it makes my day receiving them!

Disclaimer - all the characters etc belong to Suzanne Collins not myself.

Happy reading!

* * *

"So when do you go to Twelve?" Haymitch asked a few days later. We sat sat in the observation room next to Peeta's hospital room. He was in the middle of watching some footage while Dr Aurelius noted any changes in his vitals – it was all pretty uneventful as Peeta had been quite distant mentally the few days since his last episode. It was hard enough to get a yes or no response from him, let alone set off an episode. It just seemed he didn't have the energy for it.

"Tomorrow I think, Plutarch's made all the plans and wants us to get all the preparations for the wedding done as soon as possible." I shrugged; trying to ignore the niggling feeling that cameras would be around yet again to impose on any happy moments we all had together. I knew I'd probably get featured heavily during the airing of the wedding, but at least I wouldn't have to fake my happiness at the union.

"Didn't you say to Peeta you wouldn't leave again?" Haymitch asked pointedly, smirking when he realised he'd hit a nerve.

"Yes, what's your point?" I asked sharply, already getting irritated.

"Well, you've seen him the lately. Something's obviously hit hard somewhere in his brain. Don't you think you should be around if he wants to talk?" Haymitch took a large swig from the hit flask he seemed to constantly have glued to his hand. I frowned over at him, was he even allowed that in a hospital?

"Actually, I wasn't planning on leaving him." Haymitch scowled at me, obviously thinking this conversation was just going to go round in circles. "I want Peeta to come with me to Twelve."

"You think that's a good idea?" Haymitch scoffed, even laughing lightly. I tried not to let my anger overwhelm me as he did so.

"Don't patronise me Haymitch, I think it'll be good for him. It might help him access some of his old memories." I eyed Haymitch carefully to note any changes in his expression. He seemed to be thinking about the idea but was obviously still skeptical.

"Right, and what happens if he loses it? There's gonna be so many things there that will set him off." Haymitch pointed out and stood up; signally he was getting bored of the conversation. But I wasn't going to give in that easy.

"Well, that's why we'll be with him to calm him down." I answered simply, regaining his attention.

"We?" He asked.

"Oh didn't I mention? You're coming with us." I smirked up at him before getting up and leaving the room.

* * *

As Plutarch had hoped, we were on a hovercraft on the way back to Twelve the following morning. I had managed to get clearance for Peeta to come with us, as long as Haymitch was held responsible for any actions Peeta made. It seemed Dr Aurelius thought the visit would be greatly beneficial for Peeta recovery – and I was starting to think he cared less about rules and regulations and more about progress. He was my kind of guy. However, no matter how lenient he was, it had been insisted that one of the hospitals guards came with us in the case of an emergency. Annie obviously had accompanied us, so she could choose the dress she wanted, and I had managed to convince Plutarch to get clearance for my prep team as I knew I'd be less than useless if Annie needed a second opinion.

On the hovercraft ride I got to truly see the toll of Annie's time in the Games and the Capitol. She often laughed in odd places and lost focus in the middle of a conversation – her eyes venturing off to focus on a spot which she seemed to find fascinating. A couple of times she also clasped her hands over her ears, trying to block out some horrible memory which was making its way back to her. Still I couldn't categorise her as mad like I had so easily done before I met her. Everyone knew Annie as one of the tributes who had lost her mind, but the truth was she was just trying to fight her way back to normality. I'd never understood what it was that made Finnick love her, but I got it now. He could never give up on her, just like I never considered giving up on Peeta – even when he came back from the Capitol a changed man. During the ride to Twelve I had cast many secretive glances at him, mostly to check on how he was coping. He didn't speak much and his eyes had glossed over with tears several times – I couldn't blame him for that, he was going back to the place his parents were killed. But on the whole he just seemed so relieved to finally be out in the open air. One of the times I'd been staring at him he'd caught my eye, I'd just given him a small smile, to which he reciprocated with one of his own.

I'd seen footage of Twelve's demise, but I hadn't visited it since the fire bomb attacks. My heart froze in my chest for a moment as I stepped out of the hovercraft, onto the dusty ground. Only it wasn't just dust, it was ashes – ashes of the District I had grown up in, my home. The district was hardly recognisable. The bombs had easily demolished the coal miner's houses and most of the shops. Even the Justice Building was mostly a wreck. We quickly make our way out of the ruins and towards the Victors Village – which had been spared from the attack. Obviously the Capitol appreciated its own work too much to destroy it. I mistakenly took the main road towards the Victors Village as it is still scattered with the undisturbed remains of those who tried to flee during the bombings. I heard Annie make a small whimper and noticed how she had her hands tightly clasped round her eyes. Haymitch placed a hand on her shoulder and guided her along. It probably wasn't the best idea to dump a group of mentally unstable tributes into the middle of what was practically a cemetery.

Tears began to well in my eyes as I stared at the lifeless remains, it was my entire fault, I'd killed them all. I hastily tried to wipe the tears from my eyes before anyone noticed, but my sleeves were covered in the dust and that only irritated my eyes further. I slowed my pace, allowing everyone to pass me so they could not see my face, as I looked around the district. As I walked. I felt a pang of pain in my chest everytime I saw something I recognised from my old life.

"Katniss?" A low voice interrupted my thoughts, I looked up to see Peeta had spun round from the others and stopped still, waiting for me to catch up to him. His guard had also stopped ahead of his, but Haymitch soon had him turned round and distracted as he pointed out something in the ruins. Peeta's eyes too were rimmed red and his cheeks were wet where a few stray tears had escaped down his cheeks. "Are you alright?" he asked. I hastily nodded, refusing to let my emotions get the better of me, and walked to meet him.

"Are you?" I asked, forcing myself to keep my arms by my side instead of moving to wipe his cheeks dry, or embrace him in a hug as I would have before.

"It's just so hard to take in." He sighed, running a hand through his hair which left his blonde mop streaked with grey dust. "A part of me knows this is all the Capitol's fault, but the rest of me just feels so numb. It wasn't long ago that I was oblivious to the reality that this had happened."

"That's why I wanted you to come," I explained, continuing to walk up the path with Peeta now at my side. "I wanted you to see first-hand what the Capitol has done."

"I know it's their fault, but at the same time there's a niggling voice in my head saying that it's you who caused this." He forced himself to look me in the eye before returning his gaze to the floor. His words stung me; I still found it hard to believe that someone had managed to make Peeta think me capable of any of this. "But then I look at your face." He suddenly added, breaking into my thoughts, "and you're in so much pain. Then I know you couldn't have done it."

We walked the rest of the way to the Victors Village in silence, simply taking in the surroundings. Peeta muttered things to himself as we walked but I left him to take in the district, the last thing he needed was to be suffocated while trying to adjust.

As we reached the Victors Village I noticed the large houses looked even more out of place now they were surrounded only by the ashes of a District. The thought made me shudder slightly, only the Capitol could destroy our home, yet leave the one reminder of our past haunted by the Hunger Games. Even though I had initially hated these houses, seeing my home made my heart lift slightly, living in that house we'd had no worries about the lack food or the cold in winter. Once I was within reach of the Village I quickly jogged up to my house and burst through the door. I noticed everyone lingered behind me as I made my way through the downstairs. I quickly gather a few of our possessions including a photo of my parents on their wedding day and a blue hair ribbon for Prim. I quickly stuff them into my game bag, which was still discarded on the floor after my last outing to the woods, before calling everyone to join me in the house.

I noticed only Annie and my prep team file in, I guessed Haymitch and Peeta had gone to look round their own houses. I couldn't say I blamed them; it had been a long time since any of us had been home. I quickly took Annie up to my closet where Cinna's clothes are kept. As I opened the closet doors we all fell silent for a moment, I swore I heard Octavia sniffle at the sight of the fabrics, everything about them was a reminder of Cinna, it was as though he could still live through his designs. Annie quickly sorted through the rack before deciding on the green silk dress I wore in District 5 during the victory tour. The dress is beautiful, of course since Cinna designed it, but I'd never been able to truly admire his work until now. I smiled warmly as Annie hugged the dress to her, at least that dress would be truly loved instead of left in an abandoned house.

As we left I heard a hiss coming from within the kitchen, no one else seemed to hear it so they carried on out the front door. I quickly spun on my heels and met the yellow eyes of the ugliest tom cat in the world. "Buttercup," I sigh, almost happy to see the ugly mog. Although he clearly didn't hold the same regard for me, he stood in the kitchen doorway, back arched and ears flattened with his teeth bared as far as he could manage. Even if I did hate the cat, it was good to see some kind of life managed to survive the bombings.

"Come here boy," I called to him, but he just bared his teeth further – obviously angry at his abandonment. I sighed, already exhausted with him, but I knew Prim would never forgive me if I left him here. "Want to see Prim?" I cooed, which gained his attention. He gave a small meow before making his way over to me. I quickly slung my game bag back off my back before stuffing Buttercup into it. I tried to stroke him several times to calm him down but was rewarded by a few neat scratches on my hand. Instead I hissed back at him and closed the bag up. He'd thank me later.

Once I was outside my house I noticed Haymitch and Peeta had re-joined us, both with a bag in hand. I guessed Haymitch's would be full of any alcohol stash he had left back here in Twelve. I was more intrigued as to what Peeta had chosen to bring along. I did notice over his arm was one of the suits Cinna had designed for him; I guessed he had picked it out for Finnick to wear.

"Right, are we ready to go?" Haymitch asked, before motioning to the guard who got out his communicuff, obviously to contact the hovercraft.

"Actually, I was wondering if I could go down to the Seam?" I asked, I didn't really plan on taking no for an answer. This could be the only chance I got to go and visit my own home; Dr Aurelius had also suggested I have a good look round while I was here – for closure.

"Miss Everdeen, I'm not sure we have time. The hovercraft driver has strict instructions on what time to be back for." The guard interjected, to which I just scowled at Haymitch. He decided to intervene before I ended up causing a scene with the guard.

"It's fine," Haymitch assured the guard. "I could do with some time to have a tipple of some of my goods just in case they get taken off me." He smirked, shaking the bag in his hands which jingled as the glass bottles within clanged against each other. "Just be quick sweetheart." He added before I dumped my bag by his feet. He gave me a questioning glance as a hiss came from within.

"The cat," I said simply to explain, I noticed Peeta laugh lightly – obviously at the thought of Buttercup stuffed inside the small bag. "Just make sure he doesn't escape." I said pointedly to Haymitch, who I wasn't sure was even listening anymore as he'd already started rifling inside his bag of goods.

As I was about to leave I noticed Peeta hand off the suit to Annie before placing his bag next to mine. "Can I come with you?" He asked hesitantly, I wasn't sure why he wanted to come, he'd never been to my old home and I couldn't imagine him often visiting the Seam. I guessed we could go past some of the town on our way.

"Sure," I answered before looking at Peeta's guard who seemed extremely agitated. "I take it you'll be coming with us?" I asked pointedly to which he just nodded slowly.

* * *

Peeta didn't speak much on the walk over to the Seam; he only spoke when he wanted to ask for my confirmation about something in the district. As we neared the Seam my footsteps became slower and heavier, yet my heart seemed to be hammering against my chest. I was afraid of what I'd see, all those families I'd know were mostly dead and seeing their obliterated homes would just open up the wound. But I knew I had to do this, I'd always wonder about the true fate of my district if I didn't come and see it for myself. Once I had gotten over the hardest parts I could begin to heal – as Dr Aurelius had said. As we started to close in on the ashes which were our homes Peeta suddenly spoke up.

"I think I should go and see my own house," He murmured, his eyes were glassy again from tears. I knew how hard this all must be on him; at least back in Thirteen I still had my family. This visit was for Peeta to say goodbye to everyone he'd known.

"Will you be alright on your own?" I asked, knowing that even though the guard would be going with him, he wouldn't have any emotional support. Although I wasn't sure what help I could be to him at the moment. Our relationship was far from as intimate as it had once been.

He nodded slowly before giving me a reassuring smile. "I think this is something we both need to do on our own." I quickly agreed with him before we parted ways.

As I headed into the seam I noticed just how extreme the devastation had been, the whole area was just a mess of crumpled buildings and piles of bricks, all coated in a thick layer of the grey dust. After a while I started to get my bearings, luckily I had obtained my navigation skills from my many years of hunting around the forest. I managed to locate my house using the charred heap of bricks which used to be our chimney. I looked around the space where my house had once stood, where the dining table had been and my bed had sat. Only there was nothing there, and along with the nothingness in the area – I felt the same in my heart. It was as though I was empty of emotion; there was nothing to tie me to this place now. No reminder of the home I had lived in with my family – my whole family. This had been the only home I had lived in with my father, and now nearly everything of him was gone except the few memorabilia I had gathered from the Victors Village.

I suddenly felt a sickening feeling in my stomach and found myself hunched over in pain before the tears started. The sudden grief of everything the destruction of my district symbolised. I clawed the dust with my hands, hoping somehow to cling onto something of my past. So far this war had brought nothing but pain and loss, I had nothing left of my previous life – and although this was meant to be leading to a better life for us all, I just couldn't see it. I stood up slowly, letting the dust trickle through the gaps in my fingers onto the floor. I wanted to fight through the pain, show I was strong enough to get through this, but my feet felt as though they were cemented on the floor. Relief only came when I felt the warm pressure on my hand as it was clasped in someone else's.

"You don't have to be strong Katniss," I almost gasped when I heard Peeta's voice. It was then that I realised it was his hand that had taken mine and the warmness seemed to spread all the way up my arm and through my body, creating a barricade between myself and the cold emptiness of the district around me. This was the most contact Peeta had initiated with me since his arrival in Thirteen, I tried not to draw attention to it – scared he would suddenly realise his actions and pull away.

"Neither do you," I whispered when I looked up and saw the expression on his face. It contorted strangely as he tried to hold back his own signs of sadness. "Did you go see your house?" I asked, turning away from my old home to face him fully. His hand still entwined with mine.

"I only looked quickly," he sighed, looking down at the floor in frustration. "There wasn't much to look at," the tears then started to run down his dusty cheeks. I reached forward and brushed them away with my free hand, suddenly getting the courage to with him holding my other hand.

"It's okay Peeta; you don't have to make all the steps in one day." I encouraged him, if he had pushed himself to stand in its ruins like I had he would have probably ended up having an episode. "Come on, let's make our way back." I gave his hand an encouraging squeeze before we trudged through the dust and out of the Seam. I did not let go of his hand for the duration of the journey back to the hovercraft. I was surprised when he held me hand with as much force as I was clinging to his with. It seemed that no matter what the Capitol put us through, this simple gesture would always seem to get us through the toughest of times. The simple gesture held so many emotions between us both, it symbolised every time we'd turned for each other for comfort, just by reaching out our hands. But I didn't know if Peeta could remember any of these moments we had shared – and the thought of that seemed to hurt almost as much as the pain of seeing my destroyed home.

The guard contacted the others, who had already re-boarded the hovercraft and had our stuff loaded. Peeta and I walked through the district in silence yet again, only there was no awkwardness about it. We both knew each other were in pain, yet knowing we were stood next to each other helped ease the pain. I almost felt relief when we re-boarded the hovercraft and it moved away from my destroyed district. I allowed myself one last glimpse of the ruins before seating myself as far away from the entrance to the hovercraft as I could. This place could only cause me pain right now.


	12. Chapter 12

Hey again readers! Welcome back, and a big hello to any new readers!

My first big thankyou if for my beta reader **ct522** who is amazing!

My second big thankyou is for everyone who reviewed last chapter; **destined627**, **kitkatlogan**, **jennibrolawrence **and **ct522**. It always means so much to recieve reviews! I love hearing what people think of the story! So please feel free to review with any thoughts!

Disclaimer - all the characters etc belong to Suzanne Collins not myself.

Happy reading!

* * *

Peeta didn't let go of my hand throughout the journey back to Thirteen. No words were spoken between anyone on-board the hovercraft – but could anything have been said to lighten the mood? Peeta's hand had always been my rock when I needed someone to hold onto. I was surprised by how stable Peeta had been throughout the visit – I would be sure to inform Dr Aurelius on his progress. Even though he'd managed the trip without a flashback, I could see the pain behind the façade he had put up. It was unlike Peeta to be so cold and distant with his feelings, but I was scared that asking him about how he was feeling for fear it would breach an emotional barrier that Peeta couldn't handle.

Once we reached Thirteen Annie was practically scooped up by Plutarch who insisted they had much work to do in preparation for the wedding, which was a couple of days away. Haymitch had insisted he had much catching up to do with his 'old friends' and had quickly stumbled off in the direction of his cabin before anyone could stop him, taking Buttercup with him – I just hoped he remember to take him back to Prim otherwise he'd get a nasty surprise when he woke up from his alcohol coma. Although I couldn't say the image didn't fill me with some satisfaction. Peeta's grip on my hand remained as firm even when we were back in Thirteen, so I accompanied him back to the hospital ward. I wasn't going to abandon him now that he'd opened himself up to me.

I still couldn't muster up the courage to speak to Peeta on the way back to his room; I didn't want to ruin any kind of attachment he'd made to me today. Plus I had to admit, I was secretly enjoying the feel of his hand in mine again, and I wasn't going to do anything to stop the feeling anytime soon. As we reached Peeta's room Dr Aurelius eyed our joint hands inquisitively, I just stared back at him challengingly until he turned away. Fern, however, was beaming at us before she opened up Peeta's room. I followed Peeta into his room; it was much less bright than before – obviously Dr Aurelius felt he didn't need to observe Peeta in as much intensity as before. At the site of his bed, Peeta suddenly dropped my hand before throwing himself onto it, sighing heavily as he positioned himself. As I forced myself to look at his face for the first time since we'd left district Twelve, I noticed the strain our visit had impacted on him. He seemed more drained of colour, and bags were already forming under his eyes. Peeta must've been putting up much more of a fight to keep his emotions at bay than I had realised.

I found myself standing awkwardly at the end of the bed, no quite sure what to say or do. I couldn't remember the last time I'd felt like this in front of Peeta; the feeling made me wish things could go back to normal now more than ever. I watched as Peeta closed his eyes and began to breathe heavily, today had drained him and he deserved a rest so I quietly made my way to the door.

"Katniss, wait." Peeta called as my hand reached out for the doorknob. I turned round to him now sitting up on the bed. "Can you stay?" He asked, eyes brimming with hope.

"You're tired Peeta, you should rest." I urged, although I didn't move back towards the door.

"I can't rest, there's too much going on in my head." He scowled to himself.

"Anything I can help with?" I asked moving back to his bedside, hoping that this was an invitation into Peeta's bottled up emotions.

"I'm not sure," he answered honestly, giving me an uncertain glance. "I can't really remember much about the time we spent time together in Twelve."

I sighed, knowing that although we had spent a brief amount of time together before the Quarter Quell, the truth was I and Peeta had led separate lives. "I'll help with what I can." I added, feeling almost as useless as I had when Peeta had said nothing at all. "Delly might be more help though; I can get her if you want." I added begrudgingly, I hated that I couldn't answer all Peeta's questions – and because of my selfishness I hadn't even been there with him after our first Games.

"No," Peeta reached out and clasped my wrist gently. "I've asked her so much before. She's answered what she could, but she could never explain why I thought about you so much."

"You loved me, that's why." I smiled gently at him, wishing I'd never taken his love for granted before. I'd never appreciated how much Peeta had devoted himself to me, even before we had met, and now he could barely even access those memories.

"I must have," he smiled back at me. I tried to uphold my smile but felt it faltering. He didn't love me still, he couldn't. The Capitol had made sure of that. "I remember when I gave you the bread." He added lightly, looking into my eyes questioningly.

"You do?" My smile grew stronger at this, "you saved my life Peeta." I added, wanting him to remember what he had done for me – and hopefully he'd remember the reason.

He nodded eagerly, even blushing lightly when I mentioned him saving my life. He was always the most modest of us all. "I saw you the next day, after school." He added breathlessly, as if the memory was flooding back to him as he revealed it to me.

"Yes, I wanted to say thank-you. But I could never muster the courage." I sighed, wishing that I had managed to speak to him all those years ago. Maybe I could've had the opportunity to meet Peeta without having to go through terrible circumstances.

"I tried to catch your eye, but you wouldn't look at me." Peeta laughed lightly, as if he knew this would be a typical Katniss thing to do. "Then for some reason, I think you picked a dandelion." He frowned to himself, as if the memory didn't make sense, but I nodded to him eagerly.

"That's exactly what happened." I clasped his hand in-between mine. "You gave me hope Peeta, without you, I'd have given up on life."

"I couldn't let you starve to death." He interjected, once again down playing his role in my survival.

"Not just that once Peeta, you've saved me so many times." I looked into his blue eyes as they searched mine – as if trying to remember every moment we'd spent together. I felt my own eyes watering but quickly blinked the tears away.

I stayed in Peeta's room for a long time after that, simply answering any questions he had about District Twelve, and then moving on to any questions about me. I found myself putting off the more intimate questions, not ready to delve into whatever I felt towards Peeta – and I didn't think he could handle it yet either. During our conversation we invented a game – Real or Not Real, in which Peeta would simply ask me a question and I would tell him if it was real or not. It was a quick way to get through his confused memories. After a while he began to see patterns between his memories. According to Peeta the Capitol created memories, were 'shiny' and unclear. Eventually he began to decipher between them himself and only needed me for confirmation.

Eventually we found ourselves moving off the topic of memories and just talking about things in general, mostly about me filling Peeta in on what life had been like since we'd moved to Thirteen and what had been happening out in the field.

"Finnick asked me to make his and Annie's wedding cake," Peeta mentioned after a while, I could see by his expression that his excited him.

"You're going to do it?" I asked, although I knew the answer.

"I think so, it might be nice to actually have something to do other than sit in this room all day." I instantly felt guilty for Peeta's limited lifestyle; although it wasn't my fault I hated to think of him being driven insane by boredom.

"You should, I know they'd love anything you make." I gave his hand a reassuring squeeze. "It'd be nice to see you baking again as well." I added, feeling my cheeks redden slightly.

"You'd come with me to bake?" Peeta asked, seeming perplexed at the thought of me spending time with him during an everyday task.

"If that's okay with you," I replied, giving him a small smile before looking away from his face. He didn't realise that what I wanted more than anything was a glimpse of the old Peeta – the baker's boy who had saved my life and had never been hurt by the Hunger Games or the Capitol.

"That'd be nice," Peeta murmured. As I looked up at him I noticed his eyes were slightly glazed over as he thought of something. "I wish I'd been brave enough to look around Twelve more." He sighed; I knew he was thinking about his family. Baking would always be something that would bring back memories of them.

"You can't force yourself if you're not ready." I took both his hands in mine and stared directly into his eyes. "You're one of the bravest people I know Peeta, it wasn't you being a coward, it was you trying to heal."

"What if I never get the chance again though," his eyes were welling up with tears and I clasped tighter onto his hands.

"I'll make sure you do, and I promise I'll be there for you next time." It was a promise I planned to keep, I shouldn't have left Peeta to explore Twelve on his own – his mind wasn't capable of dealing with the emotions yet. I was just too afraid of rejection if he didn't want my support. Peeta gave me a small smile and ran his thumbs over the back of my hands. I felt the warmness spreading over them again and my whole body seemed to flush at any touch from him.

"Enough about sad things," he quickly blinked away the watering in his eyes. "I have a cake to plan." His smile grew instantly and he dropped my hands to pull out a notepad from the bedside table. As he opened the pad I noticed there were already some sketches inside. They looked like rough plans for the cake.

"Will you come to the wedding?" I asked as Peeta began muttering to himself about ideas for the cake. He looked up at me and paused for a moment as I he were weighing up the pros and cons in his head.

"Do you think I should?" He asked, eyeing me cautiously as he waited or a response.

"I think it'd be good for you, you'd get to see people but it wouldn't be formal." Peeta nodded at my response but he didn't seem satisfied, I knew a lot of people would like to see him about and well, but I also knew the reasons why he was hesitant. "I'd like you to be there," I added quietly, I wasn't sure he'd heard until I saw a small blush on his cheeks. The pink flush made me smile to myself; it was good to see Peeta showing some emotion – and even better to see some colour back in his cheeks.

"Well I suppose I shouldn't let anyone down." He smirked at me quickly before returning his attention to his notepad, as if the moment had never happened.

* * *

Finnick and Annie's wedding was a smash hit, despite Coin's reservations that it was too lavish and Plutarch's that it was too drab. The only thing that mattered was the happiness radiating from the couple, for whom this would've once been an impossibility. The pair of them practically glowed, both outshining the glamorous clothes they had borrowed from Peeta and I. Luckily for the rest of us we were allowed to wear our own clothes. I had convinced Annie to take full advantage of my Prep team who had done a brilliant job making her look striking without going over the top as they would've done back in the Capitol. However they had insisted after finishing with Annie that they would come and do my hair and makeup. I of course refused, but they never could take no for an answer. Compared to everyone else I felt mortified at my appearance, even though my mother and Prim had both exclaimed about how beautiful I looked before we left for the ceremony.

A few unique touches from District Four were added to the ceremony; a net woven from long grass which covers the couple as they make their vows, the touching of each other's lips with salt water, and an ancient wedding song. It was truly beautiful, and I didn't have to pretend to be happy for the couple at all because I couldn't keep myself from smiling for the duration of the ceremony. My mother began to cry during the proceedings and I forced myself to take her hand in mine. I knew it was hard for her during weddings; it often brought back memories of my father – and during all this war and sadness, this piece of happiness hit home harder than anything else.

Once the fiddler started playing, the dancing began. Twelve may not have been the biggest or richest District in Panem but we sure knew how to dance and it wasn't long before the floor was filled with the residents from district Twelve – finally able to let their hair down after weeks of Thirteen's rules and regulations. My mother and Prim were amongst the first to join in the dancing and I clapped happily from the side in time with the music. It was so good to see the happiness on their faces, although I still protested when they called me to dance. Soon after however, I was interrupted by a sharp jab in the ribs.

"Are you going to deny Snow the opportunity to see you dance?" Johanna smirked before winking exaggeratedly to me. At first I was taken aback from the shock of seeing her out of the hospital – obviously the doctors had deemed her finally healthy enough to explore Thirteen. She looked much better in herself, her hair had begun growing back thick and healthily and her skin held much more colour than it had done while she was cooped up in the hospital ward. I hoped this wasn't a one-time thing for her as she looked so delighted to finally be free. Johanna was right though, now was the perfect opportunity to show Snow that his reign of terror was coming to an end. If the Mockingjay could still enjoy life, so could everyone else.

I quickly bounded across the floor towards Prim and lined up opposite her, Johanna joined us and stood opposite my mother before the next song began and the dance resumed yet again. It was easy during these moments to forget about all the dark things going on around me and to just enjoy life for what it was. I still had my family, I had more friends than before I had been sent to the Games, and Peeta was slowly coming back to me. Yes, we had lost many and times were hard – but those who had died wouldn't have wanted us all to squander the rest of our lives.

We all danced until Plutarch made an announcement for everyone's attention, claiming he had a surprise for the bride and groom. Once he had everyone's undivided attention, in wheeled the largest wedding cake I had ever seen. It was dazzling, covered with blue-green, white-tipped icing waves which were swimming with fish, sailboats, seals and sea flowers. It was perfect, and I could see by the look on Annie and Finnick's face that they completely agreed. Peeta had only allowed me into the kitchen during the baking stages of the cake, stating he wanted its design to be a surprise. I never could've imagined it would turn out so breath-taking. The sight of it made me ache for Peeta - where was he? I hadn't seen him all night. I quickly began looking round the room as everyone moved towards Peeta's creation, applauding at the mere sight of it.

A voice suddenly interrupted me before I could locate Peeta; "He's not here." I froze when I heard Gale's voice. I hadn't seen him all night, and hadn't tried to either. Things still hadn't been natural between us since our break-up.

"I… Hello," I murmured pathetically as I looked up to meet his gaze.

"I know you're looking for Peeta," he replied blankly, obviously not open to conversation. "He's in his hospital room."

"How could you know that?" I asked sharply, getting agitated by his tone.

"He had an episode, Haymitch had to leave early to go and see him – I was talking with him when he got the message." I couldn't help but notice the small smirk that played on Gale's lips before he quickly regained his composure.

"Oh," I sighed, looking to the ground. In all the happiness it was as thought I'd forgotten that there was a boy who was still fighting the demons within him. "I should go…" I walked back to my table to gather my things, my mind set on the hospital. Gale followed me to the table, sighing loudly as he did so.

"How can you pick him, Katniss?" He asked, I turned to look at him with narrowed eyes, but the look of exasperation on his face made me calm slightly.

"What do you mean?" I asked, almost bored of people questioning my motives with Peeta.

"Just look at tonight for example, this will never stop. You could be as happy as could be, then suddenly something will happen and he'll be the Capitol-mutt Peeta again." I could tell he wasn't trying to be hurtful with his words, just truthful. But it didn't mean they didn't sting. It hurt to think of Peeta's future plagued by flashbacks and doubts over his memories.

"Well, that's why I'm going to make sure I'm there every time they happen. So if he needs me, he won't have to go through it alone." The look on Gale's face told me that my point had hit home, and the conversation was over. I quickly gathered my bag before heading towards the hospital ward.


	13. Chapter 13

Welcome back readers! Hope you're all enjoying the story, i'm sure this chapter will be one you've been waiting for ;)

First off, a big thank-you to my beta reader **ct522**, who did an amazing job as always!

Second, a massive thanks to my reviewers, I love hearing what you guys think and all your kind comments just spur me on to keep writing. So a big thank-you to **kitkatlogan, destined627 **and **betazoid4**

****Hope you all enjoy this chapter, please let me know what you think :)

Disclaimer - all the characters etc belong to Suzanne Collins not myself.

Happy reading!

* * *

I rushed to the hospital ward, feeling guiltier by the minute that I was dancing the night away, Peeta had been cooped up in his room having to live through awful images that I could only imagine the severity of. I was slightly annoyed with Haymitch for not telling me that Peeta was having an episode, but I knew he'd probably wanted to get here as fast as he could. I couldn't even guarantee that I could help with Peeta's flashbacks, especially if they were severe enough to make him afraid of me. I could be the last person he wanted to see. I felt my heart plummet at the thought but forced myself to move forward, I would always be standing at the side-line waiting, just in case he did need me.

I rushed through the hospital; the nurses just let me walk through now – knowing where I was headed. As I neared Peeta's room I could already hear agitated voices and once I reached his room I saw several nurses. I noticed that as I walked up to them they spoke in hushed voices.

"What's going on with Peeta?" I demanded as soon as I was next to them. They all just stared at me blankly before Dr Aurelius came out of the observation room next to Peeta's room. He paused before me and quickly ushered the others away.

"Ah, Katniss," he stammered, trying to compose himself. His clothes and hair were all dishevelled like he'd been rushing around from room to room. "I thought you were at the wedding?" He asked, conveniently positioning himself between myself at the door to Peeta's room.

"I was," I answered sharply, my eyes darting between him and the door every time a noise came from within. "But I heard about Peeta. I think I should see him."

"Katniss, I wouldn't if I were you." Dr Aurelius insisted, but I barged past him. He knew better than to put up a fight. "Katniss I don't think he's in a fit state to see you." He tried again, but I'd already burst through the door by the time he'd finished his sentence.

As soon as I was in the room, the volume seemed to elevate to an unnatural level. Everyone was shouting over each other while several doctors rushed round the room attending to the beeping machines. My eyes quickly locked on Peeta's bed, it was surrounded with hospital security guards who were trying to pin Peeta down. In-between them I caught glimpses of him thrashing around. In the middle of them all was Haymitch, trying to talk to Peeta who was screaming at the top of his voice.

"Peeta!" I cried, rushing over to his bedside and trying to push the men away from him. "Get off him!" I pushed them away with my arms.

"Katniss," Haymitch grunted his eyes only leaving Peeta for a second to glance at me. "What are you doing here?"

"You should have told me it was this bad!" I shot him a dirty look before shouting at the security guards again. "You're making him worse!"

Peeta seemed to sense my voice as his screaming stopped. His eyes began darting around the room to find me. "Katniss?" He called softly, his eyes finally focused on me, but when I looked at them they didn't look like his eyes at all. I couldn't even see the blue in them anymore, they seemed clouded over as if he were blind and I could tell by the way he was looking at me that he was unable to see clearly. He began shouting my name louder and louder before he closed his eyes tight as if some image was plaguing him.

"Peeta I'm here," I cooed softly, pushing my way to his bedside before clasping his hand in mine. As soon as my hand was within his he gripped it tightly with both of his, as if he was afraid I was going to let go.

"Katniss, please!" He cried, his eyes still closed and his head thrashed from side to side.

"Peeta, I'm right here. I'm holding your hand, I'm not going anywhere." I promised, moving to perch on the side of his bed, ignoring the protests of everyone around me.

"Katniss, please don't change." He looked me directly in the eyes, only his clouded over eye seemed to stare straight through me.

"Peeta, I don't know what you're saying. Tell me what's going on." I pleaded, I had no idea what was happening behind those eyes, but I could tell it wasn't good. Suddenly Peeta's arms flew out of my grasp and gripped my hard on my upper arms.

"Get her out of here!" Dr Aurelius cried, making his first input into the whole event.

But I shouted back protesting his orders; "Go ahead and try and make me leave, I'm not going anywhere! He won't hurt me" I could tell by the expression on Peeta's face. He was trying not to lose me to the clouds in his mind.

"Leave her," Haymitch stepped in-between the security guards and Peeta's bed. "She's the only person he's asked for – taking her away from him isn't going to solve anything." I gave Haymitch a small nod to show my gratitude before returning my attention to Peeta, who now had tears streaming down his cheeks.

"Don't leave me Katniss," he murmured, his voice had lost all its energy and his whole body seemed to crumble. I moved forward to wipe the hot tears from his ace, hushing him as I did so.

"I'm not going anywhere, I promise." His hands fell from my arms and I gathered them back up into my own before bringing them to my lips and planting soft kisses along them. I didn't know what had come over me, I just knew I wanted to comfort him in any way I could. The touch of his skin on my lips seemed to set my whole body on fire but I tried to ignore it as I focused on the boy in front of me. Peeta seemed slightly taken aback by my actions but didn't let it faze himself as he brushed his thumbs along my lips lightly while smiling softly.

"I'm so tired," Peeta murmured. The clouds seemed to be clearing from his eyes – and like after a rainstorm when they blue skies start to peer through, so did the beautiful blue irises of Peeta's eyes. I couldn't help but smile at the sight of them. I never knew you could miss something so much after only a few minutes of it being taken away from you.

"It's okay Peeta, just relax." I let go of his hands and started to smooth down his hair, and found myself humming lowly as if singing a child to sleep. His episode had nearly finished, it was evident in his demeanour, and the exhaustion taking over his body. It was only then that I noticed the room had emptied and we'd been left alone.

Peeta reached up and brushed his hands softly along my cheekbones, the sensation made my skin tingle with anticipation of his next touch. I could feel my face flushing under his touch but tried not to react in case it made him completely stop what he was doing. I couldn't deny that I would always crave his touch.

"You're here," he smiled softly, his eyes had returned to their normal state and already the bags were forming underneath them.

"I told you I'm not going anywhere." I replied, and to prove my point I moved up the bed and lay next to him, an arm resting over his chest as one of his wrapped round my shoulders. It had been so long since we'd lay like this. It reminded me of all the nights we'd spent in this position during the VictoryTour, just trying to comfort each other. Never did I realise that it would only ever be Peeta who could comfort me in that way. I buried my head into his chest and closed my eyes, focusing only on the movement caused by his slow steady breaths. It wasn't long before Peeta was sound asleep, and soon I found my eyes drooping and I too allowed my exhaustion to get the better of me.

* * *

It must've been a few hours later when I awoke. The bright lights in the room had been dimmed to simulate night time; it took my eyes a few moments to adjust to the low lighting before they could make out Peeta lying next to me. His hair lay swept over one side of his face and his lips were parted slightly as he breathed in and out. I couldn't help but notice how young he looked when he slept. It was as though the Capitol had never touched him; he looked like the same boy who had thrown me the bread that day – so innocent and kind-hearted. I knew he was still there somewhere, and he was showing it more and more every day, but every time I thought of my old Peeta I felt like my heart would break. It wasn't long after that Peeta's eyes began to flutter open, he could always sense when I woke up before him.

"Hey," he murmured, his voice shaking slightly as he stretch his arms and legs – groaning slightly as he did so.

"How are you feeling?" I asked as I rolled onto my side to face him.

"Terrible," he laughed lightly, but as his eyes settled on me they turned serious. "You shouldn't have come Katniss."

His words stung like I'd been hit in the chest. I'd thought I'd done the wrong thing by staying by his side. "Oh, right," I murmured, moving to sit up. Peeta quickly caught my arm to stop me from moving.

"No, I didn't mean it like that. I could've hurt you Katniss, I can't control what I think when I'm having a flashback." He almost looked ashamed with himself as he said it.

"You wouldn't have hurt me Peeta." He gave me a disbelieving look but I just shook my head at him. "You weren't like that; you seemed more scared than violent. What was your flashback about anyway?" I asked, trying to sound like I wasn't prying, but I knew I couldn't help him if he didn't learn to tell me what happened during any of his episodes.

"I… I don't know if I should tell you." He stammered as he looked away from me as if he were embarrassed.

"Peeta, you can tell me anything. I want to help, and I can't do that if I don't know what's going on." I assured him and gave him a small reassuring smile when his eyes met mine again.

"It might sound stupid, but it just seems too real when it's happening." He sighed deeply, as if bracing himself for what he was about to reveal. I nodded to him to urge him on; nothing he said would sound stupid to me. I knew what the Capitol could be capable of making you believe. In the Quarter Quell I'd been convinced Prim was in the arena with us, just by hearing her voice.

"I think the wedding brought it on, when I was getting ready it reminded me of another time when I was getting ready for a wedding." He looked confused for a moment as he couldn't quite piece the memories together.

"It was probably when you were getting ready for our wedding photo-shoot." I interjected, feeling that familiar stab in my heart at the reminder of what I'd put Peeta through. He'd proposed to me in front of millions, and although it was all for show – I knew it had meant more to Peeta. Haymitch had even pointed it out, Peeta would've wanted to propose to me one day. just not in the way it ended up happening. It made me feel even guiltier about how I'd played off his feelings in the first Games.

"Hm, probably." He sighed, as if the memory were just as painful for him – but I wasn't sure he could remember it with that kind of emotion. "Well, I think the memory of it must've triggered the episode. One minute I was getting ready, the next I was seeing our wedding. We were back in Twelve, but we both had those ridiculous clothes the Capitol wanted us to wear. You were in this big white dress…" he trailed off and started to blush lightly as he kept his gaze on me.

"What?" I asked lightly, I couldn't help but smile lightly as he blushed even further.

"Nothing, you just looked really nice." He smirked lightly at me before his expression turned more serious again. "Well it was you, and then it wasn't. You turned into this mutt, you just seemed to transform into some kind of creature in front of my eyes – and then you were trying to kill me." He looked ashamed as he admitted it to me. I could feel my eyes watering slightly; I hated to think of a world where Peeta could think I would actually kill him. I'd never hurt Peeta, and the Capitol would never get the opportunity to make me capable of that; I would die before I laid a hand on him. "I'm sorry Katniss; I didn't mean to upset you." He sighed, reaching forward to cup my cheek with one of his hands.

"It's not your fault Peeta, don't you ever apologise for what they make you see." I insisted, placing my hand on top of his. "I just don't want you to ever be scared of me again, you must know now I wouldn't hurt you."

Peeta nodded eagerly, I knew he had come to trust me more over the last few weeks. "It's weird, even though I thought you were going to hurt me, I still wanted you to come back to me." He frowned to himself, not quite understanding the emotions he was feeling. I understood now why he'd been calling for me; he was trying to reach the mutt in his flashbacks and trying to help her. Internally Peeta was fighting the same battle for me that I had been doing for him when he'd arrived in Thirteen. Even after everything, neither of us could give up on each other – it wasn't in our nature. We would always protect each other.

"I'll always come back to you Peeta," I promised. Hearing what he saw in his episodes just made me even more certain that I'd stick by him no matter what. He didn't deserve to go through this alone. "Even when you see the worst things, just listen for my voice. The real me will always be here."

"Thank you for being here Katniss," as Peeta looked at me I could feel how much he meant it by the intensity in his eyes, yet something was still bothering him. "I don't want you to waste your life running round after me. There's so much going on right now, I should be the last thing on your mind." He sighed, looking annoyed at himself.

"No Peeta." I said sharply, I never wanted him to feel an imposition. I owed my life to Peeta, and I would do everything I could for the rest of my life to repay him for that. "I'm not wasting my time, don't you ever think that!" I placed my hands on either side of his face, forcing him to look directly into my eyes. "I will always be by your side. Not because I have to be, but because I want to be." I took a deep breath, forcing myself to continue. I'd never been comfortable expressing my emotions, but if anyone deserved to hear it – Peeta did. "No matter where I am or what I do, you're the first thing on my mind. You have been since we first went into the Games. It just took me loosing you to realise it."

Peeta just looked at me, as I he couldn't find the words to say. I hated that it had taken me so long to realise how much he meant to me – and now he couldn't even comprehend how I was feeling. I'd had years of his affection and I'd wasted it. Peeta would've done anything to get my attention this way before, and now he felt he wasn't worthy of it. The thought of that felt like a hit in the stomach. The Capitol would pay, not just for changing Peeta, but for making him feel worthless.

"You should've been at the wedding though. I should've been there.My life might be different now, but I don't want to affect yours." Peeta sighed; I knew he'd been looking forward to going to the wedding. Secretly so I had I, but only to see him there.

"All our lives are different now Peeta, I might not be able to control where I live or what happens in the world around me. But I can control whether I stick by you." I spoke seriously, wanting Peeta to understand that this wasn't a fleeting thought; I planned to stick by Peeta to the end as long as he didn't mind my company. Even if at the end of it I only got my friend back, it would be worth it.

"Why does it matter to you so much?" Peeta asked, there was no malice behind his voice – just confusion. I knew the Capitol had made him think I didn't care about him, but by now he must've realised the opposite.

"Because I care about you Peeta." I answered simply, but I knew that answer wasn't enough anymore. I owed him everything. "You were my friend, maybe even more. The thought of losing you killed me – when I thought you were dead I couldn't even function properly. I took you and your love for granted, but I will do anything just to get the slightest reminder of how it felt to be loved by you." I felt my face flush after I'd said it. I'd never been so open with anyone, especially Peeta. But it wasn't fair on me or him to try and play down my feelings anymore. If I was ever going to get him back I needed to be completely honest.

Peeta stared at me for a long time, his lips moving up and down as if he was trying to formulate a response but just couldn't decide on what to say. I felt exposed and vulnerable and I hated it, I was a natural hunter – not used to being the prey waiting for the killer hit. All it would take was for Peeta to shoot me down completely and I wouldn't know what to do with myself. After a while I saw a small smile playing on Peeta's lips. I couldn't help but smile back at him and looked at him questioningly. I couldn't take the silence any longer.

"I feel like I've waited such a long time to hear you say something like that." He murmured, I tried to look him in the eyes but his seemed fixated with gazing down at my lips. I felt my cheeks warm as his gaze landed on me.

"I think you have," I barely whispered as his face came closer to mine. I could feel his hot breath tickling the end of my nose. His bright blue eyes finally met mine moment before I felt his warm lips press against mine.

It only lasted seconds before Peeta pulled away from me, his lips hovering just above mine. I took in a sharp intake of breath and opened my mouth slightly as I by instinct before his lips came back down on mine again. This time the pressure was much more satisfying and I allowed myself to process the moment. The warmth I had felt on the beach soon returned to me, satisfying my body which had been craving it without me even realising it. My hands found themselves threading through his hair as I pulled him closer and our mouths melted together. It was completely natural, it always had been when I'd let myself feel the moment. It was then that I began to realise the true extent of my aching for Peeta. I even felt myself moan very quietly as he pulled away, my lips already missing his touch. They'd been denied it for too long and in that moment I couldn't understand what had been stopped me for so long. As Peeta pulled away his arms remained tight around my waist, rubbing small circles on my hips with the tips of his thumbs, I tried to ignore it as it drove my body mad with the sensation. His blue eyes searched mine for a moment, trying to read my reaction. After what felt like an age of silence I broke out into a small laugh. Peeta's face relaxed instantly and he beamed back at me.

After a moment I felt I should say something to make Peeta feel at ease with what he'd done. Nothing I could say would easily sum up the moment, or solve any of the hurdles ahead.

"Sorry for making you wait so long."


	14. Chapter 14

Hello again readers! And a big welcome to any new readers. Hope you're all enjoying the story so far.

I'm sure the last chapter was something you've all been waiting for, hope you all liked it!

My first big thank-you to people who reviewed last chapter; **ct522, kitkatlogan, **and **destined627. **It makes my day hearing what you guys think, so please let me know what you're thinking about the story :)

Second big thankyou to my amazing beta reader **ct522, **the story just wouldn't be half as good without their input!

Disclaimer - all the characters etc belong to Suzanne Collins not myself.

Happy reading!

* * *

I snuck out of Peeta's room a short while later, I'd insisted that he get some more sleep – it was after all the middle of the night and he had the tell-tale bags under his eyes from his episode. I couldn't imagine our conversation did much to save energy. I didn't stay any longer as I knew my mother and Prim would be wondering where I was – I hadn't even told them I was leaving the wedding. I felt myself exhaling a breath I hadn't even realised I'd been holding in. Suddenly it was all hitting me, I'd never allowed myself to feel like I had back in Peeta's room – and I probably shouldn't have now. Peeta wasn't stable, he could hate me again tomorrow, and would just be leading myself on. It would kill me to face rejection again. But at the time I couldn't wipe the smile off my face and the blush in my cheeks was still radiating warmth. I couldn't deny that I had enjoyed kissing Peeta; it felt like I'd been missing something in my life – and now I think I knew what it was. There was a reason I couldn't commit myself to Gale, and I felt devastated when I thought I'd lost Peeta. It wasn't just that he was my friend, I had feelings for him – and it finally felt like his feelings for me were returning.

I'd been thinking so deeply that I didn't even notice when Haymitch stepped out of the observation room next door to Peeta's room, until he coughed loudly to get my attention.

"Sorry to disturb your daydreaming sweetheart, but I need to talk to you." He raised an eyebrow at me as I spun round to face him. The smile soon dropped from my face as I realised which room he'd come from.

"Were you watching us?" The accusation was clear in my tone and I narrowed my eyes at him. If it's one thing I hated, it was having my privacy invaded. I'd had enough of that from the Capitol; I didn't need it from my friends.

"Trust me, it wasn't my choice." Haymitch scoffed, giving me a slightly disgusted expression. "Don't worry, we didn't stare at the pair of you when you started getting it on. But maybe you should think about your surroundings." He said it as if I had offended him. I had put up with much worse behaviour from Haymitch; he wasn't going to get a rise out of me.

"Whatever, what do you want?" I asked angrily, wanting to end this conversation before it got much more awkward.

"There are a couple of things, and you're not going to like either of them." Haymitch too seemed tired of the conversation, and by the sounds of it the remainder wasn't going to be enjoyable. He opened the door to the observation room and motioned or me to step inside. When I just stared at him he huffed angrily, "I haven't got all day girl."

I slowly walked into the room, Fern was sat at one of the computer screens and as I walked around she gave me a quick embarrassed smile. She'd obviously witnessed what had happened too. Did I never have any privacy anymore? I just nodded at her and turned to face Haymitch as he walked in after me. He didn't seem in any rush to start the conversation and I was already losing my patience. Haymitch knew I had a short fuse yet he seemed to seek out any opportunity to push my buttons. I crossed my arms over my chest and huffed loudly, showing him I was already fed up. He just chuckled lowly before slumping into a beat-up armchair positioned in the middle of the room.

"Look sweetheart, don't get shirty with me, I'm only the messenger. You know I'm on your side." I forced myself to relax a little, although I knew I still wasn't going to like what I heard. "Well, I actually came to look for you because I had something to tell you. But first, let's addressed the situation I just had the _delight_ of witnessing."

"What's it to do with you?" I asked sharply, this was not something I was planning on discussing with anyone, let alone with Haymitch.

"A lot actually, I haven't been here almost every day for you to come along and ruin all that boys' progress." Haymitch stared me down, raising an eyebrow accusingly. I hadn't realised how much Peeta's recovery meant to Haymitch, even though he'd always preferred Peeta – who wouldn't?

I simply mimicked his expression, "Don't over react old man. How would it ruin his progress?"

"Let's face it Katniss, you're not exactly an open book with your emotions. It's not like you haven't let him down before by being hot one minute and cold the next. If you're going to be around, you need to be fully committed. He's not stable enough to handle your rejection again." The look on Haymitch's face told me that he took no pleasure in spelling it out to me. And I could safely say I took no pleasure in hearing it. It was always a cruel reminder to think about how I had treated Peeta before, I felt I would never be able to redeem myself for it – not when people were insistent on reminding me.

"Well, it's different now." It was a pathetic response, but it was all I could think of. Haymitch's bluntness had taken me by surprise. Surely everyone could see things had changed between Peeta and me now. Everything I did, I did thinking of him first.

"How?" Haymitch asked, although he didn't wait for a response – as if he knew it wouldn't satisfy him anyway. "If you really care about him Katniss, then prove it. But for God's sake, don't hurt that boy again. He's already been through enough."

I couldn't find any words to say. Yes I cared about Peeta, but how exactly did I feel about him?. I had never been one to accept the notion of love when it came to my own life. It opened you up to getting hurt, and I'd experience enough hurt in my short lifetime. I hadn't considered the possibility of becoming so close to someone that I'd be able to overcome that barrier for them. I wasn't there yet with Peeta, and I didn't know if I ever would be. Surely he deserved better than that, he needed someone who wouldn't let him down and could easily decipher how they felt about him. But the thought of turning away from him now left an empty feeling in my chest. I couldn't do it, but I couldn't face hurting him again either.

"I understand." Was all I managed to murmur to Haymitch, he seemed to notice the point had hit home and didn't push it any further. Instead he awkwardly cleared his throat and began talking again as if the previous conversation had never happened.

"Well now that's cleared up, on to the more important stuff. I came down here to find you because it seems Coin has been keeping us in the dark about her plans to move soldiers into the Capitol." I frowned at Haymitch; I hadn't even known Coin was considering sending soldiers yet.

"Well that's nice of her," I scoffed, fed up with her treating me like I was an average citizen in this war. "When do we leave then?"

Haymitch sighed, "You're not going Katniss."

"Excuse me?" I asked sharply, the tone in my voice already turning to anger.

"Coin's decided you're not going. Gale told me when we were talking at the wedding." I felt the familiar stab of betrayal, yet again Gale had kept something from me. I know we hadn't spoken much but I'd have thought this kind of information was more important that his brooding towards me.

"Well there's no way that's happening," I snapped turning on my heels and throwing open the door. "I'm going to find Coin; she's not keeping me out of this!"

Haymitch had stood and was quickly following me out the door. "I'll come with you; they're having a late night meeting in Command right now."

* * *

"What do you mean I'm not going to the Capitol?" I cried as I stormed into the Command meeting, silencing everyone who was in the middle of heated debates. "I have to go, I'm the Mockingjay!" I directed my glare towards Coin who seemed already bored of my presence.

"Hello Katniss," She replied calmly, barely looking up from the screen she was focusing her attention on. "Yes you are the Mockingjay, and you have already achieved your main goal of unifying the districts. Your job's done."

"How can my job ever be done?" I practically screamed, exasperated by her constant need to treat me like a child. "Being the Mockingjay is my life now, you made sure of that."

Coin finally spared me her attention and gazed down at me from the podium she stood at. "Don't worry, if all goes well we'll fly you in for the surrender." I noticed the undeniable smirk that appeared on her lips. Sure this was amusing to her, but she couldn't play with me anymore. The surrender would be too late, how could I make Snow pay for all that he'd done just by showing my face after all the fighting had stopped.

"You need me; I'm the best shot you've got." I tried, I didn't know if this was the truth but Coin couldn't deny that I was a good shot and a valuable asset in warfare. I finally looked round the room and saw several familiar faces who were all allowed to go to the Capitol, Gale included. "Gale's going!" I added, noticing the shocked expression on his face that I was even here.

"Gale has shown up for his training every day, so has everyone else here." Coin replied tiredly, I didn't have much of an argument. It was then that I realised Gale hadn't just been avoiding me because of our breakup, but because he was busy training. I suddenly felt stupid and childish for being so naïve about the situation. It was like I had forgotten a war was happening around us. "How many sessions have you attended Katniss?"

I could see the sparkle of amusement in Coin's eyes as I searched for a response, "well I've hunted for years; practice wouldn't make me any better."

"It's not the same Katniss," Boggs interrupted, his voice was much less reprimanding than Coins, and I could see a hint of sympathy in his expression. "Training isn't just about improving your shot; it's about learning to be a soldier. You don't exactly follow orders, and you're nowhere near your physical peak."

"But I have to go," I sighed, slowly resigning myself to the fact that it wasn't up to me anymore. I was trapped in this district and unless I played my cards right I'd never get my chance to make Snow pay.

"Give her a chance," came a voice that I wasn't expecting to back me up. Gale stepped forward as Coin casted her gaze on him, not looking at all impressed that he'd spoken against her. "We don't leave for three weeks. Give her that time to train then asses her condition." I caught Gale's glance for a moment and gaze him a small smile, it felt right to finally have him back on my side.

"Well, I'm not putting together a team for her to train with. If you want her to come, you train her." Coin waved us off; obviously annoyed she hadn't gotten her way. I couldn't help but smirk back at her.

"That's fine, we hunted together for years, and I can handle training with her." Gale nodded to Coin before giving me a quick wink.

"I'll supervise their training." I was shocked when Boggs interjected, I had grown to like him more than Coin's other men, but I'd never expected him to offer me help. I mouthed a quick 'thank-you' to him before returning my attention to Coin.

"Fine," she sighed. She seemed more interested in getting me out of her hair. "The meeting's over." She called to everyone else in the room.

As people began to get up out of their seats a thought suddenly came to me. "Wait!" I cried, everyone stopped what they were doing and Coin turned round to me, her frustration at me was obvious, but I had to try and push for one more thing. "I want Johanna Mason to train with me."

Coin just waved her hand again, which I took as a yes. Gale walked over to me, smiling broadly.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about this Katniss, I didn't want you to get upset that you weren't going." He looked annoyed with himself, but I let it slide. He had after all just earned me a place going to the Capitol, and he was talking to me again without making snide comments about Peeta. "Why did you ask for Johanna to come?" He asked after a moment. I just shrugged, he wouldn't understand. He'd never experienced the Capitol like we had, I knew if anyone wanted revenge on the Capitol, it was her.

"Well done sweetheart," Haymitch walked up to me and placed a hand on my shoulder, he'd stayed quiet throughout the whole discussion. But I knew he was there more for moral support, Coin didn't treat him much better than me. The only reason he was still given superiority was because of his involvement in freeing the Victors from the Quarter Quell. "You better get some sleep, training starts at seven-thirty." He beamed a satisfied smirk at the look on my face before we all made our way out of the room.

* * *

The next morning Johanna and I reported for training at 7:30 sharp. Johanna had been more than thrilled once I told her she could come to the Capitol with me, she hadn't been over-excited about the training, but the thought of getting her own back on Snow was enough motivation for her. For our first day of training we were sent into a class full of relative beginners, most of which were fourteen to fifteen year olds. I almost made a complaint about it until I noticed they were all more experienced than us. I realized then the amount of training I had been missing, maybe for once I should've done what I was told – but then I remember, until Peeta was brought back to Thirteen I was barely even able to function. I felt a small stab of guilt at the thought of Peeta; I'd planned to visit him today before Coin had decided I needed to begin training. I hadn't even had chance to tell him that I was beginning training – or that I was planning on going to the Capitol. Not that he'd be happy with the news.

Mine and Johanna's first day of training was agony to say the least, ending in an eight kilometre run which I only get through by listening to Johanna's insults at my lack of fitness - although she wasn't fairing any better than me. By the time we had finished training and eaten, both of us were too tired to function and had to head straight to bed. I opted to stay with Johanna in her room that night as we both needed to wake in the morning. Plus since leaving the hospital she'd been suffering withdrawal symptoms from the lack of morphling, and although she'd never ask – I could tell she didn't want to spend her nights alone. Even when she threw every colourful bit of profanity she had to offer at me in the middle of the night, I took it happily. She deserved that at least, I'd like to think we'd become friends, and friends were there for each other even during the hardest times.

The next morning we're met by Gale and Boggs instead of joining our beginners' class. I was shocked to see them, but I guessed we couldn't waste too much time getting our bearings, training had to be hard and intense for us to stand a chance of going to the Capitol. We repeat more or less the same exercises as the previous day, only at a higher intensity, until lunch. It's much different training in this environment; I even manage to choke out a couple of laughs in between shortened breaths at Gale's remarks. It felt good to have my friend back, even if this wasn't what we'd usually have been doing. Johanna had even lightened up a bit at the other's presence; obviously she was happy for the company too. Since Finnick and Annie had been reunited I doubted she got many visits from him. After lunch we moved onto assembling our guns, I'm surprised at the ease with which Gale handled the gun. The only weapon I'd ever seen him wield was a bow, which had a much more delicate air about it. Seeing him holding such a powerful weapon removed the last bit of childish charm he retained from our youth. He wasn't just a boy anymore, he was a man. We'd both grown up; it was only a few years ago that we would have been running round the woods, laughing and hunting. Now we were hunting for a different prey, humans. The thought of Gale in combat made it all so much more real. I didn't want to think of my friend trying to kill others, and I especially didn't want to think of others trying to kill him. But I had to push past my fears if I was going to make Snow repent for his actions. By the end of the day I could easily assemble a gun, however I had to occasionally help Johanna every time Boggs and Gale had their backs turned.

That night Johanna and I decide it would be easier for me to move into her room for the next few weeks. I had planned to stay with her most nights anyway, and having the question taken out of it made me much more at ease. I headed over to my cabin and picked up some of my things to take to Johanna's. My mother and Prim were not too thrilled at the idea of seeing me even less than they had been, but they understood how important my training was – however they both insist they must be able to visit whenever they can.

After dumping my things on the spare bed in Johanna's room I quickly excuse myself to have a shower. The drumming of the hot water beating on my skin soothed my numb muscles instantly; however I couldn't help but think of the heightened benefits that would be provided by human touch. I quickly wiped the thought from my mind and as soon as I was finished in the shower I rushed back into the bedroom, wanting to be distracted from my thoughts.

As I rushed in I noticed Johanna was looking through the pile of belongings on my bed. She gave me a guilty glance when she noticed my presence; however I knew she's not sorry. I just roll my eyes at her and quickly grab some clothes.

"You have more things than me," she muttered absentmindedly. As she said it she looked a little morose, but more curious than anything. I noticed the small pearl she was rolling between her fingers. "Is this?-"

"Yeah," I cut her off. I knew she was asking if it were the one Peeta had given me. I wondered if he could even remember giving it to me. As I thought of Peeta I felt a familiar stab of guilt. I still hadn't seen him – I'd asked Haymitch to pass on the message that I was in training. He hadn't been very happy at my request, but had done it – stating it was for Peeta's sake not mine.

"When did you last see him?" Johanna asked, seeming to read my mind.

"A few days ago," I answered simply. I quickly grabbed the pearl when she loosed it and held it tightly in my palm.

"What's wrong then?" She asked. I could see from the look on her face that she had no idea what I was thinking. Only that I was sad about not seeing him. I sigh loudly but soon find myself blurting out the whole thing to Johanna. I'm shocked at my own openness, but it seems that for once I can't bear to keep it all to myself. I'd learnt the hard way what happened when I held in emotions.

"Oh right," is all that Johanna said in reply. She gave me a small impish smile before laughing loudly. "Only you could make this difficult, Katniss. Peeta's all messed up in the head and even he's got it more sussed than you."

"Well what should I do then? Since you know it all." I asked, getting impatient at her response. Why is it that everyone always thought it was me who messed things up?

"Don't push him away." She said simply before she climbed into bed. "Now I'm going to sleep, figure out your lover boy problems yourself."


	15. Chapter 15

Hello readers! Hope you're all enjoying the story and will enjoy this chapter! I'm hoping Katniss redeems herself in this one ;)

It was a bit quiet on the review front last chapter, I hope that's not a bad sign! But a big thankyou to **betazoid4 **and **kitkatlogan** for their reviews! I do love hearing feedback!

Another thank-you to be beta reader **ct522 **who has been amazing as usual and had provided plenty of usefull advice on this chapter!

Disclaimer - all the characters etc belong to Suzanne Collins not myself.

Happy reading!

* * *

I couldn't sleep after Johanna's 'advice'. I was too busy trying to figure out what she'd meant by me pushing Peeta away. All I'd done since he'd come back to Thirteen was try to help him and I'd been around him as much as I could. It was like the conversation with Haymitch all over again. Why did no one trust me when it came to Peeya. No matter what I did, and how much my motives might be to protect Peeta, all I ever seemed to do was hurt him. Everything that had happened to him since the Reaping was all down to my actions. I felt the all too familiar stab of guilt in my chest. Why was it that no matter how I tried to redeem myself I would always be reminded of the mistakes I made in the past? I suddenly had the urge to just get up and go to the hospital ward – I needed to talk to Peeta.

I quickly threw off my blanket and slipped on my shoes before I even had chance to question my actions. I didn't care that it was the middle of the night, it wouldn't be the first time Peeta or I had snuck into each other's rooms at this time. It was an unspoken agreement between us that day or night we would be there for each other. I quietly made my way out the room, making sure not to disturb Johanna – although she was a surprisingly deep sleeper and could easily sleep through any of the nightmares I had during the night. It wasn't long before I found myself outside of Peeta's room; I took a quick peek into the observation room noting that it was empty. I hadn't expected otherwise at this hour, but it was better to be safe rather than have to endure another awkward conversation with Haymitch. After making sure the coast was clear I quickly opened Peeta's door and edged inside so not to startle him.

Slowly my eyes began to adjust to the dimmed room. I could just about make out Peeta's bed at the opposite end of the room. Sure enough there was a definite lump in the middle of the bed; I hadn't expected Peeta to be awake at this time. However, he seemed to sense the addition to the room and began to stir awake as I walked over to his bedside.

"Peeta," I cooed as his eyes began to flutter open. He eyed me for a moment before his forehead creased in confusion.

"Katniss, what are you doing here? Is something wrong?" He pushed himself up in the bed so he was sitting upright. He roughly rubbed his eyes to try and rouse himself.

"No, nothing's wrong." I urged, placing a hand on his arm – except he seemed to shy away from my touch. I withdrew my hand trying not to overthink the action, putting it down to the fact he was still half asleep.

"What are you doing here in the middle of the night?" He asked. It was a different welcome than I was used to receiving from him in these situations. Back before the Capitol had taken him, Peeta would've welcomed me with open arms – probably even pulled back the bed sheets for me to climb in beside him. However, I had to remind myself that this wasn't the same Peeta anymore. He was more reserved than he had been; I had to expect some kind of hesitation.

"I couldn't sleep," I murmured, trying to catch his eyes, but he seemed unwilling to meet my gaze. "I wanted to see you."

"Oh, right." Was all he said in response. I furrowed my brow at him, not understanding his sudden change in attitude. He didn't look like he'd been through any kind of episode, or was about to go into one.

"What's wrong?" I asked, trying to hide the slight snap in my tone. Even with Peeta, I couldn't deny my temper.

"Well, it's funny you want to see me now." He bit his lip nervously, as if not sure to carry on with what he was saying. However, something seemed to snap inside his mind and he continued. "You know, since you've practically ignored me that last couple of days…"

"I've been training, Peeta, Haymitch was supposed to tell you." I couldn't understand Peeta's sudden anger towards me. It wasn't like I had just been sitting in my cabin twiddling my thumbs.

"Oh, he told me." He replied bluntly. "I just thought you might be able to spare five minutes." So Peeta was annoyed purely because I hadn't seen him. Surely he could understand that what I was doing was important.

"Well, it's been pretty full on. Coin's only given me three weeks to be ready; Gale's had to push me straight into advanced workouts." As soon as I mentioned Gale I knew I'd made a mistake. Peeta's eyes darkened and he laughed under his breath.

"So that explains it all. As soon as Gale's back in the picture you leave me again. Is this what you do Katniss? Just switch between the two of us when it suits you." Peeta had begun clenching his fists and I knew if I didn't try and control the situation I was going to lose him.

"No, that's not it at all. He's just been helping me train. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't even have the chance to go to the Capitol." I tried to explain but Peeta just narrowed his eyes at me.

"Why is it so important to go to the Capitol? Can't wait to get away from me I guess." The darkness was starting to take over his eyes and his tone was becoming much more foreign to me. What happened between Peeta and I had made me completely forget that this side of him was still there, waiting to pounce whenever it sensed his weakness.

"What? No, Peeta, of course not." I insisted and placed a hand firmly on his arm so I could be sure he could feel it there. "I want to be here with you, but I need to go. I need to make Snow pay for everything he's done."

Peeta had begun to calm a little, but his body was still clenched. "He's already paying or what he's done. He will pay when the rebel soldiers take him down." It was a relief to hear Peeta siding with the rebels. It meant that his episode must've been subsiding.

"I know that," I sighed. It was hard to explain to anyone why I felt I needed to be there. Snow had done so much to the Peeta that I knew and loved. I wanted to make him pay, and I wanted to do it personally. "I just want to make sure he knows that I was involved in bringing him down."

Peeta sighed heavily and took a few moments to calm himself down. His eyes began to return to the beautiful blue that I loved and his body began to relax under my touch. "You could die, Katniss." Was all he said to break the silence.

"I know," I murmured, my eyes meeting his as he finally looked at me properly. "But I can't let him get away with what he's done. Not just to me, but to you." Peeta's face fell at my last statement, but I interrupted him before he had chance to dwell on it. "Besides, I've survived two Hunger Games. A war should be easy."

Peeta laughed lightly, it was strained and forced but it made me smile. Every time Peeta smiled I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I didn't want to keep making him angry, and I realised now what both Haymitch and Johanna had meant. Every time we felt a small piece of happiness, I did something to ruin it. I had to remember that my actions would always affect Peeta. "I'm sorry I haven't been around the last few days." I sighed, reaching over to push back his hair – which had begun to fall in front of his eyes. I left my hand cupping his cheek and brushed my thumb along the curve of his cheekbones.

Peeta placed his hand over mine and smiled softly at me. "I thought I'd done something wrong." I knew what he was thinking, every time in the past he'd shown me physical affection I'd pushed him away afterwards. Suddenly his eyes seemed panicked, "I didn't, did I?"

I laughed, shaking my head at him. "No, you never do anything wrong." Peeta smirked at me, but I had been serious. Peeta was kind-hearted and always put others first. He was the opposite of me, and I'd never known him do anything to anyone that would purposely hurt them. Him kissing me wasn't the wrong thing to do. He'd just chosen the wrong person to do it to. I didn't know where this left us now, I didn't want to lead Peeta on anymore and hurt him again. Haymitch was right, if I was going to kiss him and show him affection this had to be a commitment. But I just couldn't make a commitment; I never had been able to open my heart to emotion that strong. Love just left you open to hurt, that was obvious by all the times I'd broken Peeta's heart in the past.

"I don't deserve you, Peeta." I sighed. I meant it, I didn't even deserve him as a friend – let alone deserve his love. I hadn't deserved it before, and Peeta had been given a second chance of a life without feelings for me – yet he was still coming back to me.

"No, no one deserves a Capitol-mutt." He half-joked but I just stared at him sternly.

"Don't you ever call yourself that Peeta. Look at you, you're already becoming your old self. You're so much better than the Capitol." I took both his hands in mine and held them tightly, I never wanted him to think he wasn't worthy of me. He was worth everything.

"Well, don't ever think you don't deserve me." He replied, a glint of humour in his eyes when I opened my mouth to argue. "Katniss, I loved you since I was a boy. I may have got lost along the way but all along I think I knew I should be in love with you. I might not feel it all now, but I know it'll come back to me. So surely if you want to make me happy, just be with me." He grinned at me and I hit him playfully in the stomach.

"Don't guilt trip me Mellark!" I scolded him. Truthfully hearing Peeta talk that way both filled me with hope and fear. What if Peeta did one day love me as strongly as he had before the Capitol had taken him? What if I couldn't reciprocate those feelings again and I would just hurt him over and over again? But at the same time I felt like the luckiest person in the world to have such a brilliant boy care about me. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do." I sighed.

Peeta brought my hands up to his lips and planted soft kisses along them; I couldn't deny the unmistakable tingle that his lips left on my skin, or the butterflies which crept into my stomach. "I don't know," he answered honestly. "I just want you to be here."

That's what I wanted, no complications or labels. I just wanted to be here with Peeta, I knew I'd used the last few days as an excuse for breathing space. Haymitch would hate me for how much I was messing Peeta around, but he seemed happy to me. "I will be," I promised. I didn't plan on making him hurt again.

Peeta pulled back his covers and patted the small gap on the bed next to him. "If I'm not mistaken, someone has training early in the morning." I hesitated only for a moment before I slipped in beside him. I knew if I went back to the cabin I wouldn't sleep anyway. I didn't care anymore if anyone caught us in here; it was just like during our times on the train. We needed each other, and there was no use denying it.

"Goodnight, Peeta." I murmured, resting my head on his chest and letting my arm slip across his stomach. Slipping into this position felt so natural, it always had with Peeta.

"Goodnight," Peeta rested his face against the top of my head, planting a soft kiss on my hair. I found myself concentrating on his warm breath as it tickled the top of my head, making the odd strand of hair move every time he breathed out. It wasn't long before I found myself drifting into sleep.

* * *

Something made me stir the next morning; I carefully shifted myself out of Peeta's grasp. I took a small moment to gaze at his sleeping face. He always seemed so innocent this way, as if he had been untouched by the Capitol. I always liked to think that as he dreamed he could escape the pain he'd been through, but I knew better than that – most of our dreams were filled with nightmares. However, I did know that both of us slept better when we were together. I brought my hands up to my eyes and rubbed them vigorously, trying to help them adjust to the harsh light in the room. One thing that I dearly missed being here in Thirteen was being woken by the soft morning sunrise seeping through the window – instead of the harsh artificial light they blasted instead.

Suddenly I became aware that there was someone else in the room, which must've been what had stirred me. I quickly spun my head round and my eyes settled on the displeased figure in front of me. Haymitch stood a few steps back from the bed, his arms crossed over his chest and one of his eyebrows hitched up in question.

"Outside. Now." was all he said before he marched out the room. I knew straight away I'd done something wrong yet again. But then again when did I ever please Haymitch? I quickly jumped off the bed and straightened out my clothes before following Haymitch out the room – not forgetting to cast one last glance at the peaceful boy still lying in bed, arms open as if they were waiting for me to crawl back into them.

"Sweetheart I've warned you about this already," Haymitch grunted at me as I shut Peeta's door behind me.

"How is this any of your business?" I asked him sharply. I was already bored of his accusations. "Peeta wanted me to stay last night. So what's your problem?"

"It's not my business, but that boy has spent the last few days wondering where you are. Sure, he will always welcome you back with open arms – but it's no good for him." His expression was bored, and I knew he was fed up with having to spell out things to me. He wasn't exactly an open book with his own emotions, let alone dealing with two teenagers.

"Well I apologised to him. I won't do it again." I huffed, pushing past him. I was done with this conversation.

"So you say," Haymitch muttered as I walked past him, once I had walked several meters away from him he called to me again. "You need to make your mind up, Katniss."

* * *

I carried on with the rest of my day as usual. Training was harder than it had been the day before, however I felt slightly better in the knowledge that Peeta now knew I wasn't avoiding him. I promised myself I would go straight to his room after dinner. He'd seen me after days without showering during the Games, I'm sure he could handle my appearance after one day of training. Johanna and I both show great improvement during the day, with Boggs even commenting that he could see us both easily making it to the Capitol. By the time we reached the dining hall that evening, we are actually in good spirits. Johanna, Gale and I joined Finnick and Annie, and I placed myself in-between Johanna and Gale, opposite the newlyweds. I was amazed to see the difference in Finnick since his marriage; it just filled me with hope that there was a possibility of a life after all this tragedy. We were all treated to beef stew for dinner; it was so delicious I had to remind myself to slow down – the taste of it reminded me of life back in district Twelve with me, my mother, and Prim all huddled together in the living room. A cold day of hunting rewarded with my mother's homemade stew. The stew was accompanied by a side of freshly baked bread, which was a true rarity in Thirteen; I briefly questioned their sudden generosity before I indulged in mopping up my gravy with the sweet bread, not willing to waste a drop. I was engrossed in the moment, happily listening to Finnick spinning some tale about his hat being stolen by a sea turtle that I didn't notice the two new additions to the group.

Johanna sharply elbowed me in the ribs, "Looks like lover boy's finally making an appearance inthe real world." I quickly follow her gaze and my eyes settle on Peeta and Delly as they approach our table. Peeta smiles lightly at Johanna - it seems during their captivity the two of them became more comfortable around each other. I soon notice that the pair were not alone, Peeta was accompanied by two guards and his hands were shackled together. Delly had the job of balancing both their trays. Finnick responded quickly, jumping out his seat to take one of the trays out of Delly's hands.

"What's with the fancy bracelets?" Johanna asks sharply, eying the guards behind Peeta. I don't understand it myself. Sure, Peeta hadn't been around people in a natural setting since his arrival, but he'd never been considered a threat to anyone but myself. I felt a sickening feeling in my stomach that Peeta had to endure the humiliation of being shackled, just for my benefit.

"Take those off him!" I cried.

"Katniss, it's fine." Peeta smiled softly at me but his eyes screamed sadness.

"Katniss, if they think it's necessary-" Gale began, but I spun round – cutting him off with the sharp glare in my eyes.

"No it's not fine, remove them now. We're all fine with it." I insisted, everyone at the table quickly nodded in approval. The guard sighed angrily before quickly removing the cuffs from Peeta. He still hesitated away from the table as Finnick settled his tray down, giving him an inquisitive look.

"I can't sit at the table without your approval…" Peeta murmured, his cheeks flushing bright red. My heart sank yet again. I hated seeing him being treated this way. Peeta had always been so gentle – and now he was treated like a threat.

"Of course he can sit down," Johanna scoffed before I had chance to react, she quickly waved the guards away – who seemed happy to go and collect their own meals without having to babysit their charge any longer. Peeta's smiled grew as he sat down, giving Johanna a quick 'thank-you'.

"So, what have you been up to?" I asked him, eager to talk to him. It was good to see him out of the hospital wing.

"Well, Delly's actually kept me company all day." He smiled over at her and she returned the gesture. I felt my stomach twist uncomfortably; I didn't understand where the feeling was coming from. I should be glad he hadn't been on his own all day.

"It's been lovely actually," Delly interjected, her contagious smile radiating around the table. "Peeta was granted access to the kitchens; we've been baking together most the day." She placed a hand softly on his arm. She seemed to notice how my eyes casted down to the gesture and she quickly removed it, her face flushing red as she did so. The feeling in my stomach just seemed to grow; I had to admit I felt slightly jealous that Delly had been watching Peeta bake all day. It was one of my favourite things to do; I loved watching him in his element.

"So what did you make?" I asked, trying to keep the accusatory tone from my voice. I had been training all day; Peeta was allowed to have company.

"You're eating it," Peeta smirked, motioning to the half-eaten bread roll I still had clutched in my hand.

"No wonder it's actually edible," Finnick laughed before stuffing the remainder of his bread into his mouth. Annie laughed softly at him as he moaned loudly in exaggerated pleasure.

"We wanted to thank-you actually," Annie added, nudging Finnick lightly. "Our wedding cake was amazing Peeta, I've never seen anything so beautiful." Finnick nodded in agreement.

"My pleasure, Annie." Peeta replied gently, I noticed the proud glimmer in his eyes and felt myself smiling back at him. He seemed to notice my gaze on him and turned round to look at me. "Actually, Katniss. I have a surprise for you." We both ignored the rude comments Johanna makes, although I'm certain my face had turned as red as Peeta's was. "I made you something, but I had to leave in it my room. It was hard enough sneaking it out the kitchen, let alone getting it into here." He smirked.

After that we all finished our meal in a comfortable silence with occasional inputs from various people around the table. Often I had to ignore jibes from Gale, however as the meal went on he seemed to calm himself towards Peeta. It felt nice to have the people I cared about together, even if it was just one moment after weeks of turmoil. Hopefully it would be a sign of things to come. However, I think we all knew at that moment that it would just be the calm before the storm, and all of us had so much left to fight for.


	16. Chapter 16

Hey readers! Welcome back,and hello to any new readers!

I hope you all enjoyed the last chapter! Was good to hear some feedback off people! So a big thank-you to everyone who reviewed last chapter; **Emma4264, Destined627, Kitkatlogan **and a gust reviewer! I love hearing what you all think :)

Another huge thank-you to my amazing beta reader **ct522**, who (as always) did an amazing job this chapter.

Quick disclaimer - none of the characters etc belong to me, they are property of the amazing Suzanne Collins

Happy reading!

* * *

After finishing our meals we all bid each other goodnight and headed in our separate ways. Peeta tentatively slipped his hand into mine and gently guided me in the direction of his room. Johanna simply winked at us both before calling goodnight, she quickly took the hint that I wasn't heading back to our cabin straight away.

"So, training went well today?" Peeta asked as we made our way to his room. I could tell he still wasn't pleased that I was training to go to the Capitol, but I knew he wanted me to succeed.

"Yes, really well. Boggs has high hopes for me and Johanna." I smiled cautiously at him and gave his hand a small squeeze. I appreciated him supporting me even though he wasn't happy with what I was doing. "It was good to hear you've been busy today." I added.

"It was good to be busy," the smile on Peeta's face said it all. He'd practically been held prisoner during his time here – with the exception of making Finnick and Annie's cake. It was about time the doctors gave him some free reign. "It was even better to see everyone, it's been so long."

"Even Gale?" I added before I even though about it. I met Peeta's gaze with an uneasy smile, not sure if I'd crossed any kind of line. Instead Peeta just broke out into laughter, I soon found myself joining in. it was so infectious to hear his laugh, especially after everything he'd been through.

"Yes, even Gale." He nudged me lightly with his shoulder.

"It was nice of Delly to keep you company today." I added after Peeta's chuckle had died down.

Peeta nodded eagerly, "She's been great. It's been a while since she's been able to come see me though, so it was nice to spend time with her again."

"So will she be visiting you more often?" I asked hesitantly. As much as I liked her keeping Peeta company, it was slightly unsettling to hear how much her company pleased him.

"I hope so; she said she'd make sure to come round every day while you're training." He smiled lightly to himself and I felt the troubling feeling of jealousy begin to creep into my thoughts.

"Oh, that's nice." I replied flatly, my eyes falling to watch my feet as they made their way through the tunnels of Thirteen.

Peeta began to chuckle lowly under his breath. "I never thought I'd see the day…" he murmured. I looked up at him, burrowing my eyebrows questioningly. "Katniss Everdeen… Jealous." He smirked lightly and shook his head playfully.

"I am not jealous!" I insisted, although I didn't believe it myself.

It's okay; we'll keep it our little secret." He smirked playfully and gave my hand a light squeeze.

We soon found ourselves outside Peeta's hospital room. I noticed how his happy demeanour instantly began to falter as soon as he walked into the hospital ward. He really needed a room away from this place, but I knew the doctors would never agree to it.

"Close your eyes," Peeta instructed before he opened the door and slowly pulled me inside. "I've got a surprise for you, remember?" I tentatively followed his direction, luckily through my years of hunting I could still be aware of my surroundings- otherwise Peeta's uneven footing due to his prosthetic leg would've lead to us both tumbling to the ground. He pushed me lightly so that I sat on the edge of the bed before he moved across to the other side of the room.

"Right, you can open." He said after a while. He'd made his way back over to me and when I opened my eyes, and he held four cheese buns. I could still smell the enticing warmth of the bread and my mouth instantly watered at the sight of them. "They're your favourite, aren't they?" He asked after a while.

"Yeah," I smiled up at him. "You remembered," I murmured, feeling the happiness spread through my chest. It may have seemed like a simple act, but just the fact that he could remember my favourite food made me beam with happiness.

"It just came to me today while I was baking; I remembered making them for you before." He smiled shyly before holding the plate out for me to take one.

"Yeah you did," I took one of the rolls off the plate, bringing it to my nose to breath in the heavenly scent. "Thank-you Peeta, it was a lovely thought." I added before taking a hearty bite out of the bun. I moaned in appreciation as the beautiful taste flooded through my mouth. Only Peeta could make something so amazing. I couldn't help but think that my appreciation of Peeta as a person only heightened my opinions of his food. "It's amazing Peeta, as always." I beamed at him before quickly finishing off the bun, earning a chuckle from Peeta as I stuffed it into my mouth – forgetting my manners for a moment.

"I'm glad you like them." Peeta smiled softly at me before placing the plate on the side and taking a seat beside me. "I'll have to teach you how to make them sometime."

"I'd like that," I replied softly, taking his hand in mine and giving it a small squeeze. I knew my baking would never be anywhere near as good as Peeta's, but the opportunity to watch him work wasn't one I was going to miss.

"Well we'll have to make sure that's one of the first things we do when you're back from the Capitol." Peeta forces a small smile but I can see straight through it. He's still worried about me going, and to tell the truth as the day of departure was getting close I was beginning to get nervous. As much as I wanted to make Snow pay for what he'd done, what would happen if I didn't make it back from the Capitol? What would happen to Peeta? I felt as though my heart was falling out my chest at the thought of him being alone. He'd made so much progress and I couldn't imagine how he would react if I didn't make it back.

"Peeta," I took both his hands in mine and turned so I was facing him. "I want to thank-you for being supportive about me going to the Capitol. I knew it's hard for you." Peeta went to speak but I cut him off, I needed to have this conversation with him. "But we need to be realistic about this. Trust me; I am going to do everything in my power to come back to you. But I might not make it." Peeta's face fell as he realised where I was going with the conversation and I felt my throat closing up as I held back my emotions. "I just want you to promise me, that if I don't make it you won't waste your life thinking of me. I want you to live your life happy and free. I'm fighting for you, so you have to promise you won't let that go to waste."

"Katniss," he breathed out shakily, increasing the strength of his grasp on my hands. "You can't think like that. I know it's a possibility, but you're the Mockingjay, you have to come home. Everyone out there will have the job of protecting you; so don't let their hard work go to waste." He brought my hands to his lips and placed a firm kiss on them. Slowly a single tear rolled down his cheek and onto my hand. Its touch seemed to send a spike of cold through my hand, bringing me back to the reality of what I was doing. I was hurting him yet again without even meaning to.

"I'm sorry Peeta, I can't help it." I sighed before he pulled me closer and wrapped his arms around me in a tight embrace. His familiar muscular arms filled me with the sense of security I had dearly missed from him. I just wanted to curl up and stay this way until the war was over, the thought of leaving Peeta physically hurt. But it was something that needed to be done.

We soon found ourselves curled up under the sheets, our emotions physically exhausting us before we gave in to sleep. My dreams were haunted that night with images of war and fighting. I was in the Capitol; one by one I saw my team die, first Boggs, then Johanna, then Gale. Their deaths were all played in gruesome slow motion in front of me as they all screamed my name; it was my fault they were there. Emotionally shattered and covered in my friends' blood I made my way through the war zone, I had to find Snow. Their deaths had to be worth something. I reached Snow's mansion, only to be greeted by a figure covered in a black hooded cloak. Their face was hidden by the shadow cast upon their face. My instincts told me who it was, the only person it could be – Snow. He had killed my friends; he had ruined Peeta's life. He would pay. Without thinking I raised my gun and shot him straight in the chest. Relief flooded through my body as his corpse fell to the floor, a strangled cry leaving his lips moments before life was drained from him. As the body impacted with the stone floor his hood fell, revealing a mop of blonde hair.

"No!" I screamed. Peeta's head lolled to the side, his eyes still wide open exposing his beautiful blue eyes which were fading fast. I had killed Peeta; I was as much a monster as Snow.

* * *

I woke up screaming Peeta's name, quickly his arms found their way around my body and I clung to him with as much force as I could muster. The pain of losing him had felt so real, everything that had happened to Peeta since we were both entered the Hunger Games had been down to me and my actions. Slowly my actions were killing Peeta. Hot tears flooded down my cheeks as I buried my face into Peeta's shirt. His hands rubbed up and down my back slowly as he ushered comforting words.

"Katniss, it was just a dream. You're okay, I'm here." He murmured, burying his face into my hair and planting soft kisses on the top of my head. I began breathing in sharp gasps, trying to calm myself as I let reality sink in.

"You were dead," I managed to choke out in-between sobs. "I killed you."

"Katniss, slow down." Peeta slowly pulled me away from his grasp so he could look at me properly. "Look, I'm fine – you'd never hurt me. Just tell me what you dreamt."

I reached over and placed a hand on his cheek, slowly running my thumb along his soft skin. I felt the need to confirm that he was actually in front of me. All those months of thinking Peeta was dead was nothing compared to seeing him die. I breathed out slowly and held my hands tightly together trying to compose myself before I began to explain my dream to Peeta. Throughout my explanation I noticed him tense; I couldn't imagine it was nice hearing that you had been shot by someone you cared about. Once I finished my story I looked up to meet Peeta's eyes, only his never returned my gaze. They had turned blank and glazed over, like he wasn't focusing on the room anymore.

"Peeta, are you alright?" I asked, it felt weird to be asking such a question when it was me who had suffered from the nightmare.

"I guess you got what you wanted." He suddenly snarled after a few moments of silence. His eyes finally looked up at me and I noticed the blackness of them. It was only then that I realised he was clenching his fists tightly and they had begun to shake. "You finally got to kill me, they were right; it's what you had been planning all along."

"No, Peeta, it was just a dream." I cried, desperately trying to amend the situation before it got out of hand. I reached forward to place my hand on his arm. "I would never hurt you."

Peeta hissed as my hand touched him, as if the contact alone hurt him. He quickly edge away from my touch. "And why not?" He spat, suddenly rising from the bed. "All you've ever done is lie to me and plot against me. They were right – I can't trust you."

"Peeta, please." I murmured as he rounded the bed to the side I was sat on. I quickly rose so I was standing and backed away from him. I had never felt fear towards Peeta except the time he had strangled me, and I was beginning to feel the same emotions at this moment.

"You're just a manipulator Katniss, it's what you do. You pretended to love me. Who says you're not pretending now?" Peeta suddenly lunged towards me, this time however I was more alert and quickly sprung out of his reach. I let out an ear piercing screech – for a moment it seemed to trigger something in his mind and he paused, blinking rapidly as if my Peeta was trying to fight his way through. However the Capitol-created Peeta proved to fight a tougher battle and he was soon descending upon me again. I darted across the room and hit the emergency alarm for hospital security. There was no talking Peeta out of this episode.

Moments later three security guards crashed through the door and dived on Peeta, quickly pinning him down to the bed before they strapped several restraints around him. Peeta began thrashing against the straps and screaming at me.

"Peeta I'm so sorry," I cried, tears were streaming down my face. I hated seeing him like this, it wasn't him and he didn't deserve to be treated like an animal. At least the Capitol-made Peeta understood what an awful person I had been, unlike my Peeta who was always so kind and gentle towards me. Dr Aurelius soon joined us in the room and rushed over to me, placing a hand on my shoulder to steady me as I sobbed uncontrollably.

"Katniss, calm down. Are you hurt?" He quickly blurted out at once, his attention darting between me and the boy thrashing about behind him.

"I'm fine," I quickly assured him, placing my arms in Dr Aurelius' eye line and turning them so he could see there were no injuries on me. "I had a nightmare that I killed Peeta, it must've triggered an episode when I told him about it."

Dr Aurelius let out a shaky breath and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Katniss, you need to think more about the things you say to him. These episodes aren't just going to vanish, there's still a part of Peeta that thinks you are out to hurt him." I felt an instant stab of guilt hearing this, Peeta fought every day to remain calm and try and enjoy a normal life, and I had just thrown a spanner into his progress by thinking about myself yet again.

We were disturbed when Fern quickly rushed into the room and called to Dr Aurelius on directions on what to do next.

"Call for Delly Cartwright," Dr Aurelius instructed her, "Peeta needs a calming figure that he knows right now." He quickly turned to me and sighed. "Katniss, I think you should leave. You can wait outside but he needs you out of his sight."

The pain in my chest seemed to amplify a thousand times at this. I was no use to Peeta; I couldn't help him in his weakest state because I was the person who caused it. However Delly could, she had been no one to Peeta except an old childhood friend, and now she was a supportive figure for him. Something it seemed I would never be. He deserved someone who could offer him that support. I quickly nodded to Dr Aurelius before rushing out the room.

I watched helplessly from the observation room as Peeta fought against the restraints. Eventually Delly walked into the room, she was strangely calm as she made her way over to Peeta and instantly began hushing him softly. His eyes locked onto her and his whole body began to relax. Soon the two of them were conversing, albeit very disjointedly. I watched as Peeta's eyes slowly began to calm and his bright blue irises began to make their way past the clouds which had been blinding them. I looked at Delly in awe; she'd managed to keep her cool so easy with Peeta, even when others around her were panicking. I couldn't help but feel a stab of jealousy that Peeta could willingly come back to her, yet I just seemed to push him further into his episodes. I wasn't what he needed. He needed someone like Delly; calm, caring, and consistent. I was just a constant trigger to the pain in his life. I could see what Haymitch had meant all those months ago when he had told me I didn't deserve Peeta. I'd had the chance to change before, and now it was too late. It was as though Peeta's mind could no longer allow us to be together. The sound of Delly's light laughter made its way through the glass and I knew I couldn't watch anymore. Without a word to anyone I left the room and made my way back to my cabin.

* * *

I couldn't shake the thought, even during training the next day. I couldn't imagine my life without Peeta, except I was starting to realise the harsh truth – we didn't have a future together.

"Katniss, what's with you?" Johanna shouted, causing me to jump back to reality. We were in the middle of a training exercise, and it seemed I was failing miserably.

"Sorry, I just had a rough night." I murmured, picking up my gun from the floor and beginning to try and assemble it quickly before anyone noticed.

"What? You and lover-boy have a spat?" She asked sarcastically. I just looked at her, exhausted with even thinking about the situation. Johanna seemed to sense it wasn't a joking matter and didn't push the subject any further. "We need to focus today Katniss, we're training in the Block later. This could be our chance to prove we're good enough to go to the Capitol."

The Block is an artificial Capitol street built deep in district Thirteen; its purpose is to simulate street combat. Johanna was right, if we were going to prove ourselves. This would be a good stepping stone. Later that day we're taken down to The Block for training, there we met up with Gale and Boggs who were going through the activity with us.

"Right girls; just remember this thing is designed to make sure everything goes wrong. It's to test you in the harshest conditions we could face. This is your chance to really prove yourselves." Boggs tell us as we prepare ourselves.

"In fact you can prove yourselves to the whole of Panem." Gale adds, I look up at him curiously and he points to the film crew setting themselves up on a balcony overlooking The Block. "Plutarch managed to get clearance for Cressida to film the whole thing. It'll be great for a propo." I feel the added pressure of getting it right after this; this was a chance to prove to Snow that I wasn't going to go down without a fight, and a change to make Coin see I was worth having faith in.

"Room for one more?" A voice suddenly interrupts up. I turn round to see Finnick standing behind me – all geared up with a gun poised in his hand.

"What are you doing here?" I ask, although I can't deny I am happy to see him. Finnick had become a good friend during our time in Thirteen, and I had relied on him greatly in the Quarter Quell. If I had to trust someone with my life, he would definitely make the short list.

"I've been training with another group, but I was speaking to Gale the other day and we managed to get me transferred to work with you guys." Finnick smiled broadly at us, earning a jab in the gut from Johanna.

"Well, thanks for telling me!" She cried before breaking out into a bright smile herself.

Our instructor soon set us off in our group to tackle The Block. We attempted to carry out several missions; gaining a position, destroying a target, searching a home – it was objectives we would be given in the Capitol. Afterwards Boggs complimented me and Johanna on our progress and assured our tapes will be sent directly to Coin. Johanna gave me a satisfied grin at this, we were finally proving ourselves. Later that day we moved onto the firing range, I could tell my aim had greatly improved since the start of training, and Johanna was also excelling. It felt great to know the progress we were making, and there was also the release of adrenaline which helped make me forget about all the confusion in my head at the moment. I had one focus while I was shooting; every shot was one closer to Snow.

We were interrupted when Boggs shouted for us all to cease fire. Finnick and Gale complained loudly as they were in the middle of some manly competition of who could get the most shots on target. We'd all gelled together great as a group; it was comforting to know it would be my friends I was trusting my life with once we were out there.

"I've just got a quick announcement, and then you can go back to firing." Boggs laughed lowly at the boys as they already began to jostle their guns between their hands, getting restless. "We have an addition to our training group." We all just stare at him confused, why would we need another person for training? Our group was getting ready to depart for the Capitol; we all had our roles sorted and knew how each other worked. An addition to this could through it all off balance.

Slowly the large bolted doors at the back of the room opened and in walked our new recruit. My heart sank once I saw the familiar blonde mop of Peeta's hair. I noticed Johanna freeze beside me as he walked closer and the light settled on his face.

"What are you doing here?" I asked sharply


	17. Chapter 17

Hello all! Hope you are enjoying the story so far.

Sorry for the delay in writing this chapter, I started back at uni the last couple of weeks and have been mega busy!

It was a little quiet on the review front again last chapter, I hope this wasnt a bad sign! Please let me know what you think - even if you think some things could improve. But as always a big thankyou to my reviewers **kitkatlogan **and **destined627**

A big thanks to my beta reader **ct522 **as always you did a great job!

Quick disclaimer - none of the characters etc belong to me, they are property of the amazing Suzanne Collins

Happy reading!

* * *

"Nice to see you too, Katniss." Peeta joked, but I wasn't in the mood for laughing. Why would he even be here? There was no way I was letting him come to the Capitol.

"This isn't a laughing matter, Mellark." Gale spat, suddenly losing the light-hearted attitude he had only moments ago. I gave him a sharp glare, warning him to back off. I would handle things with Peeta; I didn't need Gale saying anything to offend him.

"It's for the cameras," Boggs interjected. "Peeta didn't have much of a choice. They just want to get some shots of him training, show he's on our side. Plus they haven't got any footage of the two of you together." I looked to Peeta for confirmation and he just nodded hesitantly. I felt slightly guilty that they had resorted to this just to get a shot of the pair of us. Obviously cameras weren't allowed in Peeta's hospital room, and that had been the only place we'd spent much time together.

"But he won't be coming to the Capitol?" I ask urgently, ignoring Peeta's obvious annoyance at being ignored in the conversation. I didn't need him trying to talk his way around the situation.

"No, I've been assured of that. He's too much of a risk." Boggs gave Peeta a small shrug, obviously feeling bad about referring to him as a risk. But I could tell Peeta was used to it by now.

"Good," Gale spat before turning his back on us all. "Now can we get back to the important stuff? We need to get Katniss and Johanna ready for their assessments."

The rest of training was awkward and unproductive. Peeta was mostly given direction on how to look, instead of being allowed to get involved in the action. Meanwhile Gale seemed determined to exclude him at all costs, stating that he wasn't a part of our squad. I couldn't blame him for that; we don't have time to amuse Plutarch and his camera crew. But when I see the look of determination on Peeta's face as he tries to assemble a gun I can't help but feel my heart plummet. I'm reminded of our time in the training centre in our days before being sent to the Hunger Games for the first time - when I got to see the true extent of his strength. However now there was always that underlying fatigue in his actions. His fight for recovery affected his every motion, but he didn't let it get the best of him.

"Here," I murmured as I approached him. I gently took one of his hands and glided it in place so that the gun clicked together. "You almost had it," I encouraged, forcing a small smile. Things were awkward between us, they were bound to be. We hadn't spoken since his last episode. Although I never blamed him for what happened while he experienced flashbacks, it didn't make the memory disappear. It was so hard to watch him in those situations; it wasn't the Peeta I knew.

"Thanks," he mumbled, not quite able to meet my gaze. I could tell something was bothering him. "I'm sorry for coming Katniss; I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. When Plutarch suggested it I couldn't turn down the chance to see you train." He blushed lightly while keeping his attention fully focused on the assembled gun in his hands. "Plus, I wanted to apologise for the other day."

"Don't apologise Peeta, you've done nothing of the sort." I placed my hand on top of his and his eyes slowly lifted to meet mine. "I just don't want you to get hurt." I assured him. I wasn't comfortable in any situation which allowed Peeta in harm's way. I couldn't dismiss the niggling feeling that he had been brought to training for a deeper reason than for the cameras. "And don't you dare apologise for your episodes Peeta. I want us to just move on from them. I should apologise to you for bringing up something which would trigger them. I'm sorry I was so careless."

"No, Katniss." Peeta murmured. He moved his hand so that it was clutching mine. "I don't want you to think you can't talk to me about things because it might upset me. I just need to make sure it doesn't get the better of me." He smiled hesitantly before placing a soft kiss on my hand. I felt my cheeks redden and my eyes darting round the room, but no one was interested in what we were doing. "I want us to be able to talk like we used to." He murmured, sadness seemed to radiate from his eyes as he said it.

"We can Peeta, I promise we will more from now on." I placed a hand on the back of his neck so he looked up at me. "I don't sleep well without you at night. You are the only person who keeps my nightmares away." I blushed furiously at this. It was hard for me to admit things like that but it was true. Although I had shared a couple of nights with Peeta since he was back in Thirteen. I missed having him by my side every night, who would be there when I woke up screaming, who could hold me until the tears had dried up. Only Peeta had ever given me that kind of comfort.

We were interrupted when one of Coin's head soldiers walked over and called for me and Johanna. I felt my heart plummet, fearing the worst. Our training had been under high observation today and chances were we hadn't been deemed strong enough to go to the Capitol. I didn't know what would happen to the rest of our squad if we didn't make it, they'd hedged all their bets on us. Unexpectedly we're told we've been recommended for the exam and were to report immediately. Once the solider has left us Johanna lets out a loud 'whoop' of excitement before we're flooded with encouraging advice from the others. Peeta stood away from the group slightly but I could make out his small smile of encouragement. I felt slightly guilty that I had jumped down his throat about coming to the Capitol when he was supporting me in my decision to go – even if he hated the idea. I didn't have chance to speak to Peeta before Johanna roughly grasped my arm and tugged me in the direction of the exam. I knew how much this meant to her – training to go to the Capitol had given her something to work towards instead of wallowing in the hospital ward, allowing herself to succumb to a morphling addiction. The drive had evidently come back to her.

There were four parts to the exam; an obstacle course to assess physical condition, a written tactics exam, a test of weapons proficiency, and a simulated combat situation in The Block. I didn't have time to get nervous for the first three and do well but there was a backlog at the Block due to some kind of technical bug they were working through. As we waited, people began to mutter about what to expect in the Block. I heard from one boy that it targets your biggest vulnerability. As I thought about my weaknesses I began to pile up an endless list of things that could be thrown at me. I wasn't the best soldier by a long shot. I'd only done a small percentage of the training that others had done, and I was a constant target for the Capitol.

Johanna was called ahead of me, and by the time it's my turn to tackle the Block I found I'd completely worked myself up about the situation – trying to over analyse everything that happened. Luckily moments after the simulation started I found my instincts kicked in and some of the things I had learnt from training began to flood back to me. I'm been given an ambush situation for my simulation. The first part of the simulation I flew through – easily navigating the street and taking out Peacekeepers as I went. Things began to get interesting once I was a couple of buildings away from my goal. Half a dozen Peacekeepers came charging around the corner. I knew they would outgun me and I realised this must be my task, I'm completely unprepared compared to other soldiers and I needed to prove I could handle myself in the most extreme situations. That's when I noticed the drum of petrol lying carelessly in the gutter. That was my way out, I had to shoot the target, it was my only way to complete the mission. But just as I stepped out to aim at the drum I noticed my squadron leader ordering me to drop to the ground. Initially I ignored him; I had to prove to everyone that I wasn't some weak teenage girl who couldn't handle herself. Just as I was about to pull the trigger the realisation hit me. My weakness wasn't my physical strength or my lack of training; it was my inability to follow orders. It always had been - I'd done it time and time again. Back at home in Twelve I ignored orders everyday not to cross the fence to go hunting, in the first Hunger Games I ignored orders about engaging in the fighting next to the Cornucopia, yet I still did it. Even my actions in District Two had defied orders. I was a risk to my squad if I didn't prove that I could be part of a team and follow the orders given to me. That is what I had to prove.

I smacked myself to the ground so hard I'm sure the gravel had ground itself into my chin. It immediately began to burn from the graze but I ignored it as moments after the petrol drum was blown up by another member of the squadron. I realised then how close I had been to failing the whole test. I quickly picked myself off the ground and made my way to the rendezvous point. I had done it; I had completed the test and proven myself. I couldn't hide the giddy smile that exploded onto my face as I walked out the Block and was congratulated by a soldier who quickly stamped my hand with the number 451. I knew this was the squad Gale was assigned to. I had done it; I was going to the Capitol.

I ran back to training as fast as my feet could carry me. I was ecstatic; I had been convinced Coin would do everything in her power to make sure I never left for the Capitol. I guessed she had realised the power of having the Mockingjay in the field. I had made the giant step closer to finding Snow and making him accountable for his actions. That was the point in all of this; I knew if I was stuck here in Thirteen I'd never have the chance to face him before someone else dealt with him. He had hurt so many people and I knew any soldier who came across him would act rashly. But it was different when you had been affected like us Victors had. It was a pain that needed confronting otherwise it would haunt us for the rest of our lives. I needed to make sure every Victor had the chance to receive their closure, and I was going to be the one to deliver it.

I was greeted by a room full of wide smiles. Obviously everyone had already been informed of my success in the Block. I ran across the room into Gale's open arms and he swung me round in a circle. Finnick laughed loudly behind us while Boggs just shook his head, although I could still see the smirk playing on his lips.

"Well done Catnip, I knew you could do it!" Gale cried before releasing me back onto my feet.

I quickly thank him before receiving a pat on the back from Boggs. A gruff voice from behind me interrupts the moment.

"Haymitch?" I spun round to face him, noticing the small smile of his face. He quickly straightened his expression once I was looking at him and I just shook my head lightly, we were both so similar in our unwillingness to show any sign of warmth towards each other.

"I heard about your exam. Well done sweetheart." I could've sworn I saw a look of pride in his eyes before it quickly disappeared. I slowly nodded at him, unable to think of any words to thank him. Without Haymitch I wouldn't be here. He's always been in the background fighting my corner, no matter what stupid stunt I pulled.

"Katniss, where's Johanna?" Finnick suddenly interrupted us. It was only then that I looked round the room. Both Peeta and Johanna were missing. I assumed Peeta had been taken somewhere for filming but I didn't understand where Johanna could've been. She had entered the Block before me and must've finished by the time I went it. She should've been back here by now. Unless she was spreading her good news around the whole of the district.

"Johanna's back in the hospital." Haymitch answered flatly. The happy glint from his eyes had instantly vanished,

"What happened?" I asked quickly, stepping closer to Haymitch. "Was she hurt?"

"No, she wasn't hurt." Haymitch paused for a moment, sighing loudly. "They flooded the street in the Block." He offered as means of explanation. I felt Finnick physically sink beside me but I didn't understand, Johanna could swim – so what would be the problem with water? Haymitch seemed to sense my confusion and continued; "they tortured her with water in the Capitol. They soaked her then used electric shocks. She had some kind of flashback while she was in the Block and didn't know where she was so they've put her back under sedation."

I feel the gasp involuntarily leave my body. How could I not have known something so terrible had happened to her? I'd been so wrapped up in the own life that I hadn't even stopped to ask Johanna or Peeta what had really happened in the Capitol. I could see now the true extent of her need to act revenge on Snow. Now it looked like she wouldn't have the chance.

"You two should go see her," Haymitch looked between Finnick and I, "you're about the closest thing to friends she has." Finnick quickly drops the gun he's holding and strides towards the door. I move to follow him when Boggs shouts my name.

"Katniss, you should know. Some soldiers came to take Peeta earlier; Coin's commanded he take the exam today as well." I feel the anger seeping through my body. What would Peeta need to take the exam for? He wasn't going to the Capitol. I had assumed Coin had some kind of ulterior motive to all this, and now I knew my suspicions were right. Dread suddenly filled my body at the thought of Peeta in a war-like was much feistier than Peeta, and she had been reduced to sedation in a hospital wing. There was no telling how Peeta would react. I quickly looked at Haymitch and noticed the worried expression on his face.

"You two should go to him," Finnick walked back towards us and placed a hand on my shoulder. I went to protest but he cut me off. "Johanna might not even be awake, I'll go see her, she'll understand." I didn't need telling twice, I quickly looked at Haymitch before the two of us practically sprinted out the room.

"Where's Peeta?" I cried when I reached the entrance to the Block, I couldn't see him waiting outside and just hoped someone had seen sense and not let him go inside.

"Katniss," the same soldier which had stamped my hand called me over. "What are you doing here? You've already passed your exam."

I quickly walked over to him, ignoring the mutters coming from the young soldiers waiting for their turn. "Have you seen Peeta Mellark? He's been sent here and he shouldn't have been." I asked the soldier. Haymitch had headed over to the control room of the Block to find out what was going on.

"He's in there now," he answered; he must've noticed the look of worry on my face as his brows furrowed in confusion. "Is there a problem?"

"Yes, you need to stop the simulation; he's not mentally stable for this." I cried exasperated, everyone in Thirteen must know Peeta's situation, how had he been allowed into the Block in the first place?

"I'm sorry, Katniss, he's been given clearance." The soldier looked at me sheepishly, obviously scared of a backlash. He quickly interrupted me before I could react, "You can go to the control room and talk to them about it. There's nothing I can do."

I huffed loudly at the soldier before rushing to the control room; I just hoped Haymitch had been able to sort the situation. I didn't understand what clearance Peeta had been given, you weren't allowed to film in the Block apart from the cameras set up for observation purposes. So Plutarch couldn't have wormed his way into getting footage from it. When I reached the control room, Haymitch was already seated in front of a large monitor with his head in his hands.

"What's going on?" I quickly asked him, everyone else in the room seemed to ignore me – they'd probably expected to see me if Peeta and Haymitch were around. I looked up at the monitor – not much was going on. I just hoped Haymitch had got him out before it started.

"The orders were from Coin. There's nothing we can do." He answered simply. I felt the colour drain from my face. I had hoped the whole thing was a misunderstanding, or we hadn't been given the whole picture. But it seemed for some reason, Coin wanted Peeta in the action, and we couldn't do anything to stop her.

"What does she want with Peeta?" I asked Haymitch, he just shrugged his shoulders. I hadn't suspected he'd know any more than I did. Coin knew Haymitch cared about me and Peeta; she wouldn't let him in on any plans to train him. "But he can't fight; he hasn't even had any training." I recalled how much of a hard time Coin had given me when I'd wanted to join the war-effort. I had trained for two weeks straight to meet her standards. Now she'd just decided she wanted Peeta to join in on the action. There had to be another reason, any other reason than him being sent to the Capitol – my suspicions quickly kicked in, I wasn't going to let her play with Peeta just to get to me.

"We'll soon see what he's capable of," Haymitch muttered. He motioned to the screen as movement began in the Block. I slowly moved over to Haymitch and took a seat beside him. I wasn't sure I could handle watching Peeta in this situation. I felt I needed to protect him, and all I could do was watch him suffer.

Peeta soon appeared on the screen, straight away I could tell he was holding his gun wrong. He clumsily made his way through the street, every loud bang made him jump a mile. However, slowly he began to find a slight rhythm. I found myself smiling as he took out a Peacekeeper, before I reminded myself that if it was up to Coin, he would have to do this is a real life situation. Peeta reached the halfway point of the simulation, and it was then I realised it was time to target his weakness. I knew straight away what Peeta's weakness was – his flashbacks, and one of the most fool proof ways of getting Peeta to have a flashback involved me. I watched cautiously as the atmosphere became more intense in the Block, it was darker and the noises were louder. I could already see Peeta was getting distressed, but this wasn't what they wanted to test him on. They wanted to see how he would cope with a full-blown flashback.

"Haymitch, we need to stop this. It's not right!" I clutched onto his arm tightly and he just stared me down with an exhausted expression.

"There's nothing we can do except stick around when it all kicks off." He sighed, redirecting his attention to the monitor. I noticed him slip a small flask from his pocket and take a hearty swig from it. I was tempted to ask him for some myself until something on the screen grabbed my attention.

Standing alongside Peeta in the Block was a hologram of me. I didn't know how or when the makers of the Block had developed the copy, but they were so lifelike that it was as if I were staring into a mirror. The only give away was how robotic my responses to situations were. Soon though I began to see where they were going with the situation. The hologram of me was captured by a Peacekeeper with a gun pointed at my head. I could see the clear panic on Peeta's face and at a close glance I noticed his pupils had widened considerably. He was already on the edge of a flashback; I couldn't imagine how real it would feel to him. Peeta's squadron leader was shouting at him to lower his weapon, but he had it pointed clearly at the Peacekeeper. He had already failed his mission by ignoring his leader. That thought filled me with slight hope, they didn't need to carry on getting him to expose his weakness, Peeta wouldn't cope in the Capitol. However, they didn't stop the simulation. Peeta pulled the trigger, however Peeta's lack of practice with a gun soon shone through and the bullet hit my hologram. I gasped slightly at the realism of it, the blood spewed from the wound with an amazing realism. I was only distracted from the image when I heard Peeta's screams.

"Katniss, no!" He cried, the tears streaming from his eyes – which were completely black by now. I was shocked that hurting me would send him into a flashback. I had expected the hologram to attack Peeta, the thought of me hurting him had always brought on his flashbacks. Soon I could see the anger radiating from Peeta's body – he was visibly shaking. He threw his gun across the street with such force that it smashed the bricks on one of the buildings opposite him. He began throwing himself around, throwing whatever he could get his hands on, punching anything within his reach.

"Someone help him!" I screamed, Haymitch had jumped from his seat and darted over to the control panel. He pushed the soldier aside who had been controlling it and began pushing buttons until the simulation shut down. The soldiers finally realised the danger of the situation and began piling into the block to pin Peeta down. It was one time I had been happy to see him restrained. As much as I hated seeing him being treated like an animal, I hated seeing him hurt himself even more. I rushed across the room to the door before Haymitch stuck his arm in front of me.

"Katniss, do you really think seeing your face will help him right now?" I felt my heart sink. All I wanted to do was run over to him and hold him until he calmed down. They had made him believe he had killed me! He needed comforting that it was all a simulation. But the look on Haymitch's face made me realise he had a point. The last thing I needed to do was work him up even more. He was already going through enough turmoil. Haymitch noticed the disheartened look on my face, "Look sweetheart, just go see Johanna for a bit. As soon as Peeta's calmed down you can go see him." I just nodded my head numbly and watched helpless as Haymitch ran downstairs to help the soldiers escort Peeta back to his room.

It was then that I realised; Peeta's weakness wasn't his flashbacks. His weakness would always be me.


	18. Chapter 18

Hello readers old and new! Hope you're all enjoying the story, and enjoy this chapter!

Again, sorry for the delay. I may be a bit slow at updating for a while as I just have hardly any time to write due to uni and work

A big thank-you to my reviewers; **DA8638, Kitkatlogan and Destined627** it's always amazing to hear what readers think! Please, all let me knew what you think of the story :)

And as always a massive thanks to my beta readers **ct522!**

Quick disclaimer - none of the characters etc belong to me, they are property of the amazing Suzanne Collins

Happy reading!

* * *

I headed towards the hospital ward and forced myself to do as I was told. Instead of heading towards Peeta's room I told myself to find Johanna. It was the second time in one day I'd gone against my natural actions and actually listened to orders given to me. Maybe I was turning over a new leaf, or I'd just become too tired of fighting against people anymore. I eventually found the door to Johanna's room. A small chart was hung up outside with her name on but no medical notes were made on it. I guess there was no way of describing what she or Peeta went through. There was no medical explanation for it; they were just broken from the inside. I slowly opened her door and was met by a pair of widened eyes. She looked more cautious than usual, maybe even scared. It didn't feel right to see Johanna this way. She was always so strong and abrasive. I couldn't imagine the suffering she'd been through in the Capitol – the thought made me shudder. Especially as the realisation hit me that Peeta could've been subjected to similar pain.

"Katniss," she murmured hoarsely. I realised then that I had been staring and slowly crossed the room to her. "Two visitors in one day, aren't I lucky." The statement would've usually felt so full of the sarcastic punch Johanna threw into ever sentence. But it sounded almost weak; there was no laughter behind it. The whole situation was wrong.

"Finnick already left then?" I asked awkwardly. I didn't really know how to approach the situation. Johanna wasn't the kind of person who liked her weaknesses pointed out to her.

She nodded slowly, "He had to go see Annie." I saw a small glint of sadness in her eyes. Without Finnick or me, Johanna was alone. Like so many people were now. Suddenly something seemed to snap in Johanna's mind and she dove forward to seize my wrist in her grasp. "You have to kill him Katniss." She said almost breathlessly. I immediately know who she's on about – the man who had caused her all this pain.

"I will," I answered simply, ignoring the need to pull my arm from her grasp. I can allow her this one thing after what she'd been through today.

"Swear it. On something you care about." She hissed. I was confused how she could doubt me, but yet again I found myself amusing her. I wasn't fighting for me anymore, not even for Peeta. I was fighting for Johanna as well. She'd been denied the opportunity to go to the Capitol, I wouldn't squander the chance I'd been given.

"I swear it. On my life." I promised, but this didn't seem to satisfy her.

"On your family's life. On Peeta's life." She insisted. I ignored the niggling feeling to comment on the fact she'd grouped Peeta with equal importance to my family. I had no argument for it. Peeta meant so much to me now; Johanna knew that swearing on his life was enough of a promise.

"I swear." I promised again. This time Johanna accepted my word and dropped her hand from my arm.

I stayed with Johanna well into the evening. If I hadn't passed the exam to go to the Capitol I knew I'd have been inconsolable. I also knew if I wasn't busy I would spend the rest of the evening pacing back and forth in my cabin until I was able to see Peeta. I was still desperate to check on how he was doing. It wasn't until Johanna kicked me out of her room, obviously having filled her social interaction quota for the day, that I made my way over to Peeta's room. I took my time getting to his room, fighting every urge I had to run there. It was only then that I began to take in the hospital setting around me; every time I had been here I'd been in a rush either to get out of the ward or to get to Peeta's room. Now I was realising how sterile the place was. Everything looked like it had been given a white wash and the only sound you could hear was the constant beeping of the machinery. I'd only been walking through the ward for a few minutes and I was already sick of the sight of it. I couldn't fathom how Peeta had put up with it for so long; surely such an environment could only hinder his progress.

After that thought I found my pace quickening and soon I was outside Peeta's room. I paused for a moment – debating whether to check in the observation room first to ask if I could see him, but then I decided I had been obedient enough for one day. I had waited to see Peeta for hours; I wasn't going to wait any longer. I quickly pushed the door open; thankfully the room wasn't full of doctors or security monitoring him. I took this as a good sign and walked across the room, Peeta lay on top of his made bed. He lay on his side with one of his arms draped over the edge – his eyes were closed and he was breathing deeply but I could tell he wasn't asleep. His face hadn't regained its innocent charm which he adorned in the depths of sleep, and his hair was arranged neatly across his forehead like he had recently run his hands through it.

"Peeta," I murmured as I neared the end of his bed, I didn't want to startle him as he was obviously thinking about something. His eyes slowly flutter open and they soon focused on me.

"Katniss," he croaked. His voice seemed hoarse from the shouting he had done earlier.

"How are you feeling?" I asked softly, I quickly positioned myself so I was sitting on the edge of the bed and my hand soon found its way into his hair, slowly pulling through the knots which had tangled his hair.

"Horrible," he replied, laughing lightly. "I feel like I've been hit in the head." He groaned lightly as he tried to shift his position. I placed my other hand on his shoulder, signally him to stay still.

"Do you remember what happened?" I asked cautiously, I didn't want to bring up the episode if it would trigger another one.

"Yes," he murmured, his cheeks flushing lightly in embarrassment. I hated that he always felt ashamed of his episodes; it wasn't like he had brought them on himself. "I'm sorry Katniss, I hate that you have to see me like that."

"Don't you dare apologise." I cut him off. I moved my hand so I could trace along his jaw lines. "They provoked you on purpose to get a reaction out of you. It's not your fault."

Peeta sighed, his brows furrowed slightly in anger. "I hate thinking people can use that against me."

"I do too," I murmured. All I ever wanted to do was protect Peeta, and today I'd failed him. Peeta began to shift under my hands and slowly he lifted himself so he was sitting upright next to me.

"Well, at least you won't have to worry about them sending me to the Capitol now." He smiled softly, obviously trying to make light of the situation.

"There is that." I smiled back at him; he didn't understand what a relief it was for me to know that Coin couldn't send Peeta with us. There was no way she could get clearance after he'd clearly failed the exam. I didn't know what I would do if Peeta was put in danger like that.

I found the sharp pain in my chest returning as I thought of Peeta getting hurt. I had always promised him that I would protect him, and now more than ever I planned to keep that promise. I couldn't explain why Peeta meant so much to me; I knew it was much more than just a friendship. Was it because we had gone through such tragedy together, yet we had the opportunity to come out the other side? Or was it purely because I cared about him – deeper than a victor would care for a fellow victor, or a friend would feel for another friend. I had to accept it, I did have feelings for Peeta, I didn't know how these feelings were supposed to feel – or whether I had interpreted them right. But I knew that a world without Peeta would be the end of me. Peeta seemed to sense me staring at him and smiled nervously. His small smile made me feel as though my stomach had flipped upside down. His actions so easily influenced my emotions, and for once I was willing to allow someone to do that to me. It wasn't like my friendship with Gale – I had always kept that closed off to the possibility of more. Even during the time we'd been together I hadn't been able to fully convince myself that it worked.

"Katniss, are you alright?" Peeta's question broke me from my train of thought. I just laughed lightly and nodded my head in reply.

"Peeta, you know I care about you, don't you?" I blurted out suddenly. He creased his forehead in confusion. "I don't want anyone to make you believe otherwise. Not Gale, Coin, or even Snow. I want you to always remember that I care."

"Katniss, where is this coming from?" Peeta asked lightly as he took my hands in his. "You've stuck with me through so much, I know you care."

"I just wanted to make sure," I murmured. I paused for a moment, about to second guess my actions. Before I had chance my body reacted to my impulses and I moved closer to Peeta. Very slowly my lips found his. He froze at first, processing the situation. I knew it would be a long time until Peeta stopped second guessing any physical displays of emotion I showed him but I held my lips against his until he softened to my actions. Our lips moved slowly together, the kiss never met the intensity of previous ones we had shared – it didn't need to. It was sweet and full of emotion which I could never find the words to say.

I found myself out of breath when we pulled away from each other. Peeta cupped my burning cheeks with his cool hands and smiled softly at me. Right at that moment the actions of the day seemed to catch up with me and a yawn – which I desperately tried to stifle – managed to escape my lips. Peeta laughed lowly, the depth of his chuckle made the butterflies flutter in my stomach.

"You should get some sleep." He said softly as his hands moved from my cheeks to rest at the base of my neck.

"Only if you come with me." I replied, barely above a whisper. Peeta looked at me questioningly. I couldn't bear leaving him in this sterile room tonight. "Johanna has to stay in the ward tonight. There's a spare bed in my room." I explained, although I didn't plan on sleeping in a separate bed to him, I wouldn't deny myself the comfort that his strong arms would always give me.

"I don't know if I can." Peeta replied and his eyes saddened. "What would Dr Aurelius say?"

I sighed playfully at him and grabbed his wrist before standing up from the bed. "Let's find out." I smirked at him, pulling him towards the door. "I've obeyed enough orders for one day."

* * *

The cabins here are… nice." Peeta remarked on mine and Johanna's cabin. I just shrugged at his comment - you couldn't exactly describe the living conditions in Thirteen as homely but people tried their best. Mine and Johanna's was a bad example since I only had a couple of belongings from home – my mother had most of the family items in her cabin, and Johanna hardly had any possessions at all. But I knew even the slightest hint of home was better than staying in that hospital ward.

"The best thing about them is sharing a room with Johanna." I remarked lightly, Johanna had actually been a bearable roommate – we both gave each other space and she would talk sense into me. It had been a welcome break to have someone giving it to me bluntly rather than hiding the truth – it seemed I could only get honestly from Johanna and Haymitch these days.

"I bet she's a delight in the early mornings." Peeta chuckled lowly. I had to laugh at that, waking up Johanna for training was certainly not the most pleasant part of my day.

"Well, make yourself at home; I'm going to get ready for bed." I gathered my night clothes and headed into the bathroom. I indulged myself in a hot shower, the exam earlier hadn't been tame and my body had suffered for it. It felt good to have the hot water soothing my muscles and washing away the grime for the day – if only a shower could wash away all the problems of the day as well. I reminded myself that I had company and forced myself away from the steamy haven. I quickly towel dried my hair and ran my hands through the tousled mess – it was only when I caught my reflection in the mirror that I saw how much the past few weeks had taken it out of me. Sure, I didn't look as bad as I had on my arrival in Thirteen, but I had undeniable dark circles forming under my eyes and my skin had turnedsallow from the lack of sunlight. My hair, which my prep team had attempted to tame for the propos, had returned to its usual condition. I couldn't understand what Peeta saw in me, I didn't possessthe natural grace of other girls – the only look I'd ever strived for was the quickest and easiest. My daily routine had only ever involved plaiting my hair and throwing on my hunting gear. Obviously in Twelve looks hadn't been the highest priority, but girls usually tried to make themselves look presentable. I however hadn't even owned a dress until I had been given them by Cinna.

I spent a few minutes trying to tame my tangled mane of hair before giving up and stepping out of the bathroom. Peeta was sitting on the edge of my bed while looking at the few possessions I had scattered across my bedside table. I noticed he had changed into a pair of bottoms to sleep in but had left his chest bare. I felt a rush of warmth in my cheeks as my eyes found his bare skin, for someone who had never purposefully worked on his body; Peeta's smooth back was lined with well-toned muscles which moved as he toyed with the item in his hands. Peeta's head snapped up to me as I closed the door to the bathroom.

"Sorry," He spluttered, almost dropped what was in his hands. "I didn't mean to pry."

"It's fine, Johanna's already been through it all – I'm hardly going to mind you looking." I laughed lightly, the truth was most of my possessions were linked to him in some way, there'd be no point keeping them from him.

"I can't believe you kept all these." He murmured, I could see he had the spile Haymitch had sent us during the Quarter Quell and his locket laying on the bed next to him.

"Of course I did. They were the only things I had left of you." I answered honestly. When I had thought Peeta was dead even the slightest reminder of him was better than nothing. Peeta smiled up at me, it was a smile so tender that I immediately wanted to know everything he was thinking. I knew it must've meant a lot to him that I kept those things, but what he didn't know is how much comfort they had brought me every day he had been taken away.

"Do you think, that maybe in a weird way, things were easier back then?" He sighed, opening his hand slowly to reveal the pearl he had given to me on the beach. The memories suddenly flooded back to me of our time on that beach – how everything had seemed to just melt away as I let Peeta hold me in his arms. "I mean, I know we were fighting for our lives. But we had each other."

"We have each other now." I insisted, I rushed over to the bedside and kneeled in front of him. "You know I'm here for you no matter what."

"I know that," Peeta sighed. "I just hate that this time you'll be going alone and I can't protect you." He slowly reached out and took one of my hands before pressing the pearl into it. "Maybe you could take a piece of me with you though?"

"Of course." I closed my hand around the pearl. I hated the thought of leaving Peeta – and maybe never coming back to him, but I'd never forgive myself if he was hurt. I promised myself I would take the pearl with me; it was a connection to Peeta and his protection. I slowly stood up and began placing the items back in my top drawer, making sure to wrap the pearl up inside a piece of cloth. When I turned back to Peeta I could see he was deep in thought, "You need to stop worrying." I insisted before reaching over him to pull back the covers on the bed. "Now get some sleep, you must be exhausted." I knew Peeta's episodes took the energy out of him, and he'd been training today – the combination of the two must have been draining.

I could tell Peeta was tired as he didn't even make a comment about my previous statement and just quietly climbed beneath the sheets. His body seemed to instantly relax itself into the mattress as if his muscles were glad for the rest. Already his eyelids were beginning to droop and I could tell he was fighting to stay awake.

"Are you going to join me or just stare at me all night instead?" Peeta joked, his eyes were closed but the smirk on his lips was unmistakeable. I didn't need asking twice, I quickly slipped under the covers alongside Peeta and let my body find its natural position next tohis. I let my cheek rest against Peeta's check and gasped lightly as his bare skin touched mine – his skin was freezing from being exposed to the cool room. "Sorry," he laughed nervously as he began to try to sit up." I should have left my shirt on."

"No." I protested quickly, feeling my cheeks flare at my sudden outburst. "I mean, I want you to be comfortable." Peeta seemed to accept this and slowly settled so he was lying flat on his back.

"Do you know what I hate the most about the night-time in Thirteen?" Peeta suddenly blurted out. I craned my neck up to look at him.

"Your nightmares?" I guessed, they were the one thing that plagued me during the night – I'd been especially prone to them since living here. But lately things had been getting better after spending more time with Peeta.

"Well, they're not exactly my favourite thing. But I've adjusted to them more now – they're more like an extension of my episodes." My heart ached at this. I wanted to be there to support him – so when he woke in the night someone was there. He'd once told me just having me near helped him after a nightmare; I cursed myself for all the nights he'd spent without me. "I hate not being able to open a window." He murmured. I paused for a moment, confused by how such a mundane thing could make my heart feel like it had fallen through my chest – but it did. I remembered all the nights I'd spent curled up with Peeta, the light breeze inviting fresh air into the room and almost lulling me to sleep. Peeta always insisted on having the window open, I'd always secretly loved this about him – it made me feel like we weren't trapped. We were free to explore theoutside world around us and Peeta cherished this as much as I did.

Suddenly lying there with Peeta I felt like I was back at home in Twelve, safe in his arms without the war looming in on us. I felt warmth radiating through my body as I gazed up at Peeta, he always managed to provide me with such comfort and he was so effortless in his actions. My eyes travelled down to Peeta's chest – what once had been perfect smooth skin was now home to several scars. I let my fingers trail a line along the worst of them all – he must've gained them during his capture in the Capitol as I'd never seen them before. My fingers grazed down Peeta's chest – across his left pectoral and then down his stomach. I heard his breath hitch in his throat as my fingers danced along a sensitive spot on his abdomen. Before I realised what I was doing my fingers were replaced with my mouth, placing tiny butterfly kisses along his bare stomach.

"Katniss,"Peeta breathed, a moan hidden in his sigh. My heart hitched in my throat at the realisation of what I was doing but I pushed myself further, unwilling to separate myself from the warmth building between us. As I travelled past Peeta's chest and up to his collarbone, he caught my face in my hands and pulled my face up to his. "I love you, Katniss." He murmured.

I froze instantly, my eyes snapping up to his. I could see the fear in his eyes as he waited for my response. I didn't know where this had come from, after all Peeta had been through I never thought I'd regain Peeta's love – let alone this soon after the whole ordeal. I didn't want to panic, I wanted to accept Peeta's love, but I was so scared of it being torn away from me again. I tried to form words, anything that would make Peeta realise how much those words meant to me. He seemed to sense my struggle and his eyes softened, a hint of the sadness I had seen before began to appear in them. It was all too familiar of the train journey after the first Games, and how I had broken Peeta's heart.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that." His eyes dropped from mine and a deep blush erupted over his cheeks. I knew I had to quickly repair the situation.

"Don't apologise." I whispered before pressing my lips to his. He invited me easily this time, his tongue instantly meeting mine with a force I hadn't felt from him for a long time. As our bodies began to press closer to each other he slipped his hands underneath my shirt and began to form small circles on my back. I felt a soft moan slip out from my mouth, making him smile lightly against my lips. Peeta's hands slipped up my sides and my hands matted themselves in his hair – pulling each other closer until it wasn't possible anymore.

Eventually we had to pull apart, breathless and our lips swollen. My hands slowly worked themselves through his hair, gently smoothing it back into place.

"Why do you love me?" I asked softly, I wasn't even sure I'd said it until Peeta looked at me confused.

"I don't know," he smiled lightly. "I just do, it's been there for a while. No matter what happens or what flashbacks I have – I know I'm supposed to love you. I have done since I was a child. I always will."

"I…I don't know what to say." I replied pathetically. After everything I still couldn't figure out how I felt. All I knew is that knowing Peeta truly loved me again was the best feeling I'd ever had.

"You don't have to say anything." He placed his hand either side of my face and gently placed a kiss on my forehead. "I already know."


	19. Chapter 19

Hey readers! Welcome back, hope you all enjoyed last chapter - i'm sure you did due to a certain amount of everlark ;)

I'd like to thank everyone who reviewed last chapter, it was a few more reviews than usual which is great cus it means i'm not losing anyone with the length of this story ;) So a big thanks to; **katieg08, kitkatlogan, destined627, jennibrolawrence **and **eliley **for your lovely reviews!

And as always a massive thank-you to my beta reader **ct522** who has done an amazing job on this chapter

Quick disclaimer - none of the characters etc belong to me, they are property of the amazing Suzanne Collins

Happy reading!

* * *

I awoke the next morning to a light knocking at the cabin door. I stirred slowly, slowly becoming aware of the extra weight lying on top of me. Peeta still had an arm thrown across my stomach and was clutching me close to his chest. For a moment I forgot the gentle rapping at the door and was absorbed in Peeta. I felt so secure held in his arms and for the first time in a long time I'd woken up feeling rested. I blushed as I realised my hand was pressed up against his bare chest, he let out a small sigh as I moved it and instantly I missed the contact. I slowly began to unwind myself from Peeta's grasp, not wanting to wake him when he looked so peaceful. Once I'd managed to successfully untangle myself I walked over to the door, only opening it wide enough to reveal a crack of the outside world.

"Katniss, when were you planning on telling me you'd passed the exam?" Prim cried. I instantly scolded myself, I'd been so absorbed in everything going on that I'd completely forgotten to tell me mother and Prim the news.

"I'm sorry, things have been hectic." I sighed. I opened the door wider to allow Prim inside. As she walked inside her eyes instantly settled on Peeta and she smiled up at me. Before she had chance to say anything we were interrupted as Peeta began to stir.

He groaned loudly as he stretched out his limbs, the bed hadn't been very accommodating for the both of us. His eyes slowly adjusted to the room as he looked around for me, only to find Prim smiling broadly at him. "Uh… morning," he murmured as he pulled the covers up to cover his bare chest.

"Hello Peeta," Prim greeted him cheerily. "It's great to see you out the hospital, how are you feeling?" She quickly rushed over to him and sat on the edge of the bed. If it had been anyone but Prim I'd have cringed at her forwardness but she always had a way of making people feel at ease.

"Pretty good, there are bad days – but it's getting better." I didn't miss the smile Peeta sent my way and felt my cheeks warm; luckily Prim was too engrossed in Peeta to notice.

"If you ever need anything, you know me and my mother will help. I know we're not your assigned doctors, but sometimes it's nice to speak to a friend." I felt a glow of pride towards my sister; she was so mature in her thinking, and always so selfless.

"That's really nice of you to offer." Peeta's smile was full of gratitude; I knew he often felt segregated from everyone but his medical team. Prim was offering him a small olive branch out of that.

A loud knock sounded at the door moments later, I frowned at the door. It was unusual I got any visitors in the morning, let alone two. I knew it wouldn't be my mother as it was too heavy handed, and my sister looked as confused as I was.

"You expecting someone?" Peeta asked, he quickly took the moment to reach for his shirt and pull it over his head.

"No," I murmured. Unexpected visitors usually meant bad news. I slowly made my way over to the door and opened it slightly. I was greeted by a very anxious looking Gale.

"Gale, what is it?" I asked quickly.

"We're needed in command. Plutarch has some new information on the Capitol." I could sense the excitement in Gale's voice. I knew that he'd been anxious to go to the Capitol for a long time now, and things were finally slotting into place with our squadron.

"Right, I just need to change." I motioned down at the night clothes I was still wearing. "I won't be long." I moved back from the door and Gale stepped inside.

"Hey Prim," Gale smiled broadly at my sister, who looked just as happy to see him. In that moment I missed our old lives – where Gale was around most the time. He and Prim had always gotten on so well, and he'd treated her as well as he did his own siblings. I'd always trusted him to look after her if anything ever happened to me. The moment soon passed as Gale's eyes settled on Peeta – who was now stood in the middle of the room looking more than uncomfortable. "Peeta…" Gale grunted, before giving me a sharp sideways glance. I felt my cheeks flush as Gale eyed Peeta, who was still sitting on the edge of my bed – displaying to everyone that he had spent the night there. I could've even swore I saw a small look of accomplishment in Peeta's eyes. Even so, now was not the time to explain Peeta's presence in my room.

I quickly dashed into the bathroom and changed, I could feel the tension in the other room and even Prim's light chatter wasn't lifting the atmosphere. As soon as I had combed my hair out of my face and tied it up I rushed out the room. Gale turned to me first, his face looked conflicted with several emotions – but it was time he knew that Peeta was a part of my life now.

"We should go," I urged. Gale didn't need telling twice and he headed out the door – closely followed by Prim who was eagerly filling him in on Buttercup's new daily routine. As I went to follow them out the door Peeta caught my wrist.

"Katniss, wait." As I turned back to look at him I could see a glint of desperation in his eyes. "What's going on with us? I can't keep acting like nothing's happened."

"I can't talk about this right now Peeta," I instantly felt guilty as pain registered on his face. I didn't mean to be brash with him, but I didn't understand how I felt. And now I needed a clear head for my command meeting.

"Right…" he murmured, dropping his hand from my wrist. He was clearly disappointed; this wasn't how I'd imagined waking up this morning when I'd fallen to sleep curled up in his arms.

"Peeta, you know I care about you. But right now I have a job I need to do." I reached forward and grasped the front of his shirt, pulling him towards me. "That doesn't mean I want to leave you." I didn't know whether it was the need to make Peeta believe me, or just the desire to regain that feeling I'd had the previous night, but I reached behind Peeta's neck and pulled his face down to meet mine. I pressed our lips together in a firm kiss, opening my mouth only slightly so I could feel his lips move against mine. I quickly pulled away and smiled up at him. "I'll come find you later." I promised.

"I should probably get back to the hospital ward, I doubt Dr Aurelius will be happy." Peeta gave my hand a small squeeze before heading out the door. I followed after him and met Gale and Prim who were waiting outside. Peeta said a small goodbye to them both before walking away.

"We should get going Katniss; they'll start the meeting without us." Gale urged, his tone was still tense from Peeta's presence but I chose to ignore it.

"I'm sorry Prim, I need to go." I felt terrible for spending so little time with Prim. It was completely the opposite to back in Twelve where I'd practically mothered her. But now I had so much to do before leaving for the Capitol, and she'd become so independent that our schedules never seemed to cross.

"It's alright Katniss. We can see each other later." Her smile was sincere but I could tell there was sadness behind it. Just as for Peeta I knew it was hard for Prim to support my decision of going to the Capitol. It had been hard on her both times I'd been taken away to the Games, and now I would be leaving her again.

"That was a really nice thing you did for Peeta earlier." I placed a hand on her shoulder; I wanted her to know how proud I was of her. She wasn't the young girl she had been back in Twelve; she had matured into something much more. "I know he'll appreciate it."

"It's nothing, Peeta's nice. He deserves to be treated better than he is." Prim replied simply, I felt Gale shift awkwardly beside me – I knew it was hard for him to forget the Capitol-made side of Peeta. "Besides, I know how much he means to you Katniss. It's good to see you smiling again." Prim nodded to us both and turned on her heels, quickly walking in the opposite direction. It was true, I'd found it very hard to smile on my return to Thirteen. Even when I was with Gale every day I felt like something was missing – once Peeta had been returned to my life I realised what it was. That boy meant as much to me as my best friend and my sister.

"Let's go," I murmured. I didn't want to think about the people I loved right now; it made the thought of leaving them much harder.

* * *

As Gale and I reached command, Plutarch was already on his feet over a wide, flat panel in the centre of the table. I took a quick look around the room and saw that our squadron were all present. Plutarch had already begun talking about the nature of what we will encounter in the Capitol. I couldn't really focus on what he was saying until he pressed a button on the panel and a holographic image of a block of the Capitol projects into the air. This soon captures my attention, just seeing the image of where we could be sent to makes it all feel so real. I then began tuning in to what Plutarch was saying.

"This, for example, is the area surrounding one of the Peacekeeper's barracks. Not unimportant, but not the most crucial of targets, and yet look." Plutarch explains slowly, before entering a code into the panel which results in lights flashing all over the hologram. They were all different colours, blinking at different speeds. I stared at the image closely; I'd never seen anything like them before. "Each light is called a pod, they represent a different obstacle, they could be anything from a bomb to a band of mutts. Whatever it contains is designed to either trap or kill you." The dread in the pit of my stomach started to become more pronounced. The likelihood of my coming home was becoming less with each new piece of information we received about the Capitol. "I will warn you, although this is new information – it is likely that new pods have been activated since."

My feet seemed to move towards the hologram without my permission, yet I let them. I was too engrossed staring at the pods, trying to work out why they disturbed me so much. It wasn't until I saw Finnick had moved to stand beside me that I realised where I'd seen something similar before. It was just like Games, another arena designed by the Capitol to control those within it. Only this time they weren't playing with children – this was a full blown war, and we would be tributes again.

"Ladies and Gentlemen…" Finnick's voice brought my out of my thoughts. The words came out so quiet I wasn't even sure he'd said them – and before I could second judge myself my voice rang throughout the room.

"Let the Seventy-sixth Hunger Games begin!" I laughed curtly, realising I was only opening myself to criticism about my state-of-mind. To them I would just look like another Victor who wanted their vengeance. But so what if I was? We deserved it; we'd all fought for it. Plutarch gave us a warning look and we both retreated back in line so he could finish his presentation.

Neither of us even uttered a word throughout the rest of the presentation. I wasn't even sure I was taking any of it in – I was too busy trying to make myself look like I was interested, rather than showing them that I was in fact petrified. It was all so risky, I'd played their games before and I hadn't planned on doing it again. It wasn't until we were in the hallway that Finnick spoke again.

"What will I tell Annie," he muttered under his breath. I knew he'd been thinking the same as I had. The people we loved would never allow us to leave if they knew the severity of the minefield we were about to enter.

"Nothing," I answered sharply, earning a look of disapproval from Finnick. Marriage was about trusting each other, but Annie would never be able to take news like this. "That's what my mother and sister will be hearing from me." Finnick's expression became less severe as he realised this would be a burden we would both share.

"And what about Peeta, what will you tell him?" He asked quietly, as if afraid to approach the subject. But I had already made my mind up about what I would say to him.

"The same, it'd only upset him if he knew the truth."

We spent the rest of the afternoon learning more about the pods we would face in the Capitol and how we would be dealing with them. In the latter part of the afternoon we were given free time in the shooting range. I chose to practice with my bow for a while, it'd felt like a lifetime since I'd held one in my hands. We'd always been practicing with guns, and even though I had gotten to grips with them, nothing compared to my aim and speed with a bow and arrow. Even without my daily hunting practice I was back into my usual rhythm after a couple of practice shots. Beetee had even designed me a new Mockingjay bow – it was much sturdier than my old wooden one, in fact it was far more technically advanced than any bow I'd ever set my eyes on.

"You know, it brings back all kinds of memories seeing you shooting a bow." Gale commented as he held his own bow up towards the target. Gale had been designed a new bow as well – only his was heavily militarised. It suited his new attitude to fighting, which mainly involved brute force. Gale had also had a fire within him, it was why we had made such good hunting partners, but that flame had gathered momentum during his training.

"I could say the same about you." I remarked as my eyes took in the sight of Gale positioned with his bow. It was a nostalgic sight, and it was weird to think that we may never go hunting together again. This war was going to change everything and none of us knew what life would end up being like after. No one lived in Twelve anymore, and I had no idea if anyone would go back there – or if I'd ever get to see my woods again.

Gale seemed to sense what I was thinking as he lowered his bow to look over at me. "We will go back one day, to hunt."

"You promise?" I asked quietly, feeling like the child I was when we had first met.

"Promise." He gave me a broad smile before returning his attention to his bow.

* * *

After I was eventually released from training I headed towards the hospital ward. I had promised to see both Prim and Peeta, hopefully they would both be around the hospital ward – I knew Prim helped out most evenings. I slowly made my way through the ward and after no sight of Prim I walked to Peeta's room – at least I knew where he'd be. I quickly opened Peeta's door, my eyes trying to adjust to the bright lights inside – it seemed no matter how much time I spent in this room, it would always be unnaturally bright compared to the rest of the district. Once my eyes adjusted I felt my brows furrow in confusion. The room was completely empty.

"Ah, Katniss. I was hoping to see you." I spun round at the sound of Dr Aurelius' voice as he walked through the door.

"Where's Peeta?" I asked quickly, already dreading the worst.

"He's in the kitchens actually. We managed to get him some space to bake." Dr Aurelius answered, completely unfazed by my panic. "It seems to help his progress."

"Oh right," I answered lamely, I didn't plan on speaking with him any longer than necessary. "Well can I go see him?"

"Yes of course you can." I moved to walk out the room, but something about Dr Aurelius' demeanour told me that this conversation was not over. "But before you do, I need to talk to you."

"What about?" I asked sharply, I could already feel the anger rising in my tone. Whenever people wanted to talk to me, it didn't seem to end well.

"As I'm sure you would've guessed. I am well aware that you had Peeta stay in your cabin last night." I could feel my cheeks flare as Dr Aurelius peered at me over his glasses, I had no idea what he was thinking but asking Peeta to stay in my room had been completely innocent. "I know Peeta is making progress, but that doesn't mean it's safe to be around him on your own all night."

I feel my heart drop at his words. Peeta was making plenty of progress, and I hadn't seen him as relaxed as he had been last night. Why was it that everyone had to doubt him? If I trusted him – and I was the one he had been brainwashed to attack – why couldn't everyone else.

"Well, it's up to me if I take the risk." I answered bluntly. I wasn't going to make him any promises of not spending the night with Peeta again. We both helped each other, we always had. I knew that tearing us apart would only break us both.

"Katniss, I'm not your enemy." Dr Aurelius spoke slowly. "I've been very lenient with Peeta's treatment; many other doctors would have had him trapped in this room. I know that spending time with you is what helps him, but I am also your doctor and I want to make sure you're not in harm's way."

"I'm fine." I strode past him towards the door. "As long as I'm not kept form Peeta, I'll be fine." I said sharply before leaving the room.

* * *

I quickly made my way through the district towards the kitchens. My talk with Dr Aurelius had only made me even more anxious to see Peeta. I had only seen him this morning and already I missed him. Finding out about the pods in the Capitol had been an emotional experience for us all, but the one person I'd wanted there to support me was Peeta – and I couldn't even tell him. It was beginning to dawn on me that I might not come back to him, and it would crush him. But I also knew that I couldn't turn my back on him to try and lessen the pain, because in the long run that would only hurt him more.

My worries were soon forgotten as I walked into the kitchen and the undeniable smell of freshly baked bread filled my senses. If there was one thing I loved to do, it was watching Peeta bake. As I got closer to the source of the smell I could hear his loud voice accompanied by a quieter female voice. I froze for a moment; the only person I knew Peeta spent time with was Delly. The uncomfortable knotting feeling in my stomach began to grow as I thought of them together – I couldn't deny that it made me jealous. I didn't know why but I hated the thought of someone being able to relate to Peeta better than I could. I forced myself to continue walking until I entered the area where Peeta was baking. I stood frozen in place for a moment as I saw who Peeta was with. Prim listened intently as he showed her how to knead bread before she slowly mirrored his actions. I felt a flutter of butterflies in my stomach seeing the two of them together. They both looked so happy and carefree, I could almost imagine then playing out the same scene in my home back in Twelve – how life could've been if I'd have welcomed Peeta into my life sooner.

I cleared my throat loudly as I got closer to the pair of them, smirking as they both looked up at me in shock – their faces covered in flour. "Well, where was my invite?"

"Oh, Katniss!" Prim beamed. "Peeta's been showing me how to bake."

"Well that's nice of him." I smiled at Peeta, whose face had tinted red. "Well what have you been making?"

Prim quickly began showing me the different types of bread that she and Peeta had already baked. They had even had time to bake and frost a dozen cupcakes. I couldn't stop smiling at the excitement Prim was radiating – she'd had to become an adult when we came to Thirteen. This had given her a chance to act her age again.

"Peeta wants to show me one more type of bread before we have to go." She added after finishing the exhibition of their work.

"I'm sure you'll appreciate this one Katniss." Peeta added, smirking light in my direction before looking down at Prim. "Are you ready to learn how to make cheese buns?" I smiled knowingly at Peeta; he knew they were my favourite.

I watched from a safe distance as Prim managed to throw flour round the room as she attempted to mix the dough. The pair of them tried countless times to get me to join them, but I felt much happier watching. If watching Peeta bake was one of my favourite things, this topped the list. They breathed life back into each other; it was a joy that obviously both of them had been missing from their lives. Once they had placed the buns in the oven Prim began to wash herself up as well as the rest of the kitchen.

"I hope you don't mind this." Peeta spoke lowly as he walked over to me.

"Of course not," I smiled genuinely at him. I quickly reached out and took his hands in mine, not caring that they coated my hands in dough. "You don't understand how much it means to me to see her smiling like that."

"I do," he murmured. "It's how I feel when I see you smile." I blushed profusely at his comment, and I was pretty sure I heard Prim giggle quietly.

"She always loved looking at your cakes," I thought back to how Prim would stare into the bakery window, wishing she could have one of the cakes in there. But as kids from the Seam we never could afford such luxuries, and now she was here baking with Peeta. "She could always tell when it was you who had done the frosting." Peeta's decorating had always shown more of a love and devotion than anyone else in his families had. I would give anything to see him back in that bakery, doing what he loved, instead of cooped up with me in Thirteen.

The three of us cleaned up the kitchen until the cheese buns were finished and we then shared them between us. They didn't have the usual finesse they would've had if Peeta had done them alone, but they tasted as amazing as always. Shortly after we finished Prim announced that she had to leave – I couldn't ignore the look of sadness in her eyes at the thought of leaving this little sanctuary theyhad created for the day.

"You should have these." Peeta handed her a box of the cupcakes they had made together. "I'm sure you have more of a sweet tooth than me." He winked and she laughed lightly in response.

"Thank you Peeta!" She chimed happily before engulfing him in a hug. She then turned to me and wrapped her tiny arms around my waist. "I'm so glad you came Katniss, this has been perfect." She gave us both a small wave before rushing out of the room. She was right, it had been perfect.


End file.
